fifty.

happy 50th birthday momma!
i wish i could be there to do something fun with her today =[ but i did send her a card and chocolates and have something planned when i get home.! so hopefully she has a super good birthday : ]

so i am slightly convinced i am paranoid. i don't believe a word anyone says to me anymore. or i believe it, and then i question why they would tell me what they told me. and then i worry if they are just telling me what i want to hear, or if it is really the truth. but then i think 'why would anyone tell me the truth?' i don't just do it with a select few, i do it with EVERYONE. i do it with my parents, ryan, my best friends, my friends here, everyone. i am constantly thinking about everything everyone says to me. i do not trust a single person in my life anymore. there are so many things i want to say and i don't have anyone to tell them to because i don't want anyone judging me because of the stupid things i do. i don't want anyone telling other people the things i tell them. and it is so ridiculous that i don't even trust someone who i have known since i was 5. i don't get that. it is like i woke up one day and just lost all my trust in every single person i know. i don't know. i feel like it is kinda crazy. i feel like i am going crazy. with not being able to sleep lately, i just keep thinking about everything. haha who doesn't trust a single person in their life.? seriously..

and i am pretty sure i can name about 5 reasons as to why i no longer trust anyone. but when am i going to get over them? i just want to seriously forget that june through december of this year happened. and i want to just be OVER everything in my life. i wish there was a restart button so i could forget everything sometimes.