98.

my great grandmother died this morning. she was 98 years old. almost 99. can you imagine living for 98 years. just think of all the things that you have seen if you are that old. it just baffles me i guess to be honest. in no way was this news something to come out of the blue, we've known it was coming for about 3 weeks now, but i don't think it makes it any easier... it is still just sad. she was my last great grandparent. i am a very fortunate person as i knew 3 of my great grandparents. i lost my poppy [her husband] when i was in 7th grade, gram when i was a senior in hs and now nanny. i have very fond memories of all of them and really am truly blessed to have had them in my life. we had 5 generations in my family. she was a great great grandmother, which is just amazing if you ask me. kyleigh, aiden and kenzie-my three love bugs that i talk about often are my cousin john kids, making Nanny a great great grandma... i love my family. more than anything. and today has been hectic for my grammie and dad. i didnt think it was going to hit my dad as hard as it did. he went to see my grandpa this morning and i could tell he was upset, but i didn't know what to do about it, cause welp i am awkward. but he called me about 10 minutes after i left and all i heard was red solo cup playing in the back. he said he just pulled into the nursing home and it came on and that it was just what he needed to hear. we talk about/sing the song in my family a bit..my dad thinks it is hilarrrrious. idk why, he doesnt drink.. but anyways, it made me upset, but i was still glad he called. my parents me and brother went to grammies and had dinner with her. i just feel so bad for her really, because i know this has been so hard for her. i just i dont know how to make it better and i hate that. ohh well.

death is just a really weird thing for me. i feel like i never have the "right" emotions at the right time. i mean, i am sad/upset about this, dont get me wrong. i just feel like sometimes i dont show my emotions. like i didnt cry or get upset about it until i was at work today. when my dad told me, i didnt know what to say and i got all awkward. i just i feel like my emotions go into hibernation when people die around me...and the weird thing is when the phone wrang this morning at 7:30, i knew what it was about. i knew, just had that gut feeling i guess you can call it...and when i went downstairs i knew my dad was going to tell me what he did. i just feel like i get even more awkward than normal.

last night i had a dream about will, but he wasnt in it. it was about him and it was in reality just a bunch of memories around the time that he died and conversations between me and other people and i honestly dont know what it was about, but it was just very incredibly strange. it just threw my mind for a loop. but i was thinking about the fact that his funeral was the last one i went to. sunday i will be in the same place where it was the last time i saw him. and it makes my stomach get butterflies. i am not good at talking about him and i hate that, but i do know that i am nervous about going to the funeral home on sunday for that reason and i hate that. it is just all so weird i guess. i dont know.

the last 2 weeks have just really been a whirlwind of emotions for me. me and m got into some really deep conversations about our friendship and things got weird for a little bit. i know i pull away from people when i feel myself getting to close to them, and i know it is a terrible thing to do, but i cant help it. i am just scared that people i let in will leave, i mean i dont have a good track record with really close friends and i know it isnt an excuse as to why i did what i did, but after talking for a while i think things are ok, at least i hope they are. my mind has been racing ever since the night we were talking about everything. i just, i hope we can work things out and that she knows it wasnt meant in a bad way because i dont know what i would do if we werent friends anymore. we did get to see each other saturday which was really what i needed and it was nice to just have someone there exactly when you needed them to be. i dont think things are ever going to be like they were, but i also feel like all friendships need the rough patches to make things better, right?

i also am missing alabama more than i ever thought that i would. it kinda makes me angry at how much i miss it. i really did enjoy myself there. a year ago this time i was just learning about the job and everything! crazy if you ask me! i think i just really miss having a girlfriend there all day everyday. i just loved that juls was right next door all the time, and if we wanted to be lazy we were lazy and if we wanted to be crazy we were. i also really miss zach and ruby way more than i thought i would! idk, i miss my southern lovin from everyone. i also miss our crazy antics and just being weird. haha. but i do miss mine and julias weird convos and snugging and dance parties and adventures... i am so happy i met everyone i did and i honestly cannot explain how much that was such a positive 8ish months of my life. i just hope that this new job is as much, if not more fun than alabama and that i get that close family feeling from working here too!

well, i need to try and get some sleep, i have work tomorrow and i need to go on a run, hopefully we dont get too much snow! i wanna be able to run tomorrow, i think it will help me with my wandering mind. goodnight