1:42 am

updates:
-i miss him. every second. i keep getting reminded of him. and all i want to do is talk to him...
-the train is so loud tonight, i feel like it is outside the window. it is making the room shake.
-i am being super annoying and editing all my fb albums so they are like all over the photo page. annoying, i know..
-i finally printed out 75 of my favorite europe pictures, only a year and a half later..
-i can't wait to go home in only a few days now!
-i can't seem to sleep anymore. ughh.
-i miss my friends terribly.
-another fish died yesterday...down to 6..
-i really want to re-do my blog and make it look cool, but i don't have the patients or the talent really.
-i am super happy with what i've decided to do with my life after i graduate =)
-i rode 10.25 miles on the bike today, mainly because the bike is the only thing that doesn't hurt my knee, and now i really want to go on a real bike ride.
-i am so ready for change it is unbelievable.
-i am so in love it scares me.
-i really want to get my nails done because my fingers hurt and i want to do something nice for myself.
-i need a job.
-i am very thankful for everything i have in my life =)

private?

i LOVE that random people read my blog. i think it is cool to see that people all over the world and all over the country read it. and i know cause i have this thing that says where people read it from.. Australia, Senegal, Scotland, England, Indiana, Texas...the list can go on and on.
but there are people who i DO NOT want to know what is going on in my life. for so many reasons i just CAN'T have it going on anymore. i am being me when i write in here. this is totally me, and how i feel. i mean, i basically spilled my heart out when i write about sorority things. [literally still feels like my heart got ripped out..just saying..] and i hate that certain people read this. does that make me a b*tch? yeah sure why not. but i don't care.
so i am thinking about making this private...
but i am not sure. what do you think? i mean it is really only one person i don't want to be reading this. but why should i change everything for them? hmm.. just keeps me thinking that is all.

anyways, in other things..
i miss Will more than words. with everything going on he is the ONE person i really and truly want to talk to. i think about him all the time, everyday. sometimes in class when i am day dreaming i can hear his laugh... i just want him to know how much everyone really did love him. i still can't get over everything that happened to him. i don't understand why he did what he did. i guess i never really will either. none of it still adds up though, which i think makes it even worse... i feel like these things never make sense, but if you knew him you would know that him doing that WAS NOT HIM. in any way. 5 years ago if you had told me this was going to happen i would have said you were absolutely insane. because Will wasn't like that. i don't know. he has just been on my mind so incredibly much lately. sometimes i dream about him. and his image is always so vivid in my dreams, it is like he is really there. and when i hear him talk, i always start to cry in my dream and he walks towards me and always seems to want to hug me but can never get to me. i miss him. and it hurts. everyday. i just want him to know that i loved him. and his mom told me he did that day...but it still it doesn't make it better i guess. i just hate that he was taken away from me so soon. i wanted him to be there for the big days, since he has always been there for them, you know what i mean....i miss you Will, and i hope you are looking down on your family cause i know that you meant the world to them. love you kid.

ok, i am done with being sad about that now. i am going to read a bit then hopefully sleep, even though i've been sleeping all day because of a terrible migraine.. xoxo

boyfriend!

so, the last week has legit been absolutely insane. everything last wednesday with my bday and with sorority stuff was just insane i feel like. i mean, here was something that was so good and it was literally stripped from us, but we are rising above and making the best of the situations we are put it. these girls are more than just our house. they are my sisters, forever. we have the closest bond i've ever seen 48 girls have. they are the strongest group of girls i've ever met. and i am honored to be their friends. since the whole situation, we have been hanging out more, wearing our letters more, and i jsut feel like this is only making us stronger as a group of women and closer than we could ever be. i love these girls with my whole heart. all of them. and i am so lucky to have them in my life and be apart of this. no matter what, they can't take away the love i have for them, or the bond we have. lam.bda.al.pha forever. that is all that matters.

so in the mixture of a halloween bash on friday night, i was on the computer vid chatting with boyyfriend and he was like, i really wanna come see you. so i said do itttt. and 17 hours later, he was on a plane!!!! YES 218 DAYS LATER I GOT TO SEE HIM <3>

it was a great visit and couldn't have come at a better time with everything going on. i just cant wait to see him again. hopefully everything will be perfect again =)

here are some pictures from the last week:

the way to the airport ]= but love the picture! me and boyyy <3 him always.

