the colors are all meaningful

sleep.

2012-01-26T12:48:00.002-05:00

i haven't been able to sleep lately. first i can't fall asleep, then if i do fall asleep i end up having dreams and i wake up and then can't fall back asleep. i wouldn't say they are bad dreams, but they are weird and about people i havent seen/talked to in forever. so it is kinda weird....but last night was the first night in so long i have been able to actually sleep, which so incredibly good.

i have been hanging out with kelsey a lot lately which has been a ridiculous amount of fun. we've been planning sar's bridal shower, which has been interesting to say the least. neither of us have ever been to one and well, haha it is just interesting trying to deal with the maid of honor [she lives in cali] i am getting more and more excited for the wedding though, especially since we have the shoes now and dont have to be worrying about them. but it has just been extremely wonderful having her and alex to hang out with because i dont really have many friends up this way. we went to the movies the other day, we saw extremely loud and incredibly close which was soo good, realllly intense though. and we went to dinner and it was just nice to hang out with friends. it makes me happy that we are getting to be pretty good friends.

mary came to visit which was good. jessie was supposed to come too but her sister went into the hospital and was really sick, so she couldnt make it. i was kinda upset i am not going to lie, but what are you going to do.. it is just that this was the 2nd time j said she was going to come visit that she didnt...i just hate getting my hopes up. but it was so nice to see mary. i forgot how much fun we can have just doing legit nothing. we went out friday night with kels and alex and then saturday we didnt do much cause IT FINALLY SNOWED! we got about 6-8 inches or so :) but it is all melted now. we went to the diner and i introduced her to disco fries and diners. haha and we just hung out all day on saturday and watched movies and stuff then sunday we got bagels and she got some taylor ham egg and cheese, she loved it. i always try to introduce my friends to the jersey things..haha. but it was just fun having her and being weird and i needed it.

i am getting excited for this job, but also kinda nervous now. eekk. i am just curious as to how everything is going to be in comparison to alabama. i mean, i loved so many things about alabama and i am actually missing it a lot right now, especially julia and yakkk. but what are ya gonna do?? i talked to julia the other day and it was lovely. she wants me to come visit for her bday but plane tickets are a jillion dollars. womp. i would pretty much do anything to go visit her though, especially cause she lives in florida. haha.

i need to go be productive and actually do something aside from just laying in bed... i worked tuesday and yesterday though so i don't feel TOO bad about being lazy today. womp. i am beyond excited though because tomorrow i am going to see my all time favorite movie--beauty and the beast--in 3D. i cannot tell you my excitement for seeing this movie with m. when i found out it was coming out to movie theaters i decided i had to go see it, but i mean, considering aside from tuesday i havent been to the movies since april, i didnt think it would happen. haha i cannot wait. :] then saturday i am working from 9-5 and im going out with k&a. so i am excited for the weekend. yayyy.
hope everyone has a good rest of the week/weekend.

job:)

2012-01-20T11:24:00.003-05:00

so things are looking up already! i got a job yesterday! it is at a camp pretty close to where i live, and i will be doing the same type of things i did there. I am beyond excited that i got this job, and i cannot wait for March 5th to get here so i can start :)

awkwardly enough my boss from bama fb messaged me yesterday to ask if i wanted my job back down there...he was like, i have 3 positions available and would really love it if you would come back...if i didnt get the job offer from mason i probably would have considered it, but i just...i need to be closer to home i think. but who knows, i might end up back in alabama one day..we never know!

i also am going walking with kels to try to shed some pounds before the wedding in may! i am so happy i have her in my life up here, i dont know what i would do without that crazy girl.

oh! and as soon as i can i will be posting some pictures of the room. it is still a bit of a mess, but it will be getting better by 5 today cause that is when my friends are going to be here!!! i am BEYOND excited. i need some of my sisters in my life :)

i hope yall have a great weekend :)

welcoming the change

2012-01-18T13:30:00.002-05:00

so its a new year and a new adventure for me. i love the unknown almost as much as i love adventures. this time last year i was unsure of so many things and then alabama came along. i have NO doubts that something equally as amazing as Alabama is going to come along. I am just in the waiting process now...which is the crappy part. but you gotta keep your head up every day and not let it get to you...right? so here are some changes i am going to make. some of them make a lot more sense than others, buttt well, the things that don't make sense usually come out making the most sense in the long run for me... so here are some changes that are going to be happening for me...

-i am not going to drink anymore. i am going to try to stop drinking for the whole year. i want to be healthier and happier. and when i drink, even if it is a small amount it makes me angry, i get into these funks and it is so many wasted calories. now, that doesn't mean i am not going to still go out, i will just drink water instead of jack. haha. i also think it will help me personally on so many different levels... now one of my best friends is getting married in may so i will be having some champagne at the wedding, but that is the ONLY time i want to drink.

