i feel like i dont know who i am anymore. or what i want. i want to find that passion again. i want to be able to breathe again. i want all these things. and i dont know how to get them back.

dreams

so last night I took NyQuil because I haven't been sleeping well and I am not feeling great and I thought that maybe it would help me sleep....well not only did it make me sleep like a baby, but it also made me have crazy dreams. I haven't had a dream with Will in it in probably a year or so. now don't get me wrong, I absolutely love when I dream about him or get to hear his voice again but this one was so weird and unlike the other ones I've ever had. this one had nothing to do with him being dead. it was just like he was really here again. I wasn't sad to see him. I wasn't asking him what happened or anything like that. he was just there and we were having fun and talking and I just cannot stop thinking about it right now. I didn't even remember it when I woke up but on my way to work I remembered it and it is just weird I guess. I don't know...it isn't a bad thing at all. I just really miss him now. in a bad way I guess I haven't thought of him in a while. I did a lot when I was on the Colorado. but I think that is because I felt so full of life and had so much time to reflect on life and everything. but since then I haven't really thought of him. I guess I forget how much I miss him until I dream about him or think about him too much. I really miss him right now and just wish he was here to talk to again...

AHH!!

it is hereeee! we are leaving today! YAYY! i am so excited and not sure if i am at all prepared! but we are driving to flag today and by today i mean the next 27 hours! woooo. driving from alabama to flagstaffff :) WOOOOO. it is just wild and crazy and i am so excitedd :) but i am sick and tired. hahaha. i got to al and am super sick cause everyone here is sick. wompp. but it is all good. ahh! we go to the put in on monday and it is crazy, it is actually here. i am actually doing this! wtffff. i am super stoked for this roadtrip with julia and everyone. just hoping i get better. i cant wait to just be in flag :) its been forever! ADVENTURE IS OUT THEREEEEE :)

forever, grand canyon.

its been forever, but i actually started writing in a real notebook. i am really starting to hate technology. which is good because i am going to be in the wilderness for 17 straight days coming up. on sunday (in a week) i am leaving to fly to alabama. i am working at nc for 2 days to help out and just have some fun and then we are driving to flagstaff for the trip of a lifetime. i am going to be rafting about 230 miles (i think) down the colorado river, through the grand canyon for a total of 17 days! i am going with a bunch of people from nc and i could not be more excited to see them and to just be "one with nature" as cheesy as that sounds... i just cant even imagine this trip. my boss talked about it all the time (he is kayaking) and has done it 3 times before, but i mean, it is going to be the most amazing thing i have ever done. i feel beyond lucky to have this opportunity and to be able to take off work for a month! i am going to be gone until dec 14 so it is a pretty long time to be off work, but i mean, come on... it is definitely going to be worth it. the last few months have been super crazy and busy, between camp ending, florida, starting a new job, working at camp pretty much every saturday until mid october, this hurricane and trying to prepare for this trip it has been a whirlwind of craziness! i like my boss at my new job, i really like the pay...but there isnt much to say about it. just a lot of errands and driving kids around. but hey, i cant complain. i cannot wait to go on this trip and post pictures about it!

i am not ready...i am not ready for this to be over. my head is literally aching. i am not ready. i am scared. and not ready. every time i think about it my eyes fill with tears and i am so scared. i am just not ready. i cant do it.

drinksss

so, i decided not to drink for the next year. i feel GREAT. i do. i think it is the best decision i could have made for myself. i just get upset because of the new people i am surrounded by. i mean, ok, i am 24 i get it. drinking is a part of being 24-26. it is fun, but do you really have to drink to get drunk EVERYDAY after work. and do you always have to be so loud and obnoxious. i get having a beer after work. i get having a bad day and getting drunk. but everyday!? and beer pong, really? i am just frustrated. i also feel like it is hard to fit in because of this drinking/not drinking thing. they find it incredibly odd. but, i am gonna do what i am gonna do. i mean, dont get me wrong...saturday i wanted to drink. but i think as long as i try to not do it i will be good. i want to do this for myself. i am cutting back on so many calories and bad decisions. and i like it. it doesnt mean that i cant go to the bar, which is frustrating, but i am happy with my decision. i just wish the people i lived with acted like they were 24/25 instead of 18/19. idk. maybe this is growing up? yikes.

anyways, my job is alright. i am not in love, but i dont hate it. i dislike the house i live in and am really only living here 3-4 days of the week. the rest i just go home, but it works cause i am only 20 minutes away. we do a lot of high ropes and team building. but there is also riflery, archery, climbing wall, and nature things. i am hoping things will just get better as they continue on. we are redoing our nature center and i am really looking forward to working on that as well as the garden we are building. we have SO many plants and i am excited for it to be done :)

in other exciting things: the bridal shower is next saturday!! i am so excited about seeing sar and just having it be over with too. i dont wanna stress about it anymore! but i am excited. i loved gettting everything ready with kels and i am SO excited for the wedding! i just want it to be here already! haha :)

hope everyone is loving the warm weather like i am!

yikes!

