i hate him.

today i am not okay. and i hate it. i just want to move on. i almost wish i could erase him from every bit of my life. i know i can't but i wish i could with every single piece of my heart right now. i hate what he did to me. i hate him. i hate that he made me into this bitter person who is faking being happy all the time. i hate that he took away my hope and my dreams and my belief in love. i hate that he is happy. i hate that he has a girlfriend. i hate that he has moved on. i hate that i meant nothing to him. i hate that i still have dreams about him. i hate that everything i do in my life reminds me of him. and i hate that i love him so much it makes me sick. all i want to do is punch him in the face. all i want is a fucking phone call or text because i feel like he has completely forgot about me. how do you just move on so fast after three years, and nine months? i hate him for hurting me so bad. i hate him for lying to me. i hate him for making me so happy. i hate him for doing the one thing he promised me he would never do. i hate him. i hate everything about him. i hate that he lied even after we broke up. i hate that he told me he still wanted to be in my life. i hate that he used his job as an excuse because he didn't have the balls to say it was me that he didn't want to be with. i hate that i cannot go a day without wishing i could have changed enough to be what he wanted. i hate him for the words i just typed. i hate him for not wanting me to move down there and try to fix this. i hate him for not waiting the extra 6 months for me to graduate and see if we had a fighting chance. i hate him for ruining the dreams i had. i hate that i cry about him because i promised myself after the first week i wouldn't cry anymore. i hate him because every time my phone rings and it is a number i don't know my heart stops because i hope it is him. and i hate myself for not being over him yet. i don't want to move on. i am not okay. and i don't know how to make sense of any of this because i am so embarrassed that i am not okay and that i can't move on yet. i hate that i did this to myself. i told myself i would never let a boy do this, and there he was, he came into my life and ruined everything, but he didn't ruin anything...he made me see a different side to life, and i am so afraid i will never get that back that i can't see anything except this lonely life i have. i hate this. i hate that is it a beautiful sunny day outside and all i want is for it to be a cloudy day so i have a reason to be mopey. i hate that i have been lying for the past six months to myself that i am okay. i hate that i don't have any dreams anymore because he was a part of all of them. and the thing i hate the most is that all i want is for him to be here for me and to make me feel like i have a purpose in life again.

i feel like i am going to vomit because that is how frustrated i am. how do you just stop talking to someone after 4 years of being in that persons life the way we were? how do you just stop? how do you forget everything that was going on and pretend like it wasn't? how do you live again?

my life is falling apart round 2 just hit me like a ton of bricks. and i am so lost in my life that i can't even tell which way is up anymore...