he took all of my color.
that is the only way that i can put any of this into perspective. i have a lime green, neon blue, pink and orange bracelet from Walmart. it is a simple braided bracelet. but my friend told me it was me in bracelet form. i feel like a grey bracelet or a black bracelet. i know it is stupid, but it was the only way i can make any sense of this.
his pictures are still on the wall, the picture he drew me is still up there and so is the reasons why he loves me. i can't take them down. mainly because that will make it real. also because there will just be weird holes in my room and i do not want them there.
i can't take the jewelry off that he gave me. mainly because i feel completely naked without it on. i took it off for maybe 3 minutes and couldn't deal with no wearing it all.
i might be weak and i might not be dealing with this the way i should be.. but i don't care. he took away my dreams and he took away the life i wanted and was ready for and the life i have been working towards since i started school. and i know this is going to sound more insane then anything i have ever said in here, but i WANT to go down there still. it wasn't about him anymore. it was about something i find myself incredibly passionate about. talking about going down there and doing teachNOLA and being able to help the kids who need it, and to be able to help change the schools down there and to be with people who NEED someone who actually cares and isn't just going through the motions of teaching.. it is something i actually want to do. and i know there are other cities. but nola is the only city i have ever felt completely comfortable in. i can see myself in an apartment with kelcakes and i can see me being so happy down there. without him. but i don't want people to think that i am going there to try to follow him. because a while back i said that this job had nothing to do with him. it is something that i WANT to do. i mean, i only know about this job because of him. but it is something i truly want. and i want it for me. not for "us" not for "him" not for anything else, but i want it for a reason that i can't explain.
and you know, maybe something great will come out of this. maybe we can be the friends that i want us to be. he has been the only person i can say has been there for me through the hardest four years of my life. no questions asked. supported every single decision i made and believed in me. he is the one person who flew across the country and to a different continent to see me. he is the one person who knows everything about me. who has seen me at my best and my worst. and i cannot lose another friend like that. the last year has been hard, and it looks like it is only going to get harder. my whole body is aching right now and i find myself unable to breathe at points because taking a deep breath hurts. and i know i will be okay. but i cannot lose other person this year.
i literally will not be able to hold myself together if that happens....
this song is on repeat on my itunes right now. and i feel like it is the only thing that i can relate to.
Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street
She thinks, “Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can’t get out of this place”
There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her it might
She says, “I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place”
There’s loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
There’s a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It’d take the work out of the courage
But she says, “Please
There’s a crazy man that’s creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world”
There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It’s more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey
No comments:
Post a Comment