time is flying by i feel like! i think that is a good thing :)
i am looking forward to a lot in the next few months! i cannot wait to start my job, to see how the bridal shower and bachelorette party work out and for the wedding!! t-minus 90 days until the wedding!
i have been working with kels a lot lately getting all the bridal shower things in order. we just need to get the inserts from julie and then we can send the invites out. the only thing left to do is make the rest of the center pieces. wooo. and then we need to figure out our plans for the bachelorette party. but we think we have that figured out too!

i start my job in 2 weeks! i just got a new rain jacket and fleece for work and now i need to get some jeans. ohh and i got new sneakers :) yayy. i love getting new things for work!

nothing exciting has been going on in my life. just working a tonn this past week. i am not complaining, it just wasnt planned. haha. i hung out with kels a lot too. i saw the vow on valentines day with kels and alex and it was lovely. a good valentines day. i hate that stinky holiday so it was a good day with the 2 of them. hmm, what else... nothing at all!
so i am just ready to start some new fun things in my life :)

98.

my great grandmother died this morning. she was 98 years old. almost 99. can you imagine living for 98 years. just think of all the things that you have seen if you are that old. it just baffles me i guess to be honest. in no way was this news something to come out of the blue, we've known it was coming for about 3 weeks now, but i don't think it makes it any easier... it is still just sad. she was my last great grandparent. i am a very fortunate person as i knew 3 of my great grandparents. i lost my poppy [her husband] when i was in 7th grade, gram when i was a senior in hs and now nanny. i have very fond memories of all of them and really am truly blessed to have had them in my life. we had 5 generations in my family. she was a great great grandmother, which is just amazing if you ask me. kyleigh, aiden and kenzie-my three love bugs that i talk about often are my cousin john kids, making Nanny a great great grandma... i love my family. more than anything. and today has been hectic for my grammie and dad. i didnt think it was going to hit my dad as hard as it did. he went to see my grandpa this morning and i could tell he was upset, but i didn't know what to do about it, cause welp i am awkward. but he called me about 10 minutes after i left and all i heard was red solo cup playing in the back. he said he just pulled into the nursing home and it came on and that it was just what he needed to hear. we talk about/sing the song in my family a bit..my dad thinks it is hilarrrrious. idk why, he doesnt drink.. but anyways, it made me upset, but i was still glad he called. my parents me and brother went to grammies and had dinner with her. i just feel so bad for her really, because i know this has been so hard for her. i just i dont know how to make it better and i hate that. ohh well.

death is just a really weird thing for me. i feel like i never have the "right" emotions at the right time. i mean, i am sad/upset about this, dont get me wrong. i just feel like sometimes i dont show my emotions. like i didnt cry or get upset about it until i was at work today. when my dad told me, i didnt know what to say and i got all awkward. i just i feel like my emotions go into hibernation when people die around me...and the weird thing is when the phone wrang this morning at 7:30, i knew what it was about. i knew, just had that gut feeling i guess you can call it...and when i went downstairs i knew my dad was going to tell me what he did. i just feel like i get even more awkward than normal.

last night i had a dream about will, but he wasnt in it. it was about him and it was in reality just a bunch of memories around the time that he died and conversations between me and other people and i honestly dont know what it was about, but it was just very incredibly strange. it just threw my mind for a loop. but i was thinking about the fact that his funeral was the last one i went to. sunday i will be in the same place where it was the last time i saw him. and it makes my stomach get butterflies. i am not good at talking about him and i hate that, but i do know that i am nervous about going to the funeral home on sunday for that reason and i hate that. it is just all so weird i guess. i dont know.

the last 2 weeks have just really been a whirlwind of emotions for me. me and m got into some really deep conversations about our friendship and things got weird for a little bit. i know i pull away from people when i feel myself getting to close to them, and i know it is a terrible thing to do, but i cant help it. i am just scared that people i let in will leave, i mean i dont have a good track record with really close friends and i know it isnt an excuse as to why i did what i did, but after talking for a while i think things are ok, at least i hope they are. my mind has been racing ever since the night we were talking about everything. i just, i hope we can work things out and that she knows it wasnt meant in a bad way because i dont know what i would do if we werent friends anymore. we did get to see each other saturday which was really what i needed and it was nice to just have someone there exactly when you needed them to be. i dont think things are ever going to be like they were, but i also feel like all friendships need the rough patches to make things better, right?

i also am missing alabama more than i ever thought that i would. it kinda makes me angry at how much i miss it. i really did enjoy myself there. a year ago this time i was just learning about the job and everything! crazy if you ask me! i think i just really miss having a girlfriend there all day everyday. i just loved that juls was right next door all the time, and if we wanted to be lazy we were lazy and if we wanted to be crazy we were. i also really miss zach and ruby way more than i thought i would! idk, i miss my southern lovin from everyone. i also miss our crazy antics and just being weird. haha. but i do miss mine and julias weird convos and snugging and dance parties and adventures... i am so happy i met everyone i did and i honestly cannot explain how much that was such a positive 8ish months of my life. i just hope that this new job is as much, if not more fun than alabama and that i get that close family feeling from working here too!

well, i need to try and get some sleep, i have work tomorrow and i need to go on a run, hopefully we dont get too much snow! i wanna be able to run tomorrow, i think it will help me with my wandering mind. goodnight

sleep.

