just a dream..

for some reason i decided to look back and see what i was doing a year ago on this blog. happens to be that i wrote an entry about people and natural disasters and other things. but then i read the one before and it was all about my winter break, which i wish i didn't read, but i can't erase my past. no one can. and i don't think i would want to, it is just that sometimes i feel like it was only just a dream and it wasn't my real life.
i love looking back and reminiscing. i am a firm believer that you learn from your past and that everything you go through makes you a stronger person and helps you for something you will come across in your future. and i have come to terms with everything that has happened for the most part.
this is going to sound so incredibly stupid, but i am able to live again, go day to day without thinking about him and blaming myself, without feeling completely alone [for the most part] and without wondering what i could have done differently. am i saying i never think about him? no. i do, but it doesn't hurt as bad. it doesn't make me break down. i realized i have dreams still and i am a completely capable person on my own. i realized it is possible that another guy can make me laugh and make me feel special and that i am able to do things in order to make me happy.
but reading that entry just brought everything back to the surface, and i guess it was so hard with the holidays and not seeing him or his family, who were my family for the last 4 years. and i think that i realized that i may never be in that situation again where they will be in my life, and that hurts, but i am going to be okay, i have made it this far and have gotten through things on my own.
i will be ok, even though it still feels like this is all a bad dream, i will be ok. i mean, i am always ok, right?


in other news...
i have been working at camp this weekend and sometimes that place just comes alive with magic and it stuns me how easily i forget about the magic there... i got to see some of my favorites from the summer, they are all applying, which is so exciting for them. but it makes me feel so old! and i had a very fun time with mips and the boss lady :)


i was talking to someone this weekend and it amazed me how much i realized she reminded me of me. except i was a little bit older than she was, but the stuff she is going through and the things she told me, just really stunned me. she would tell me something and i wanted to tell her that i feel like we went through the same stuff. but it is just funny because i started thinking about the people who were there for me then, and how they are barely in my life now. it makes me sad. in a lot of ways. makes me wonder if i just grew out of needing them, or if my constant complaints drove them away..and i wonder if they still care about me and think about how i am doing as much as i think about them. sometimes i think i owe some of them my life because there were days that i don't think i would have made it without them...

i also noticed lately that people from lots of cool places, including nj have been reading! i wish i could be more interesting, but i can't but leave a fun note even if i don't know you cause i am always looking for a new blog to read!