-i am am changing my room around. i mean, it is so small so there is only so much i can do there... but i am tired of it. i bought new picture frames and am going to hang them up today or tomorrow. i just, i am ready for things to be different.

-i am getting all the people who aren't there for me out. this one is a problem for me. a big problem usually, but i am done being there for people and it never going both ways. i think sometimes i am too nice. i just get tired of being walked over. i mean, i get it...i make bad decisions sometimes-ok, a lot of the time.. but dont judge me. they are MY decisions and i don't regret anything i do, so what does it matter to you? ugh. sorry for that rant...but nice knowin yaaa.

-i want to re-connect with the people who are important to me. mainly jess and court. i miss them both so so much. the two of them were there for me through so many things and it just really sucks that we are almost across the country from each other... i am trying to figure out a way to go to arizona. i almost have enough frequent flier miles to get a one way ticket to az....hopefully this year i will see them both, seeing as they both live in the same stinkin town...

-i am trying to get along better with sissy. i mean, i should while she is still here...right?? before she leaves to go where ever it is she is off too...i think this is working out so far, but i mean who knows. today was a good start. we hung out a little bit and talked like normal people. mainly i complained about this wedding and we chatted about weddings cause we are both in weddings this summer.

i am hoping these changes will make things better in my life. i am ready for my next big adventure. i am. so ready. so whatever it is i hope it gets here fast :)

12 goals in 2012

2012-01-10T23:21:00.002-05:00

well, it looks like 2012 snuck up on me. 2011 was definitely an interesting year to say the least. i spent half of it in alabama, a state a year ago was just some weird southern state. but it changed my life. it opened my eyes to this whole new world and although it was a bumpy ride, it is one i am so thankful and blessed to have been able to take. summer'11 was amazing as always, never a dull moment and it may have been one for the record books. and 23 in general was an epic year. but i am looking forward to this next year and the adventures i will take. i dont like to make resolutions, but i am gonna make some realistic goals for 2012....so here they areeeeeeeee... [they are in absolutely no order either!]

1- save $3,000. i know it is not a lot, but i mean at this rate if i get a job, saving that much will be a good strong amount. and i mean it is less than my summer salary, so i think it is something i can actually achieve.

2- do something once a month for me, plan a day trip, try something new, go hiking on the AT or canoeing for the day.. anything one time a month for me...

3- set a plan for the next 2-3 years. whether it is to go back to school or find a job that i like/can see myself doing for the next few years

4- go to at least 3 concerts. this summer i was lucky enough to go to 3-dispatch, tim mcgraw/luke bryan, kenny chesney/zbb and then lady a this winter. i wanna go to some more this summer. too much fun to pass up.

5- be healthier/more confident in myself-lose 20 pounds. this is not only for the wedding but also because i want to feel healthier. so eating right, exercising and treating myself better.

6- read more. i'll admit i am not a big reader. so i am gonna say, read 10 books. i read about 5 books in alabama this fall, which for me was really good. so i would really like to keep that trend up!

7- really go through my stuff and throw things away. i have a hard time at really getting rid of the clutter. so here's to being able to throw the old things away!

8- visit some friends-preferably in the uk! i miss georgia and katherine more than words can say. i really truly do, and i would do anything to be able to see them before 2013! but also jessica is someone who i would do anything to visit. and i would love to go back to az! plus we always said the next time i get back we are going to vegas and i could do that!

9- not let relationships/boys bother me so much. this one is strange i know, but in reality i always get very invested in boys when i shouldnt/when i know they are not healthy relationships and when i know they wont work. so i want to try to be more relaxed and not let my emotions get the best of me.

10- spend more time with my family. and with this i mean my parents and siblings. i dont have the best relationships with them, but i want to try and make them stronger. they really are all you have....

11- learn to cook! to bake, to cook, to be able to eat something other than just cereal and salad when i have to make my own dinner! haha, it is pathetic i know...but i am a master at making anything over a fire. when it comes to a stove/oven eek no thanks.

12- take more pictures. i love to have pictures that i took of things. whether it is friends or nature or whatever. i love it and have kinda stopped recently. but i would love to start that up again :)

i hope yall had a good new year :)

welppp

2011-12-27T20:35:00.004-05:00

so then it was christmas eve and christmas, which was good. nothing exciting. i got a north face, which i wasn't expecting at all! and then a saints hat, alabama sweatshirt [i really wanted something that said alabama since i lived there for so long!] and an lsu t-shirt. earrings and a few gift cards. it was a quiet christmas..but a good one :)
and yesterday i napped and did nothing all day and it was lovely! then i went out to dins with roo and we went on an adventure as always and then i dropped her off and picked up kels and we went to new bar and said bye to some people who were flying back to their various places and then to pub to see sar and andypoo. it was nice to see her. things never change with her and i love it. we talked about the wedding which is getting close! eeekkk! and i am excited for it. and today i went to brunch with falan and we chatted about life, as always which i love and it was nice just to see her, she is in san diego these days-eek so far! and then i went to the mall with kels and alex looking for shoes for the wedding/stuff to wear on new years.