welcome to the fam baby ruff ryder!!! MY LITTLE!! <3 HER!

jessie and me!

me and my boo!

ruff rydersss <3 align="center">at the monster bash dance <3> seniors!big and little!

sad.

i don't want this to be it. and i am scared that it is going to be it. and i'm not okay with this.

i want to keep having this. i NEED to keep having this. it hurts to be there.

and i hate school. and now i don't have that to go to? really. what the f.ck did i do in this life to deserve all this. i wish i was graduating this fall. i just need to go to a new place.

sometimes i feel like the things i love the most are always taken away from me.

22.

never in my life did i think that i would sob as much as i did on my 22 birthday.

it literally felt like someone died, and i guess that is because something did. but the truth is, the only thing it changed was the fact that we won't have our house anymore.

i guess i should start at the beginning for this to make any sort of sense....

sorority people came to our school about 2 weeks ago with allegations of things that occurring. well, surprise we are a sorority, shit happens. so we said we did it all, etc. then we had individual meetings, where we were told telling the truth would set us free and we would most likely be on probation... they said worst case scenario, we would in fact loose our charter. so we pretty much all went in thinking [with the 4 women from nat.ionals who were there] that we would be just getting probation, with some members having the possibility of being on individual probation among other things.

well, yesterday on my lovely 22nd birthday, we had a meeting with na.ionals, where the president of soririty. was there, along with one of the women who was at our meetings 2 weeks ago. and our advisors, and the person in charge of greek stuff. and we were told that it is being taken away because of things we've done..

never in my life has i seen 30 girls break down into tears in literally a flash of a second. it was ridiculous. literally, it hurts my heart thinking about it. we were told we can appeal it, but affective immediately, we were all put in alumni status in good standings as long as we were all paid up.

there are no words to express the anger i have. i mean, in reality, na.tio.nals lied to us because they said if we told the truth we would be ok, and that they wanted to help us make things better. they wanted to help us stop doing things and put us in the other direction. we WANTED to change. over the last 5 years things have improved immensely. and i personally feel like they were just like fuck you. our gpa was at a 3.0, we were doing ch. developments. we had discipline and we were doing well financially. i just don't understand how they just kept saying they wanted to know if we could change and then not even give us a chance. it just literally hurts my heart.

so last night in memory of the chapter, we all went to the senior apartments and got wasteyyyyy. it sucked hard cause it was my 22nd birthday, but what are you going to do...

i called whim and told her. and she told me what we should do. she talked to me about things and pretty much was like, yeah i did all those things and worse and i can tell you that lsu and other schools are doing the same shit and they have much larger chapters.

it just literally feels like a joke. and i am so upset. and i am so angry. so thanks na.tion.als for the WORST birthday present in the history of birthdays. you are awesome.

but they can take our house, they can take our charter.

but they CAN NEVER TAKE AWAY OUR BOND AND THEY CAN NEVER TAKE AWAY OUR SISTERHOOD.

I'M A PH.IMU STAY A PH.IMU PH.IMU TIL I DIE.

this just only made us closer than ever and stronger.

lam.bda alp.ha will live on forever.

loveeee.

LOVE is irrational, I reminded myself. the more you loved someone, the less sense anything made.

I have to face the truth that no one could ever look at me like you do, like I'm something worth holding on to.

Our love was beginning to feel like "forever" love, a love to carry to the grave. - Ellen Hopkins

i am very much in love. and it scares the shit out of me because i could be so incredibly angry, but then in a second that can all change by just one thing he says..and it makes no sense really, but all i know is every time we are together i am a million times happier, and every time we talk i can't help but smile. i guess love has a magical way of transforming a person and make them a believer of something they never believed in. it makes the little things seem like huge things and the big moments even more amazing. i still get those butterflies that should have gone away by now if he was any other person, but he isn't and he is mine. and i feel like there is nothing in the world that can change that... and i feel so blessed to have that.

.

“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”

frustrated..

how come when one thing goes wrong everything seems to go wrong?

3 years..

it's been 3 years since james passed away.

i miss him so incredibly much it hurts.

i hope you are having fun up there and causing trouble.

i'll always love you jt.

.5.10.88-10.19.06