i dont know why, but today i can not stop thinking about james. i really miss him. i was thinking about high school, i think that might be why..i mean, really-high school was so good. it was actually pretty amazing. aside from the knee surgery and fights with my dad. but honestly, i had the greatest friends..played hockey, was a part of something big..and even though it didn't seem like it at the time, it was big. i lived in this great place, and i had SO many dreams...
and now i feel like i dont have any of that. i am not a part of something, and i don't feel like i have many friends. and i don't have dreams anymore.. i mean, dont get me wrong. i would die without the friends. but i feel like i can't make friends anymore. i feel like i am so weird these days that i can't be myself. and if i can't be myself with my friends, then what is the sense of having friends.. and i am afraid to open up to people. because i am tired of getting hurt...but i can't let the past stop me from moving on. i am just scared.
i guess in high school i couldnt wait to get out and experience this great life i saw on the tv...this amazing thing called college, well i am here, have been for a year and a half..its not all it's cracked up to be..i want to go back, just to one day in high school, and change it all...and see where i would be right now if i made different decisions...
i just really, i have no more dreams. i mean, my one dream in life is to be happy, completely content with every aspect of my life...but i used to want to change the world, i used to want todo something with my life. now i feel like itis the same shit, different day. and i hate that. maybe it was part of growing up...to realize that those were unrealistic goals, and to just deal with the fact that i am going to be a teacher for the next 40 years. and to be happy with that. i used to want to play field hockey in college so bad. i wanted to get a scholarship. i haven't even picked up a stick since senior year...i used to want to change people's lives. now i know that it won't happen in the capacity i wanted it to. i just feel like, i am loosing things that i have absolutely no control over...and i dont like it. i want to have dreams, but how do you try to make yourself believe in things that you know won't happen...
whenever i get upset like this though i start to think of james. and really, i just still dont understand how he isnt here. i want more than anything to still wake up and him be here. i need him to be. and its been a year a half almost, and it still hurts that he isnt here. i've been having dreams with him in them. and he doesnt talk, or anything..he is just in the background...watching. and i dont know, he made me want to do something amazing with my life. he made me happy, just by smiling at me. and most people wouldnt expect that to happen, if you knew me and you knew him--hell most people didnt even know we were friends, but honestly, i can't imagine high school without him..i just, i miss him. and i want him to be here and to tell me everything is going to be ok. and tell me that i am going to do great things with my life. and give me one more hug. and let me know that you are ok. and that you are happy. cause you know, when things were shitty, you were there, without questions, with a smile, a hug, and you'd tell me things would be ok. i just really miss him. a lot..
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