so my friend m, i have been basically telling her everything about e lately. and i dont know what i would do without her there to vent to. it is funny because i was just getting to the point where i was accepting that e and i wouldnt run into each other, since we hadn't yet...and then i did. so it was a lot to deal with at once. anyways, m has just been literally listening to me be all excited and happy and also freaking out but she keeps telling me that things work out the way that they should and she just told me that i shouldnt hold back because i am afraid of getting hurt, which is exactly what i am afraid of. but it is funny because i tell people these things all the time and i never believe them. but i think i am going to this time. i am tired of being afraid of things and letting these people slip away because i am afraid to make big moves. i couldn't stop smiling for about 3 days because of just seeing him. i mean, that has to mean something right?! i mean at this point i just wanna hang out/be friends i would be completely content with that...
well, i need to finish getting ready cause i am going out with roo kels alex and other people... so here's to a great end of 2011 and hopefully an even better start to 2012 :)
happy new years [a little early!]

2011-12-24T22:19:00.002-05:00

“And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ‘til his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.” -the grinch :)

hope everyone is spending the holidays with people they love and remember the real meaning of the holidays :)

merry christmas!

one day at a time..

2011-12-12T22:43:00.002-05:00

so i have been stressing out over life lately and i just want all the answers and honestly i know i am not going to get them all at once or really at all until i get a job and get my life back on track, but until then i have decided to really take life one day at a time. i think the over thinking and rethinking and then trying to figure everything out is really eating away at my brain and making me take a step back from most things. i just i want to live my life without regrets but by being hesitant i feel like/know that this is a way that i am going to begin regretting things that i didn't do. like this weekend for instance, my friend went to visit our other friends in boston and i didn't go because i was afraid to go. i mean, he was going to see roo and dev there and i was too like worried about my own things to even go. why did i waste this great opportunity? i mean i did end up working and seeing elaina but still, i just feel like i missed out on something by not going. i mean, there was some great times at elaina's but i am just frustrated. and of course dan talked to me today and said he was mad i missed his bday. but i mean, in my defense i found out he was going up there 3 days before...so ya know. ughh.

on my venture to see elaina i made a new cd before i went and it had 5 adele songs and i am obsessed with her. i guess i never really listened to the words, just had them on as background music, but wow. her one song in particular struck me and i've decided it is a song about me, obviously. someone like you. oh. my. god. i am legitimately in love. like there are no words. i realllly like the line "You know how the time flies Only yesterday was the time of our lives We were born and raised In a summer haze Bound by the surprise of our glory days" i just it stuck with me all weekend. and then obviously, "Nothing compares No worries or cares Regrets and mistakes They are memories made. Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?" i mean, if you've ever been in a relationship i feel like this one hits ya. but just listening to her i felt inspired almost. anyways, it was a fun trip. didnt do much, but i am her first friend from nj to come visit. so yay me. and i finally met this puppy i've heard so much about. it was a good time, obviously heavy drinking was involved and of course a heart to heart or two were thrown in there. i just really needed to leave for the night and do something other than stay in. we were obviously drunk and the next day didn't get up until about 11. and watched our favorite show and then football drinking mimosas and watched football. then i drove home. haha we legit didnt move off of the couch... but then on the drive home, obviously listening to the same cd, i was thinking a lot about a whole bunch of things but there was one person who kept coming up in my thoughts and i HATE that he was there. he doesn't deserve to be there because he doesnt care enough about me to constantly be on my mind. but driving by these pretty houses on lots of land and i dont know, i could not for the life of me stop thinking about him and how i messed everything up this summer.... but that is a whole different story i am not about to get into.. but there was this one house, i would have sold everything i own to have this house. it was on a huge piece of land, an old stone house with a huge porch and was decorated very classy for christmas and it had the last slivers of the orange sunset behind it. gahh, it was like a postcard. so beautiful.

anyways, i just want to take everything one day at a time. make the right decisions for me at the time and try to make them be the decisions that make me happy. cause i mean, in reality that is all we all want. to be happy...

willy

2011-12-06T23:36:00.002-05:00

i also wanted to write another post because today is one of my best friends birthdays. he is 24 today. he held my hand when i cried in 2nd grade at his party when fruit punch got spilled on me, he was the first boy i fell for, he talked me through some really rough times at our 2am aol im convos, he promised me things would be okay when i hated arizona, he told me every boy i date better meet his standards and he did it all with the biggest smile on his face and the most amazing heart of any boy i've ever known. will, i hope today is a good birthday. i hope you are laughing and remembering all the good times. i miss you with all of my heart every single day. here's to you and being the best person i may have ever known. i hope i get to see you tonight in my dreams, come visit me soon babe, it's been too long...

i am starting to forget his voice. i don't remember his laugh. i haven't seen him in my dreams for months. all i want is to see him again, to remember his laugh or his voice. i feel like i am losing him. i don't feel him around me anymore. it is the worst feeling i can think of. i wish he was here to talk to about life, and to see what amazing things he would be doing with his life. i wish this got easier, but it doesn't and it still hurts. every day.

and i go back to december...

