2 months 1 day.

two months and one day...
that is how long ago the most generous, talented, driven, amazing person i may have ever known left this world. and i don't understand. at all. i think this summer i really just tried to stay focused on work and the kids and keep busy because i didn't want to face the reality of what happened. but now i don't know what to do. i can't stop thinking about why he killed himself. or why he didn't think he could talk to me. or what i could have done to make it stop. my mind is like swirling right now. and there are so many things going on in it. and i just can't seem to make sense of any of it.
so many moments of my life and so many important times in my life he was there for. since 2nd grade he has been there for me. helped me through things, talked to me til 3 in the morning and had the most in depth and life changing conversations. and i know that sounds stupid, but we would stay up talking on the computer and just talk about life and everything that had to do with life. and it hurts so bad that he was there for me so many times and this one time, this huge time, i couldn't be there for him. that he felt like he had no option but to give up. and i feel like a part of me is missing now. and it hurts. it feels like someone took a part of my heart and a part of my childhood away from me. and i am never ever going to get it back.
and i feel like i should have dealt with this this summer when things were so fresh, and when people wanted me to deal with it. but i just couldn't and now i don't know how to deal with these feelings and this pain. and i just i don't know how to talk to anyone about it. because i feel like there is too much to say and none of it is going to come out the right way. and i want to talk about it, but when i go to talk about it, nothing comes out. and it hurts every single day. i have thought about him every single day since it happened. i don't feel better. and i need to. because i don't know what to do. i don't know who to talk to. and i feel like i have so many people to talk to about it, but i can't find the person i need to. because when James died, Will was the one there for me.
there is so many things i feel are building up about the whole situation, and i feel like there is nothing to do. and it is like i am drowning in a pot full of my thoughts about this and there is nothing i can do to get myself out of it. it has only been 2 months and 1 day, but it feels like years. i had just talked to him before this all happened. why could he have not talked to me about this. i don't understand. i literally feel like my heart is breaking. every time i think about it. he was the first boy who ever told me i was beautiful. he was one of my best friends. from 2nd grade to this summer he was the one there for me. he was the person to save me so many times. why couldn't i have been there to save him? i just feel so lost and confused. i need someone to tell me what to do to deal with this. because it hurts. more than i ever thought it could. and i don't know what to do.