i haven't been able to sleep lately. first i can't fall asleep, then if i do fall asleep i end up having dreams and i wake up and then can't fall back asleep. i wouldn't say they are bad dreams, but they are weird and about people i havent seen/talked to in forever. so it is kinda weird....but last night was the first night in so long i have been able to actually sleep, which so incredibly good.

i have been hanging out with kelsey a lot lately which has been a ridiculous amount of fun. we've been planning sar's bridal shower, which has been interesting to say the least. neither of us have ever been to one and well, haha it is just interesting trying to deal with the maid of honor [she lives in cali] i am getting more and more excited for the wedding though, especially since we have the shoes now and dont have to be worrying about them. but it has just been extremely wonderful having her and alex to hang out with because i dont really have many friends up this way. we went to the movies the other day, we saw extremely loud and incredibly close which was soo good, realllly intense though. and we went to dinner and it was just nice to hang out with friends. it makes me happy that we are getting to be pretty good friends.

mary came to visit which was good. jessie was supposed to come too but her sister went into the hospital and was really sick, so she couldnt make it. i was kinda upset i am not going to lie, but what are you going to do.. it is just that this was the 2nd time j said she was going to come visit that she didnt...i just hate getting my hopes up. but it was so nice to see mary. i forgot how much fun we can have just doing legit nothing. we went out friday night with kels and alex and then saturday we didnt do much cause IT FINALLY SNOWED! we got about 6-8 inches or so :) but it is all melted now. we went to the diner and i introduced her to disco fries and diners. haha and we just hung out all day on saturday and watched movies and stuff then sunday we got bagels and she got some taylor ham egg and cheese, she loved it. i always try to introduce my friends to the jersey things..haha. but it was just fun having her and being weird and i needed it.

i am getting excited for this job, but also kinda nervous now. eekk. i am just curious as to how everything is going to be in comparison to alabama. i mean, i loved so many things about alabama and i am actually missing it a lot right now, especially julia and yakkk. but what are ya gonna do?? i talked to julia the other day and it was lovely. she wants me to come visit for her bday but plane tickets are a jillion dollars. womp. i would pretty much do anything to go visit her though, especially cause she lives in florida. haha.

i need to go be productive and actually do something aside from just laying in bed... i worked tuesday and yesterday though so i don't feel TOO bad about being lazy today. womp. i am beyond excited though because tomorrow i am going to see my all time favorite movie--beauty and the beast--in 3D. i cannot tell you my excitement for seeing this movie with m. when i found out it was coming out to movie theaters i decided i had to go see it, but i mean, considering aside from tuesday i havent been to the movies since april, i didnt think it would happen. haha i cannot wait. :] then saturday i am working from 9-5 and im going out with k&a. so i am excited for the weekend. yayyy.
hope everyone has a good rest of the week/weekend.

job:)

so things are looking up already! i got a job yesterday! it is at a camp pretty close to where i live, and i will be doing the same type of things i did there. I am beyond excited that i got this job, and i cannot wait for March 5th to get here so i can start :)

awkwardly enough my boss from bama fb messaged me yesterday to ask if i wanted my job back down there...he was like, i have 3 positions available and would really love it if you would come back...if i didnt get the job offer from mason i probably would have considered it, but i just...i need to be closer to home i think. but who knows, i might end up back in alabama one day..we never know!

i also am going walking with kels to try to shed some pounds before the wedding in may! i am so happy i have her in my life up here, i dont know what i would do without that crazy girl.

oh! and as soon as i can i will be posting some pictures of the room. it is still a bit of a mess, but it will be getting better by 5 today cause that is when my friends are going to be here!!! i am BEYOND excited. i need some of my sisters in my life :)

i hope yall have a great weekend :)

welcoming the change

so its a new year and a new adventure for me. i love the unknown almost as much as i love adventures. this time last year i was unsure of so many things and then alabama came along. i have NO doubts that something equally as amazing as Alabama is going to come along. I am just in the waiting process now...which is the crappy part. but you gotta keep your head up every day and not let it get to you...right? so here are some changes i am going to make. some of them make a lot more sense than others, buttt well, the things that don't make sense usually come out making the most sense in the long run for me... so here are some changes that are going to be happening for me...

-i am not going to drink anymore. i am going to try to stop drinking for the whole year. i want to be healthier and happier. and when i drink, even if it is a small amount it makes me angry, i get into these funks and it is so many wasted calories. now, that doesn't mean i am not going to still go out, i will just drink water instead of jack. haha. i also think it will help me personally on so many different levels... now one of my best friends is getting married in may so i will be having some champagne at the wedding, but that is the ONLY time i want to drink.

-i am am changing my room around. i mean, it is so small so there is only so much i can do there... but i am tired of it. i bought new picture frames and am going to hang them up today or tomorrow. i just, i am ready for things to be different.

-i am getting all the people who aren't there for me out. this one is a problem for me. a big problem usually, but i am done being there for people and it never going both ways. i think sometimes i am too nice. i just get tired of being walked over. i mean, i get it...i make bad decisions sometimes-ok, a lot of the time.. but dont judge me. they are MY decisions and i don't regret anything i do, so what does it matter to you? ugh. sorry for that rant...but nice knowin yaaa.