2011-12-06T13:45:00.004-05:00

it has been a while since i've sat down to write in here. i feel like it was another life actually. not that i have been busy, but i just feel like writing about things make them a reality sometimes. not that it is a bad thing, just i am trying to avoid my real life at the moment seeing as it is me doing a whole lot of nothing and avoiding my life...but i will get to that in a little bit i am sure.

sometimes i have a hard time to get out what i wanna talk about, but to be honest this is one of the only things i have to vent about life and it seems crazy as it is just a blank page when i begin, but being able to look back on so many things in my life a few years later is awesome. to remember the exact feeling i had during something or to have a place to remember something i forgot about.

so a brief bit about my life now...

alabama: i finished up the semester on a good note, a really good note. the last 2 weeks we had a 4 day and then a 5 day group and i absolutely loved my 5 day group. they were rough the first day, just really talkative and everything but i really did have a great 5 days with them and i was so happy to end on them and not a terrible group. the 13 6th graders were a blast and we laughed a larger portion of our time together than me being angry at them, which was a plus. it was weird packing up and leaving bama cause who knows when i will be back and when i will see all my friends from alabama. but i really did enjoy my last week there. which is a positive thing because of how shitty some parts of the semester were. but it always sucks to say goodbye. our last 24 hours was a blast, as always with nc staff, we go big or go home. literally...we got out of work at about 4 and then we had to clean our house, which took years, and pack. which included me and julia blasting some justin timberlake and other great music as we were packing, and then sus and lar took everyone out to dinner, which was amazing cause we went to wildflower :) YUM. best food i ate in alabama for sure! and then we went to adams and we had a lovely going away party time. then me and julia had a lovely adventure trying to get her car jumped because her battery died. and then we headed to birmingham cause i flew outta there. we obviously stopped 2 times in the 2 hour trip though...i am gonna miss car rides with her and just chats about life. but i know i am gonna see her again, no doubts there. i got to the airport 4 hours early, wooo. got to sit in the airport and then my flight was late and had to run through the airport to get my next flight in charlotte. eek. it was crazy. but gosh, nothing is better than seeing all the lights of nyc from the sky and knowing that you are home. it is probably the best feeling in the world. hands down. i cannot describe to anyone the amazingness of that sight. it takes my breath away every single time. and makes me so happy..

home: well, now that i have been home for a few weeks, already--jeez the time flies for real... it has had ups and downs. sissy wasn't supposed to be home. but she is. she broke herself and had to move home for the next monthish or so, which is not the best situation any of us could have asked for. it is nice to see her, but we haven't done much and we don't get along very well, but you just need to make the best of all situations right? exactly. but me and brother have been hanging out a lot, which is always hilarious. we've been exploring in the woods since it has been ridiculously warm lately--seriously winter where are you? i wanna see me some SNOW. but i love seeing my family, it has been so nice. i really am so blessed to be so close to my aunt and my babies and the rest of my family.

work: eh there is not much to say here. working at camp here and there and making some money wrapping presents for some family, but i have an interview in january for this job i really want doing the same thing that i was doing in alabama. so who knows. fingers crossed :) in the mean time i am looking for some lame job to just keep me busy and i am finally getting my stuff for subbing together, i should have done it this summer, but we all know how i like to procrastinate..

life: in general i have no idea what i am doing or what my plans are, i am kinda going on the fly just trying to figure out what want to do with my life and what my options are. it kind of scares me that i really don't have any plans as of right now and it makes me nervous because i am 24, when am i going to find out what i want to do with my life? i know for sure i want to do something that will make me happy and not a boring desk job, but i am willing to do that if it means money for right now, but i mean, i want to do something that matters. i want to do something that will change lives. i just don't know what that is yet, and i am starting to feel like i never will... but hey, everything works out right?

i saw this quote and feel like it fits perfectly into this new change in my life and the feeling of uncertainty....
side note: also changed everything cause i realllllly got bored and needed something new :)
”If you’re feeling frightened about what comes next, don’t be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness, don’t waste time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; because you’ll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart… where your hope lives. You’ll find your way again.”

