Eat, Pray, Love

You should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead.
-Elizabeth Gilbert: Eat, Pray, Love

i read eat, pray, love when i was frolicking across Europe in the spring of 2008. i fell in love with the book. for me, this is huge. i do not like to read, especially because it is all i do at school. but being as i was constantly on a train, plane or bus when i was traveling, i needed something to pass the time. it is an amazing book. top 3 i have ever read. and to be honest, this book was pretty much something i would love to do. the traveling to the 3 different countries just because you needed a break from your life.

it is going to be a movie with julia roberts, who is hands down one of my favorite actresses of all times. i just hope that this movie is gooood. here is the trailer for it: http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2840790041/

but back to the quote, i don't think there could be a better example of what i feel in my heart and in my head. aside from the one drunken night and the day it happened, i will not let myself fall apart. i don't want a boy to define me. i don't want him to have this power over me. there will be no more crying. i am trying to not be so upset. and trying to not have this want for him to be in the empty space any more. i am going to fill it with love. love for myself, love for my family and love for my friends.

i've realized there are a lot of things i want to do in my life. and now maybe they will be easier without someone holding me down. i WANT to move to nola and teach there for 2 years or so. i want to help out in a place where there are not as many opportunities and where they need teachers who are willing to go the extra mile and not half ass things. i want to spend more time in Europe, maybe working there for a year or something insane again where i pick up and just leave. i want to live with jessica somewhere in the middle of like texas or who knows where we will be, but i want to spend more time with her. i've missed her and i think we would have so much fun living together and having real people lives. and i want to be happy. i want that so much. and maybe being happy means not being with him anymore, and i am okay with that. i just want to be able to look in the mirror when i am getting ready in the morning and know that nothing about my smile is fake anymore. and to be able to say that i am really happy again. i want to be able to not have the days where everything hurts and all i want to do is stay laying in bed for the whole day because that would be easier than trying to act ok.

i am not angry still. i don't think i could be. the last 12 months have just been extremely hard. just when i was getting over losing one friend, i had to face another one. meg, will, ryan....and losing meg and ryan don't even reach the level of losing Will, but it still is hard to lose people you care about when you don't have ANY control over the matter.

i lost Will 11 months ago. i will never ever get over not having him in my life. there is no way i am ever going to understand anything that happened with him. why he killed himself, why he thought it was the only choice and why it all happened, but i know one thing, he brought a bunch of us closer together. he made me realize how short life is. how important the people in your life are to you. i thought he would be around forever. he has been there since 2nd grade. i cannot believe it has almost been a year. i miss him and think about him every single day. i will love him forever and i know he knew that, i just hope that he can see how much other people did too..