-i want to re-connect with the people who are important to me. mainly jess and court. i miss them both so so much. the two of them were there for me through so many things and it just really sucks that we are almost across the country from each other... i am trying to figure out a way to go to arizona. i almost have enough frequent flier miles to get a one way ticket to az....hopefully this year i will see them both, seeing as they both live in the same stinkin town...

-i am trying to get along better with sissy. i mean, i should while she is still here...right?? before she leaves to go where ever it is she is off too...i think this is working out so far, but i mean who knows. today was a good start. we hung out a little bit and talked like normal people. mainly i complained about this wedding and we chatted about weddings cause we are both in weddings this summer.

i am hoping these changes will make things better in my life. i am ready for my next big adventure. i am. so ready. so whatever it is i hope it gets here fast :)

12 goals in 2012

well, it looks like 2012 snuck up on me. 2011 was definitely an interesting year to say the least. i spent half of it in alabama, a state a year ago was just some weird southern state. but it changed my life. it opened my eyes to this whole new world and although it was a bumpy ride, it is one i am so thankful and blessed to have been able to take. summer'11 was amazing as always, never a dull moment and it may have been one for the record books. and 23 in general was an epic year. but i am looking forward to this next year and the adventures i will take. i dont like to make resolutions, but i am gonna make some realistic goals for 2012....so here they areeeeeeeee... [they are in absolutely no order either!]

1- save $3,000. i know it is not a lot, but i mean at this rate if i get a job, saving that much will be a good strong amount. and i mean it is less than my summer salary, so i think it is something i can actually achieve.

2- do something once a month for me, plan a day trip, try something new, go hiking on the AT or canoeing for the day.. anything one time a month for me...

3- set a plan for the next 2-3 years. whether it is to go back to school or find a job that i like/can see myself doing for the next few years

4- go to at least 3 concerts. this summer i was lucky enough to go to 3-dispatch, tim mcgraw/luke bryan, kenny chesney/zbb and then lady a this winter. i wanna go to some more this summer. too much fun to pass up.

5- be healthier/more confident in myself-lose 20 pounds. this is not only for the wedding but also because i want to feel healthier. so eating right, exercising and treating myself better.

6- read more. i'll admit i am not a big reader. so i am gonna say, read 10 books. i read about 5 books in alabama this fall, which for me was really good. so i would really like to keep that trend up!

7- really go through my stuff and throw things away. i have a hard time at really getting rid of the clutter. so here's to being able to throw the old things away!

8- visit some friends-preferably in the uk! i miss georgia and katherine more than words can say. i really truly do, and i would do anything to be able to see them before 2013! but also jessica is someone who i would do anything to visit. and i would love to go back to az! plus we always said the next time i get back we are going to vegas and i could do that!

9- not let relationships/boys bother me so much. this one is strange i know, but in reality i always get very invested in boys when i shouldnt/when i know they are not healthy relationships and when i know they wont work. so i want to try to be more relaxed and not let my emotions get the best of me.

10- spend more time with my family. and with this i mean my parents and siblings. i dont have the best relationships with them, but i want to try and make them stronger. they really are all you have....

11- learn to cook! to bake, to cook, to be able to eat something other than just cereal and salad when i have to make my own dinner! haha, it is pathetic i know...but i am a master at making anything over a fire. when it comes to a stove/oven eek no thanks.

12- take more pictures. i love to have pictures that i took of things. whether it is friends or nature or whatever. i love it and have kinda stopped recently. but i would love to start that up again :)

i hope yall had a good new year :)

welppp

so then it was christmas eve and christmas, which was good. nothing exciting. i got a north face, which i wasn't expecting at all! and then a saints hat, alabama sweatshirt [i really wanted something that said alabama since i lived there for so long!] and an lsu t-shirt. earrings and a few gift cards. it was a quiet christmas..but a good one :)
and yesterday i napped and did nothing all day and it was lovely! then i went out to dins with roo and we went on an adventure as always and then i dropped her off and picked up kels and we went to new bar and said bye to some people who were flying back to their various places and then to pub to see sar and andypoo. it was nice to see her. things never change with her and i love it. we talked about the wedding which is getting close! eeekkk! and i am excited for it. and today i went to brunch with falan and we chatted about life, as always which i love and it was nice just to see her, she is in san diego these days-eek so far! and then i went to the mall with kels and alex looking for shoes for the wedding/stuff to wear on new years.

so my friend m, i have been basically telling her everything about e lately. and i dont know what i would do without her there to vent to. it is funny because i was just getting to the point where i was accepting that e and i wouldnt run into each other, since we hadn't yet...and then i did. so it was a lot to deal with at once. anyways, m has just been literally listening to me be all excited and happy and also freaking out but she keeps telling me that things work out the way that they should and she just told me that i shouldnt hold back because i am afraid of getting hurt, which is exactly what i am afraid of. but it is funny because i tell people these things all the time and i never believe them. but i think i am going to this time. i am tired of being afraid of things and letting these people slip away because i am afraid to make big moves. i couldn't stop smiling for about 3 days because of just seeing him. i mean, that has to mean something right?! i mean at this point i just wanna hang out/be friends i would be completely content with that...
well, i need to finish getting ready cause i am going out with roo kels alex and other people... so here's to a great end of 2011 and hopefully an even better start to 2012 :)
happy new years [a little early!]