struggling

2011-11-14T22:44:00.003-05:00

4 more days. that is it. and then i am done. but here i sit legitimately struggling to keep the pieces together. i am laying in my bed and i don't know how i am going to make it the next few days. i know that seems insane. four more days is legitimately nothing but this group is absolutely terrible and i am with them all week. management wise things are the worst they have been i feel like and i am just tired of feeling like i am being tossed around. i just want to cry. i have to leave this place, it brings me down, it brings out the worst in me. it makes me angry. so unbelievably angry actually. i feel like i have panic attacks during work because i dont know the answers to what i am doing next sometimes. i feel like i am having one right now just thinking of how angry this job makes me. i love actually doing what i do, but the behind the scenes thing are so ridiculous. i just want to cry. i want to be able to just break down. i know that seems dumb, but i have so many emotions about it being the last week and moving back home that i don't know how to deal with it. i feel like i am struggling to keep myself together. i want to be able to talk about how excellent my life is again. i want to smile all the time. i want to be as happy as i am during the summers. i NEED to find something that makes me that happy, but i am just so unsure as to how to do that. i think that is what is really making this week seem like it is going to be terrible. i just i dont know if i have a full four days left in me....

two weeks

2011-11-04T23:56:00.001-04:00

there are two weeks until i leave alabama for a long time. hopefully i know what i am doing.. but before i go we are going to see josh this weekend!!! i am SO excited! i miss him here so much. and since nola didnt work out so well i just feel like this is the perfect way to end the trip down here.

in other news. i still feel like i have no idea what i am doing with my life. but who cares, right? ha cause i sure as heck dont. but what are ya gonna do?

i am happy [at least i think so] with the decision i have made not to come back. i just hope that home isn't a disappointment like it has been before. i hope that things with me and tommy talking keep up so at least i have him back home. i am just scared that i am chasing this dream of what i want nj to be like.. who knows..

so here's to the next 2 weeks and to thanksgiving in sc with the fam. i am sure i will have a lot to say about that afterwards...

rough day

2011-10-21T23:20:00.001-04:00

do you ever have a day where you seem to just be messing up left and right and nothing you do seems to be working out? i feel like i have had a long sting of those days all tied into a terribly long week at work. i am just exhausted from work i think. but i am also just tired of not having things work out for me and i dont know how to make them better. i hate feeling like i am constantly making mistakes with situations/people but i dont know what to do anymore. i am tired of feeling like this and i dont know how to make them better. so i think i am just going to stop trying so hard and worrying...

jth

2011-10-19T23:33:00.003-04:00

well, october 19th, we meet again. it seems insane that it has been over 5 years since i have talked to james and 5 years since he has been around. it seems almost impossible that it happened that long ago. but i guess the time just seems to fly by sometimes. i miss him. i wonder what he would be doing with his life and where he would be... i am just lucky to have an angel watching over me. missing you all the time james.

life updates.

2011-10-16T23:32:00.003-04:00

life is pretty weird these days. it goes from super happy to okay to tired to feeling great. i know it is because work is super crazy these days and i am busy even when i am not working looking for a new job and trying to figure out life, but i am pluggin and chuggin and trying to enjoy every bit of my time down south before i head back home for who knows how long...
my plans are to move back home come thanksgiving and hopefully find a waitressing job or something, maybe retail, i dont know just yet, but then come spring i will hopefully be working the same type of job as here, just super close to home and then camp in the summer. the good thing about the program up there is there is a fall, WINTER, and spring as opposed to just fall and spring which is here. PLUS it is about 20 minutes from home :) but i am also contemplating going back to school to get all my teaching stuff since essentially that is what i want to do. i am also going to apply to be a sub in case this job thing doesnt work out, which fingers crossed it does cause i want it pretty bad. anyways, i am looking forward to being back home and closer to the family and my friends. i really miss them and feel so far away sometimes that it hurts. but i am enjoying myself down here more and more. we had a REALLY good group last week and it made me remember why i love it here and why i love this job. this week should be easy, hopefully anyways.
my birthday is in about 2 weeks, 24 seems like such a big number and it makes me feel so old. one more year until i am 25. gross. but i am excited for my birthday because if all works out as planned, i am going to new orleans with julia friday-sunday and then sunday-monday we are going to panama city, fl cause that is where she lives and i am SO excited! i am gonna see kelly and molly who live in nola and it should be a lot of fun. i am just ready to get away from nc for a bit. i feel trapped here sometimes.
i am also beyond excited about going to see sissy in charleston! i have never been and i am leaving from here and going there and ahhhh i am so excited! i cant wait to be able to wear girly clothes again and do my hair. and i wanna get my nails done and just sleep and not go to work. i have 3 days there before our parents come down and i plan on exploring a little bit. woo. and then obviously exploring once my parents are there and hopefully i will see my friend danielle who i havent seen since summer of sophomore/junior year of hs and who knows. i am just excited :)
now it is bedtime. night and maybe soon i will post about some exciting things i have been thinking of/doing :)

jersey girl.

