stuck.

i feel lost.
i don't know what i am doing with my life. i don't know what i want to do. i don't know who my friends are. i don't know what i even want out of my life.
all i know is i am stuck. and i feel like school is the reason i am stuck. i am stuck going to classes and i am stuck doing work. and i am stuck in the same place. i want to be able to get out and do something that i believe would make me feel like i have a purpose.
i want to go to a new place and do new things. i am tired of classes and reading and exams and homework. i want to move on from all of this.
i want to be able to become who i feel like i can be without school holding me back.
but then i just feel lost again when i go to school. i feel like it is holding me back and not letting me reach that place. i am not good in school, i try and no matter what i will not do well, i will never be that smart student who gets A's. i know that, i've come to realization with that. but i want to be able to prove that i am able to do the things i feel like i was meant to do. i want to move to new orleans and be a teacher there and try and make the lives of the kids better. [or at least try to]
i want to move on with my life. i think i feel so lost is because it is 4 years later and i am still in school. me and ryan are still long distance. i still don't have that closeness that i was looking for, that i miss, and that i feel like i need. i don't know where i am going to find it, but i need it. i keep thinking i have it and then it slips through my fingers. and maybe it is my fault, maybe i actually am the terrible friend people tell me i am. maybe i don't know what it means to be a friend. but if that is true then maybe i just don't need those people in my life anymore? then why is it SO HARD TO LET GO? why can't i be like some people who obviously do not seem to care enough about me to take a second look? why do i have to be the one to always care and put others first? i am so tired of being second to everyone. all the time. i think i am just ready for a new chapter in my life instead of being stuck in this rut i am in.
anyways, this got me thinking, if you knew someone was dying what would you say to them? what would you say to me if i had a day left to live? you know how people are always saying that if they knew they would have said something? well what is it you would say to me? and why don't we say these things? if i could talk to Will one more time, i would just simply tell him that I loved him, and that there is nothing I wouldn't do for him. and maybe that could have changed the outcome of July 5th, 2009. but maybe it wouldn't. either way it would make this whole thing easier on me. because here it is, october 11, 2009 and i can't stop thinking about how i could have changed things. and i know so many people are going to say, there was nothing i could have done--but maybe there was. maybe i could have said that to him and he wouldn't have done what he did. and it hurts so bad to know that he didn't think that he could have talked to me about it, or anyone else for that matter. my heart literally aches when i think about this.
i know that this is one long thought that just seems to jump around from subject to subject, but it is the one thing i think about every day. and i want to be able to change it, which i know i can't. but that makes me realize there are things i want to do and being where i am in my life make me feel stuck in this hole and i can't get out. it is like i am a foot too short and i can't jump out of it.
i want to be able to get out and start a new chapter in my life. i need to prove to myself that things will still move on. and maybe in some messed up way, that is what i need to move on. not that i want to move on and forget him or forget what happened, but maybe for me that is what i need to do? i don't know.
i am just so lost right now. i don't know what i am doing and i don't know how to make it better. i just know that if it doesn't happen soon i feel like i will never be okay.