“And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ‘til his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.” -the grinch :)

hope everyone is spending the holidays with people they love and remember the real meaning of the holidays :)

merry christmas!

one day at a time..

so i have been stressing out over life lately and i just want all the answers and honestly i know i am not going to get them all at once or really at all until i get a job and get my life back on track, but until then i have decided to really take life one day at a time. i think the over thinking and rethinking and then trying to figure everything out is really eating away at my brain and making me take a step back from most things. i just i want to live my life without regrets but by being hesitant i feel like/know that this is a way that i am going to begin regretting things that i didn't do. like this weekend for instance, my friend went to visit our other friends in boston and i didn't go because i was afraid to go. i mean, he was going to see roo and dev there and i was too like worried about my own things to even go. why did i waste this great opportunity? i mean i did end up working and seeing elaina but still, i just feel like i missed out on something by not going. i mean, there was some great times at elaina's but i am just frustrated. and of course dan talked to me today and said he was mad i missed his bday. but i mean, in my defense i found out he was going up there 3 days before...so ya know. ughh.

on my venture to see elaina i made a new cd before i went and it had 5 adele songs and i am obsessed with her. i guess i never really listened to the words, just had them on as background music, but wow. her one song in particular struck me and i've decided it is a song about me, obviously. someone like you. oh. my. god. i am legitimately in love. like there are no words. i realllly like the line "You know how the time flies Only yesterday was the time of our lives We were born and raised In a summer haze Bound by the surprise of our glory days" i just it stuck with me all weekend. and then obviously, "Nothing compares No worries or cares Regrets and mistakes They are memories made. Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?" i mean, if you've ever been in a relationship i feel like this one hits ya. but just listening to her i felt inspired almost. anyways, it was a fun trip. didnt do much, but i am her first friend from nj to come visit. so yay me. and i finally met this puppy i've heard so much about. it was a good time, obviously heavy drinking was involved and of course a heart to heart or two were thrown in there. i just really needed to leave for the night and do something other than stay in. we were obviously drunk and the next day didn't get up until about 11. and watched our favorite show and then football drinking mimosas and watched football. then i drove home. haha we legit didnt move off of the couch... but then on the drive home, obviously listening to the same cd, i was thinking a lot about a whole bunch of things but there was one person who kept coming up in my thoughts and i HATE that he was there. he doesn't deserve to be there because he doesnt care enough about me to constantly be on my mind. but driving by these pretty houses on lots of land and i dont know, i could not for the life of me stop thinking about him and how i messed everything up this summer.... but that is a whole different story i am not about to get into.. but there was this one house, i would have sold everything i own to have this house. it was on a huge piece of land, an old stone house with a huge porch and was decorated very classy for christmas and it had the last slivers of the orange sunset behind it. gahh, it was like a postcard. so beautiful.

anyways, i just want to take everything one day at a time. make the right decisions for me at the time and try to make them be the decisions that make me happy. cause i mean, in reality that is all we all want. to be happy...

willy

i also wanted to write another post because today is one of my best friends birthdays. he is 24 today. he held my hand when i cried in 2nd grade at his party when fruit punch got spilled on me, he was the first boy i fell for, he talked me through some really rough times at our 2am aol im convos, he promised me things would be okay when i hated arizona, he told me every boy i date better meet his standards and he did it all with the biggest smile on his face and the most amazing heart of any boy i've ever known. will, i hope today is a good birthday. i hope you are laughing and remembering all the good times. i miss you with all of my heart every single day. here's to you and being the best person i may have ever known. i hope i get to see you tonight in my dreams, come visit me soon babe, it's been too long...

i am starting to forget his voice. i don't remember his laugh. i haven't seen him in my dreams for months. all i want is to see him again, to remember his laugh or his voice. i feel like i am losing him. i don't feel him around me anymore. it is the worst feeling i can think of. i wish he was here to talk to about life, and to see what amazing things he would be doing with his life. i wish this got easier, but it doesn't and it still hurts. every day.

and i go back to december...

it has been a while since i've sat down to write in here. i feel like it was another life actually. not that i have been busy, but i just feel like writing about things make them a reality sometimes. not that it is a bad thing, just i am trying to avoid my real life at the moment seeing as it is me doing a whole lot of nothing and avoiding my life...but i will get to that in a little bit i am sure.

sometimes i have a hard time to get out what i wanna talk about, but to be honest this is one of the only things i have to vent about life and it seems crazy as it is just a blank page when i begin, but being able to look back on so many things in my life a few years later is awesome. to remember the exact feeling i had during something or to have a place to remember something i forgot about.

so a brief bit about my life now...