2011-10-10T20:57:00.000-04:00

"The Jersey girl..a love of an unpretentious good time, and a certain sense of style. Jersey girls are about attitude. They're about eating pizza, drinking beer, having great hair - and enjoying it all..She's got a mouth on her. She says what she means. And she's got a nice, cheerful laugh..*Bottom line, all of them are sexy as hell." The Star Ledger

i could not be happier to be a jersey girl. i wouldn't change it for the world. I cannot wait to get home <3

sweet home?

2011-10-03T23:28:00.003-04:00

so things in alabama are going pretty well. the groups we've had so far have been rather interesting so far. i mean, dont get me wrong i am having a pretty good time, but it isn't measuring up to the expectations i had i guess. i really had a high expectation here coming into everything but it is not what i was expecting. i did go white water rafting with the staff as well as going camping with the staff. this weekend we all went to the fair in town too, which was amazing and super fun. but i am just not feeling the job i guess is what it comes down to.

i miss people from home and i am camp sick, which isn't anything new. i always am this time of year, but this year it is just different. i mean, i just feel a lot more lost than i ever was i guess. which scares me a little bit i guess, i feel like i am missing out on a lot from home because i am so far. i just feel like i make these amazing relationships and then summer is over and i am left alone again. i miss beaks a lot, we got so close this summer, even more than i was expecting to, and being able to only talk to her on the weekends is rough. i dkk. i am just excited to get a real job and be closer to home :) i think i am just ready to really start my life as a "grown up" again.

but for now i need to go to bed and hopefully get a good night of sleep, which i haven't had in a while. so hopefully i will be able to sleep :)

summer and bama

2011-09-12T19:01:00.004-04:00

So I am writing from Alabama and it seems weird being back here but also oddly comforting at the same time. It is one of those places that just sucks you in and you feel like you have never left and that you have been here forever. I love the way that it is so easy to fall back into some places. Even though there are some new places there are still the same crazy antics on the weekends and the same scents that make being here feel like a little piece of home… it just amazes me that I can feel so at home in two places that seem worlds away. And I wish that I could make sense of the comfort I feel in each place and make it easier to try to analyze what makes sense in my head and why right now even though I feel so comfortable I feel like something is missing. And it is weird being here without yoshi being here that is for sure. He was my stability last semester and just understood so many things without even having to explain it…and I am so happy he has this awesome job in tn but I miss him here making things a little bit easier.. but oh well, that is my life-meeting amazing people and losing them a short time later. But more about Alabama and a little about this summer…

