one week down, a lifetime to go...

it has been one week. one slow, stressful, hot, tiring week. but i have made it. i think this is supposed to be the hardest week, right?

so i talked to my mom yesterday about everything that happened with ryan on monday. my mom is going through a lot right now and is super emotional about life. i was talking and i can only be optimistic with things i have to say about my future, whatever that will be.. and i can only be optimistic with things i have to say about ryan. i wasn't crying, i am not angry..and we were talking and she started crying. i was like, mom, what are you doing crying!?! [obviously i started to get teary at this point] and she was like, i just literally expected you to fall apart. she was like, i expected to have to come down there to put the pieces back together. she said, you are just being such a grown up about this, i don't know how you are doing this at all. you are stronger than i am... and i was like, well-first of all, my lowest grade on anything all semester is a C [for me, this is super awesome!] and i cannot let this affect school right now because i need to keep up the good grades and by staying busy i am not thinking about it. and 2-i can't fall apart because i don't know if i would be able to ever pick myself up.

i am trying so incredibly hard not to let my life fall apart right now. i can see the sand coming through the holes in some places, but i am trying so incredibly hard to not let it all pour out. i need to stay together for at least 13 more days, preferably until after scotland comes and goes though. literally all i want to do is lay in bed and feel sorry for myself, but i don't want to be there and do that. i can't do that.

i was also talking to my mom about ryan's mom. i think she is such an amazing person and i don't want to lose her in my life. she makes me want to be a better person. she inspires me to want to do great things...and i was talking to her about it and she was like, well uncle scott's ex's are still in touch with grammie, there is no reason why you couldn't still talk to her..and i know some of nick's ex's are still in touch with her because she tells me about them whenever i come to visit... i just, i honestly don't want to lose his mom in my life. it is sad because i haven't just formed a bond with him, but his whole family really. i think i might miss nana the most though. she was always a blast to hang out with. i loved her stories of ww2 and just her funny stories of her life...

i just i don't want to lose his whole family. and that makes me sad, but i know it will happen, little by little. i will. and it stinks, but i promised myself it will only make me stronger as a person and i will learn from this.

i took down some pictures and left some up. i took down some things he has sent me and i plan on making a nice photo album of our almost 4 years together. i never want to forget the way he made me feel or how happy i was to be around him. i never want to forget the way he gave me butterflies or the way he could say one word and it made me laugh..i don't ever want to regret any time we had together or be angry for it either. he has changed my life in so many ways he could never know about because i can't even describe them.

my aunt has called me probably close to 5 times in the last week. and well, i cannot answer the phone. my mom said they haven't told anyone in my family. he was very close with my grammie and my whole family really. i just don't know how i am going to tell them. it makes me sad to think about it. but i don't want to talk to her and i can't lie to her. so i just am not answering the phone. i will make up some excuse when i get home, being in the library or something.. but i don't want to tell them yet. i am afraid that i will fall apart by telling them.

i also don't understand. i mean i know how it is super weird to act around people who are going through tough times, but is to ask "how are you" a good thing? i mean think about it? i just keep saying i am good. because i don't know what else to say. i am out of bed and i am showering. that is as good as i am going to be for now. my mom asked me the other day if i was showering still. ha thanks momma. you the best :) but yes, i am showering and keeping up with school. i am almost done with my project for comp sci!!!!! i actually know a lot more than i thought i did. it might take me 23 minutes to do ONE input because i get flustered, BUT i still got it right. i just need to make a LOT of graphs and then write my paper up on it. but it is FRIDAY and it is due TUESDAY. yay me :)

i just cannot wait to sit on the porch swing with my best friend and drink a LOT of wine. or to see roo and get some sprinks from cliffs with a little bit of orange icecream :) or to snuggle with my lion who love me so much, or to be on the lake forgetting about life.

i just need summer, more than i think i have ever needed one before.
one week down, a lifetime to go. lets just hope i can keep all my pieces together for the long time, and not just for a little bit at a time.