alabama: i finished up the semester on a good note, a really good note. the last 2 weeks we had a 4 day and then a 5 day group and i absolutely loved my 5 day group. they were rough the first day, just really talkative and everything but i really did have a great 5 days with them and i was so happy to end on them and not a terrible group. the 13 6th graders were a blast and we laughed a larger portion of our time together than me being angry at them, which was a plus. it was weird packing up and leaving bama cause who knows when i will be back and when i will see all my friends from alabama. but i really did enjoy my last week there. which is a positive thing because of how shitty some parts of the semester were. but it always sucks to say goodbye. our last 24 hours was a blast, as always with nc staff, we go big or go home. literally...we got out of work at about 4 and then we had to clean our house, which took years, and pack. which included me and julia blasting some justin timberlake and other great music as we were packing, and then sus and lar took everyone out to dinner, which was amazing cause we went to wildflower :) YUM. best food i ate in alabama for sure! and then we went to adams and we had a lovely going away party time. then me and julia had a lovely adventure trying to get her car jumped because her battery died. and then we headed to birmingham cause i flew outta there. we obviously stopped 2 times in the 2 hour trip though...i am gonna miss car rides with her and just chats about life. but i know i am gonna see her again, no doubts there. i got to the airport 4 hours early, wooo. got to sit in the airport and then my flight was late and had to run through the airport to get my next flight in charlotte. eek. it was crazy. but gosh, nothing is better than seeing all the lights of nyc from the sky and knowing that you are home. it is probably the best feeling in the world. hands down. i cannot describe to anyone the amazingness of that sight. it takes my breath away every single time. and makes me so happy..

home: well, now that i have been home for a few weeks, already--jeez the time flies for real... it has had ups and downs. sissy wasn't supposed to be home. but she is. she broke herself and had to move home for the next monthish or so, which is not the best situation any of us could have asked for. it is nice to see her, but we haven't done much and we don't get along very well, but you just need to make the best of all situations right? exactly. but me and brother have been hanging out a lot, which is always hilarious. we've been exploring in the woods since it has been ridiculously warm lately--seriously winter where are you? i wanna see me some SNOW. but i love seeing my family, it has been so nice. i really am so blessed to be so close to my aunt and my babies and the rest of my family.

work: eh there is not much to say here. working at camp here and there and making some money wrapping presents for some family, but i have an interview in january for this job i really want doing the same thing that i was doing in alabama. so who knows. fingers crossed :) in the mean time i am looking for some lame job to just keep me busy and i am finally getting my stuff for subbing together, i should have done it this summer, but we all know how i like to procrastinate..

life: in general i have no idea what i am doing or what my plans are, i am kinda going on the fly just trying to figure out what want to do with my life and what my options are. it kind of scares me that i really don't have any plans as of right now and it makes me nervous because i am 24, when am i going to find out what i want to do with my life? i know for sure i want to do something that will make me happy and not a boring desk job, but i am willing to do that if it means money for right now, but i mean, i want to do something that matters. i want to do something that will change lives. i just don't know what that is yet, and i am starting to feel like i never will... but hey, everything works out right?

i saw this quote and feel like it fits perfectly into this new change in my life and the feeling of uncertainty....
side note: also changed everything cause i realllllly got bored and needed something new :)
”If you’re feeling frightened about what comes next, don’t be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness, don’t waste time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; because you’ll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart… where your hope lives. You’ll find your way again.”

struggling

4 more days. that is it. and then i am done. but here i sit legitimately struggling to keep the pieces together. i am laying in my bed and i don't know how i am going to make it the next few days. i know that seems insane. four more days is legitimately nothing but this group is absolutely terrible and i am with them all week. management wise things are the worst they have been i feel like and i am just tired of feeling like i am being tossed around. i just want to cry. i have to leave this place, it brings me down, it brings out the worst in me. it makes me angry. so unbelievably angry actually. i feel like i have panic attacks during work because i dont know the answers to what i am doing next sometimes. i feel like i am having one right now just thinking of how angry this job makes me. i love actually doing what i do, but the behind the scenes thing are so ridiculous. i just want to cry. i want to be able to just break down. i know that seems dumb, but i have so many emotions about it being the last week and moving back home that i don't know how to deal with it. i feel like i am struggling to keep myself together. i want to be able to talk about how excellent my life is again. i want to smile all the time. i want to be as happy as i am during the summers. i NEED to find something that makes me that happy, but i am just so unsure as to how to do that. i think that is what is really making this week seem like it is going to be terrible. i just i dont know if i have a full four days left in me....

two weeks

there are two weeks until i leave alabama for a long time. hopefully i know what i am doing.. but before i go we are going to see josh this weekend!!! i am SO excited! i miss him here so much. and since nola didnt work out so well i just feel like this is the perfect way to end the trip down here.

in other news. i still feel like i have no idea what i am doing with my life. but who cares, right? ha cause i sure as heck dont. but what are ya gonna do?

i am happy [at least i think so] with the decision i have made not to come back. i just hope that home isn't a disappointment like it has been before. i hope that things with me and tommy talking keep up so at least i have him back home. i am just scared that i am chasing this dream of what i want nj to be like.. who knows..

so here's to the next 2 weeks and to thanksgiving in sc with the fam. i am sure i will have a lot to say about that afterwards...

rough day

do you ever have a day where you seem to just be messing up left and right and nothing you do seems to be working out? i feel like i have had a long sting of those days all tied into a terribly long week at work. i am just exhausted from work i think. but i am also just tired of not having things work out for me and i dont know how to make them better. i hate feeling like i am constantly making mistakes with situations/people but i dont know what to do anymore. i am tired of feeling like this and i dont know how to make them better. so i think i am just going to stop trying so hard and worrying...