Amazing is the only word I feel like describes my summer. I went into this summer with so many hesitations and concerns and I ended my summer on such a positive note and feeling like those worries were ridiculous. I mean, in reality they were, but change is something that I face so often you would think I would be awesome at it, instead it is something I have come to fear-I think because I am in constant change and it is starting to scare me how nothing in my life is very stable. But starting off the summer in fear that neither of my stone pillars were going to be at camp for the full summer/at all was the one thing I think I was most afraid of. Turns out beaks worked at camp all summer and it was the best thing I could have asked for. Things with her are just easy and honestly, I don’t know what I would have done without her on the certain days that she just knew I needed a drive around the lake or to just have a hug [even though she is not the huggy type..] then there was the people who I was surprised to see at camp, ryy and brisca. It amazes me how sometimes you never ever skip a beat with people no matter the time in between seeing or talking to them, it is like there is the bond that no matter what, the time in between doesn’t matter and you can just be yourself and comfortable with them. I had so much fun with the two of them at camp. Ryann was at camp for session1 and we lived together-wtfff haha best thing ever. And brisca was there 4/5 and it was just amazing. I loved being able to have another support around and just being able to have an old friend who was able to come back home and enjoy everything camp has to offer without skipping a beat. It makes it easier for me to think about a time when I might not be able to come back and how easy it will be to hopefully jump back in for a week here or there… and I mean, this summer in general program wise for me was a complete joke, but I took it and went with it. It was: 1&2 middies 3-younger girl creation [aka stb because it was aca week and I was in creation a total of 30 minutes the whole week] 4-beach party 5-younger girl horseback riding [aka help sga canoe with their trip/die at the stables] and 6-mini camp/skytop all in all an interesting pick of programs to say the least, but I guess I just don’t care anymore about programs and was happy with living with friends and just not letting that stuff bother me.
Then there were the nights off and weekends and just hanging out and time with friends. And snuggling. My nights off this year were in all a blast. I don’t remember what I did the first week but 3-6 were filled with bar times and good dinners and just I dk it was fun. And weekends, well two of them were spent on eric’s boat which turned into drunken days and even drunker nights, including one where at dinner I spit all over eric brisca and beaks. Haha, classy I know. And just so much fun. I lost a lot of things this summer on those nights too and woke up never in my own bed…but I wouldn’t change any of those nights at camp.
Before the summer even started me and allie and mips went to booms a lot and we met some guys from around camp and we had a lot of fun. It was an interesting start to the summer especially when we found out a 23 year old boy was going to work at camp as the cook. Turns out, our new friends and him were besties. Haha, good joke for me it turns out. But anyways, I from the beginning was against being friends with him, with my history of boys at camp I didn’t want to start anything/any drama..well, what do you know-new boy that works at camp turned out to be probably the best person I met all summer. I am not going to lie, meeting eric and becoming friends with him made the summer so much better. He was just a great friend to have all summer and we will see where else that leads… but he was able to put up with all our stupid craziness and still wanted to hang out with us, so I couldn’t ask for much else..haha and he dealt with my stupidity while at booms, which lets face it I was a hot mess this summer…
Anyways, then there was the awkward times of your former campers being on staff and I mean, it usually wasn’t much of a problem because I am never super close with my campers but last year I got really close with 2 of my campers on middies and I knew they were going to be hired before they even did and I was super nervous going into the summer because I remember how much I wanted to be able to break that weird camper/counselor line and become “friends” with my former counselors. So I was just nervous for a lot of different reasons, but surprisingly enough and I was super thankful as well, but aside from a few rough patches, things went super smooth and I couldn’t have asked for 2 better friends. I guess I was so nervous because I know that they needed someone and I wanted to be able to be there for them without being seen as a boss type figure if that makes sense..and that transition from camper to counselor itself is a rough one and I just couldn’t be happier with the way things unfolded.
Leaving this summer was super awkward because of course I am sad to leave the one place I truly feel like I can be myself and have these people who will do anything for me, but it was just weird to say goodbye to some of these people. not to say that it isn’t always like that, but just because I felt like some of these relationships aren’t going to be the same once I spend the next 3 months in Alabama and then move back home. Not to sound skeptical, but I am just nervous that things will pan out like they did last year with T. and I think I am just afraid of getting hurt and losing people I care about. Not to say I think that I don’t have strong relationships with them, but just because I don’t want to lose these important people again. And this having no cell service and now no internet is not helping any. [I am so bored that I have decided to word document write this and will post it when the internet comes back!] I just feel beyond isolated sometimes here and it is hard…
Anyways, I am heading to bed because training is bright and early tomorrow and we are hiking to the falls. There is so much more I want to write about the summer, it just becomes so hard to put it all into words sometimes..

me and beaks <3

me and macie

me cor and ry

waaaa

2011-09-04T23:42:00.002-04:00

i leave in the morning for alabama. i havent been on here one time this summer, aside from my minor freak out before my trip, which is a great indication of how much i enjoyed my summer. (no venting and complaining! woo) and i was too busy to actually sit on my computer for longer than 2 minutes. :)
i have SOOO much to write in here, i cannot wait to get it all down so that way i can try and figure out some of these emotions i am feeling at the moment, but i need to go to bed so that when i wake up at 5am i am not a complete grump.
my emotions towards going to bama are blahh, but i dont know if that is because i dont want camp to be over or because i am just not interested in being back there. but i guess only time will tell, but i am going to make the best out of alabama and i am not going to let things back in nj ruin my time there.
all i can say is that this summer was a summer of crazy drunken nights and amazing times, with some classic pictures to show for and some great memories :) oh, and it was filled with more snuggling and hugs than i could have ever imagined!

here we go..

2011-07-17T17:17:00.002-04:00

well, here goes nothing. we leave at 6:15 tomorrow morning for our trip down the river, 14 girls [aged 13-15] a 17year old jc and an international. woo. trip number 5 for running the show, trip 7 in total...please dont let me down!
i have never been so nervous about a trip before, and i dont know if it is because i am nervous about it because the girls are so little this year or if it is because i am just having a bad gut feeling to it, either way i need to not be so nervous. i am excited to be on the river and am a little less stressed now that things are almost all packed.
i had an amazing saturday though yesterday! i really really loved hanging out with eric mips olive and beaks. it was legitimately one of the funnest saturdays and super relaxing. we went to the mall and then we went out on erics boat on the little swartswood and then we went to the bar. the last part i could have done without but the first bit of the day was super enjoyable! i am just really happy at camp right now and i am happy with the people who work here and i am just really feeling lucky to have this job.
i am so tired though and i need to wake up at 4am. woof. so, here is to a good trip!

july?