jth

well, october 19th, we meet again. it seems insane that it has been over 5 years since i have talked to james and 5 years since he has been around. it seems almost impossible that it happened that long ago. but i guess the time just seems to fly by sometimes. i miss him. i wonder what he would be doing with his life and where he would be... i am just lucky to have an angel watching over me. missing you all the time james.

life updates.

life is pretty weird these days. it goes from super happy to okay to tired to feeling great. i know it is because work is super crazy these days and i am busy even when i am not working looking for a new job and trying to figure out life, but i am pluggin and chuggin and trying to enjoy every bit of my time down south before i head back home for who knows how long...
my plans are to move back home come thanksgiving and hopefully find a waitressing job or something, maybe retail, i dont know just yet, but then come spring i will hopefully be working the same type of job as here, just super close to home and then camp in the summer. the good thing about the program up there is there is a fall, WINTER, and spring as opposed to just fall and spring which is here. PLUS it is about 20 minutes from home :) but i am also contemplating going back to school to get all my teaching stuff since essentially that is what i want to do. i am also going to apply to be a sub in case this job thing doesnt work out, which fingers crossed it does cause i want it pretty bad. anyways, i am looking forward to being back home and closer to the family and my friends. i really miss them and feel so far away sometimes that it hurts. but i am enjoying myself down here more and more. we had a REALLY good group last week and it made me remember why i love it here and why i love this job. this week should be easy, hopefully anyways.
my birthday is in about 2 weeks, 24 seems like such a big number and it makes me feel so old. one more year until i am 25. gross. but i am excited for my birthday because if all works out as planned, i am going to new orleans with julia friday-sunday and then sunday-monday we are going to panama city, fl cause that is where she lives and i am SO excited! i am gonna see kelly and molly who live in nola and it should be a lot of fun. i am just ready to get away from nc for a bit. i feel trapped here sometimes.
i am also beyond excited about going to see sissy in charleston! i have never been and i am leaving from here and going there and ahhhh i am so excited! i cant wait to be able to wear girly clothes again and do my hair. and i wanna get my nails done and just sleep and not go to work. i have 3 days there before our parents come down and i plan on exploring a little bit. woo. and then obviously exploring once my parents are there and hopefully i will see my friend danielle who i havent seen since summer of sophomore/junior year of hs and who knows. i am just excited :)
now it is bedtime. night and maybe soon i will post about some exciting things i have been thinking of/doing :)

jersey girl.

"The Jersey girl..a love of an unpretentious good time, and a certain sense of style. Jersey girls are about attitude. They're about eating pizza, drinking beer, having great hair - and enjoying it all..She's got a mouth on her. She says what she means. And she's got a nice, cheerful laugh..*Bottom line, all of them are sexy as hell." The Star Ledger

i could not be happier to be a jersey girl. i wouldn't change it for the world. I cannot wait to get home <3

sweet home?

so things in alabama are going pretty well. the groups we've had so far have been rather interesting so far. i mean, dont get me wrong i am having a pretty good time, but it isn't measuring up to the expectations i had i guess. i really had a high expectation here coming into everything but it is not what i was expecting. i did go white water rafting with the staff as well as going camping with the staff. this weekend we all went to the fair in town too, which was amazing and super fun. but i am just not feeling the job i guess is what it comes down to.

i miss people from home and i am camp sick, which isn't anything new. i always am this time of year, but this year it is just different. i mean, i just feel a lot more lost than i ever was i guess. which scares me a little bit i guess, i feel like i am missing out on a lot from home because i am so far. i just feel like i make these amazing relationships and then summer is over and i am left alone again. i miss beaks a lot, we got so close this summer, even more than i was expecting to, and being able to only talk to her on the weekends is rough. i dkk. i am just excited to get a real job and be closer to home :) i think i am just ready to really start my life as a "grown up" again.

but for now i need to go to bed and hopefully get a good night of sleep, which i haven't had in a while. so hopefully i will be able to sleep :)

summer and bama

So I am writing from Alabama and it seems weird being back here but also oddly comforting at the same time. It is one of those places that just sucks you in and you feel like you have never left and that you have been here forever. I love the way that it is so easy to fall back into some places. Even though there are some new places there are still the same crazy antics on the weekends and the same scents that make being here feel like a little piece of home… it just amazes me that I can feel so at home in two places that seem worlds away. And I wish that I could make sense of the comfort I feel in each place and make it easier to try to analyze what makes sense in my head and why right now even though I feel so comfortable I feel like something is missing. And it is weird being here without yoshi being here that is for sure. He was my stability last semester and just understood so many things without even having to explain it…and I am so happy he has this awesome job in tn but I miss him here making things a little bit easier.. but oh well, that is my life-meeting amazing people and losing them a short time later. But more about Alabama and a little about this summer…

Amazing is the only word I feel like describes my summer. I went into this summer with so many hesitations and concerns and I ended my summer on such a positive note and feeling like those worries were ridiculous. I mean, in reality they were, but change is something that I face so often you would think I would be awesome at it, instead it is something I have come to fear-I think because I am in constant change and it is starting to scare me how nothing in my life is very stable. But starting off the summer in fear that neither of my stone pillars were going to be at camp for the full summer/at all was the one thing I think I was most afraid of. Turns out beaks worked at camp all summer and it was the best thing I could have asked for. Things with her are just easy and honestly, I don’t know what I would have done without her on the certain days that she just knew I needed a drive around the lake or to just have a hug [even though she is not the huggy type..] then there was the people who I was surprised to see at camp, ryy and brisca. It amazes me how sometimes you never ever skip a beat with people no matter the time in between seeing or talking to them, it is like there is the bond that no matter what, the time in between doesn’t matter and you can just be yourself and comfortable with them. I had so much fun with the two of them at camp. Ryann was at camp for session1 and we lived together-wtfff haha best thing ever. And brisca was there 4/5 and it was just amazing. I loved being able to have another support around and just being able to have an old friend who was able to come back home and enjoy everything camp has to offer without skipping a beat. It makes it easier for me to think about a time when I might not be able to come back and how easy it will be to hopefully jump back in for a week here or there… and I mean, this summer in general program wise for me was a complete joke, but I took it and went with it. It was: 1&2 middies 3-younger girl creation [aka stb because it was aca week and I was in creation a total of 30 minutes the whole week] 4-beach party 5-younger girl horseback riding [aka help sga canoe with their trip/die at the stables] and 6-mini camp/skytop all in all an interesting pick of programs to say the least, but I guess I just don’t care anymore about programs and was happy with living with friends and just not letting that stuff bother me.
Then there were the nights off and weekends and just hanging out and time with friends. And snuggling. My nights off this year were in all a blast. I don’t remember what I did the first week but 3-6 were filled with bar times and good dinners and just I dk it was fun. And weekends, well two of them were spent on eric’s boat which turned into drunken days and even drunker nights, including one where at dinner I spit all over eric brisca and beaks. Haha, classy I know. And just so much fun. I lost a lot of things this summer on those nights too and woke up never in my own bed…but I wouldn’t change any of those nights at camp.
Before the summer even started me and allie and mips went to booms a lot and we met some guys from around camp and we had a lot of fun. It was an interesting start to the summer especially when we found out a 23 year old boy was going to work at camp as the cook. Turns out, our new friends and him were besties. Haha, good joke for me it turns out. But anyways, I from the beginning was against being friends with him, with my history of boys at camp I didn’t want to start anything/any drama..well, what do you know-new boy that works at camp turned out to be probably the best person I met all summer. I am not going to lie, meeting eric and becoming friends with him made the summer so much better. He was just a great friend to have all summer and we will see where else that leads… but he was able to put up with all our stupid craziness and still wanted to hang out with us, so I couldn’t ask for much else..haha and he dealt with my stupidity while at booms, which lets face it I was a hot mess this summer…
Anyways, then there was the awkward times of your former campers being on staff and I mean, it usually wasn’t much of a problem because I am never super close with my campers but last year I got really close with 2 of my campers on middies and I knew they were going to be hired before they even did and I was super nervous going into the summer because I remember how much I wanted to be able to break that weird camper/counselor line and become “friends” with my former counselors. So I was just nervous for a lot of different reasons, but surprisingly enough and I was super thankful as well, but aside from a few rough patches, things went super smooth and I couldn’t have asked for 2 better friends. I guess I was so nervous because I know that they needed someone and I wanted to be able to be there for them without being seen as a boss type figure if that makes sense..and that transition from camper to counselor itself is a rough one and I just couldn’t be happier with the way things unfolded.
Leaving this summer was super awkward because of course I am sad to leave the one place I truly feel like I can be myself and have these people who will do anything for me, but it was just weird to say goodbye to some of these people. not to say that it isn’t always like that, but just because I felt like some of these relationships aren’t going to be the same once I spend the next 3 months in Alabama and then move back home. Not to sound skeptical, but I am just nervous that things will pan out like they did last year with T. and I think I am just afraid of getting hurt and losing people I care about. Not to say I think that I don’t have strong relationships with them, but just because I don’t want to lose these important people again. And this having no cell service and now no internet is not helping any. [I am so bored that I have decided to word document write this and will post it when the internet comes back!] I just feel beyond isolated sometimes here and it is hard…
Anyways, I am heading to bed because training is bright and early tomorrow and we are hiking to the falls. There is so much more I want to write about the summer, it just becomes so hard to put it all into words sometimes..


me and beaks <3

me and macie

me cor and ry

waaaa

i leave in the morning for alabama. i havent been on here one time this summer, aside from my minor freak out before my trip, which is a great indication of how much i enjoyed my summer. (no venting and complaining! woo) and i was too busy to actually sit on my computer for longer than 2 minutes. :)
i have SOOO much to write in here, i cannot wait to get it all down so that way i can try and figure out some of these emotions i am feeling at the moment, but i need to go to bed so that when i wake up at 5am i am not a complete grump.
my emotions towards going to bama are blahh, but i dont know if that is because i dont want camp to be over or because i am just not interested in being back there. but i guess only time will tell, but i am going to make the best out of alabama and i am not going to let things back in nj ruin my time there.
all i can say is that this summer was a summer of crazy drunken nights and amazing times, with some classic pictures to show for and some great memories :) oh, and it was filled with more snuggling and hugs than i could have ever imagined!