2011-07-09T17:26:00.002-04:00

where is time going? i cannot believe it is alreadt july 9th and tomorrow is the first day of camp! it is so weird. pre camp has gone semi good. i am just beyond exhausted. the 5th was two years since Will died and it was just a super emotionally tiring day. i really feel like sometimes it was yesterday and then other times it feel like years upon years since he has been gone. the staff is amazing at camp, everyone really seems to be jelling well and it makes me happy. i am still a little unsure as of my position this summer, but what else is new.. there are so many new things at camp: we have 2 cooks, 16 first years, 15 internationals, and just so much change! like there wont be all camp cookouts bc there are two cooks. one of the cooks is super fun, he is 23 and from here..he went to kitt. hs and he hangs out with us. the last 3 fridays a bunch of us have gone to boomies which, lets be honest, is always an exciting night. there are about 15 people over 21 on staff, which is awesome. so having someone to go out with is never going to be a problem i feel. haha. middies is this week and i am super excited for it, but nervous as well...here is to a good 2 weeks!

june already?

2011-06-01T10:31:00.002-04:00

Happy June everyone!

Where to even being on this ridiculous life I am leading…
Well, I am finally back in nj after a crazy and unforgettable 3 months in Bama! I have loved every single minute of it, including the moments when all I wanted to do was crawl into a ball and cry. But it all evened out and legitimately the last 3 weeks were probably my favorite. I made friends I know I will have for a while and I am beyond excited about going back down there in September for the fall semester :] what else…oh- I finally got my car back from the shop, only $900 later… but while I was down in Virginia I got into an accident with myself and a ditch when I was trying to avoid hitting an animal. COOL. And my car pretty much doesn’t work. It is currently in Virginia and I am in nj. I had to rent a car to get home and if you couldn’t already guess, my father did not handle this well…and by not handling it well I mean, he told me to find my own way home because he was not coming to get me and he wasn’t going to let my mom come get me. Super. So I handled it and got home. But now I will have to drive back to va and get my car when it is done being fixed. SUPER.
I am so excited for camp this summer. I need to be in the only place where I feel like I belong. I need it. And I like to think it needs me, but I will be realistic and know that it doesn’t need me the way I need it. Haha. Anyways, I am the head ul this summer…I am not entirely positive what I am doing in terms of being more adminny BUT regardless of that, I am beyond excited!
So I really thought that I was ok after the whole tornado thing. Like I was impressed at how I was handling everything….turns out that I really just didn’t think about it at work because I really didn’t have the time to deal with it, so of course what happens after I get home? Well, there is a thunderstorm where we have a severe storm warning or whatever, and turns into a tornado warning and the power goes out and during all of this I just lost it. It wasn’t even just you know being scared or anything, it was legitimately not being able to breathe and just tears streaming down my face and it was probably one of the worst things ever. I thought I was going to die. Especially when the power went out. So clearly I had no time to really deal with it/ this was the first and second storms I have encountered since the tornadoes and it just was really hard to deal with. I hope it was a two time deal and that it stops because I cant deal with that this summer.
well, now i need to go make an appointment to get my hair back to the right color aka blonde with a little bit of maybe some reddish highlights? hmm we will see... and to go call and see about my car. fingers crossed that everything works out well....

tornadoes.

2011-04-30T14:04:00.002-04:00

this is so surreal. these images and seeing this in real life. these tornadoes were insane. i am so unbelievably blessed and have some angels looking over me...
please keep the people of alabama/georgia in your thoughts and prayers...
we need it right now.

ps and nola

2011-03-27T21:08:00.003-04:00

i absolutely hate this this post secret is so incredibly true. i wanna be in love again. and it makes me sad that i had it and lost it. but i am completely ready for it to happen again...and i hope that it will soon.

i guess i just really miss having that one person to kind of have there no matter what, to call and tell about something stupid or when i am bored..and to have something to really look forward to.

also, i have decided i am not going to new orleans right now. i will move there before i am 30. i promise myself i will. but i just can't right now, i need to kind of focus on finances and figuring out what i want to do career wise and maybe look into grad school[?] YUCK [but lets be serious, i am really interested in owning a camp/possibly going to school for something to help me with that..] or maybe go and get my education crap so that is a possibility. but i just don't think new orleans is in the cards for right now. plus, i am a big believer in signs and that was just a slap in the face sign that i should not go to new orleans... so i am okay with that, and i think i am okay with that. plus i think that if it was meant to be i would have gotten the job in december instead of being wait-listed...

so here is to semi figuring out my life and being okay with knowing that i will not be in nola come july...and to opening my heart to whatever comes my way in the next few months...

also, we are getting a new girl on wednesday cause yoshi [josh] is leaving the end of april cause he got a real job..so i am super excited to have a new friend! woo.

fun fact-i really miss my friends from college! i kinda wish i was a bit closer so i could see them all again, but i am thinking about possibly going to stop at beach week so that i can see them? but i dk because it all depends on what merlin decides to do..anyways-i wont be around until wednesday cause our kids come mon-wed this week, so i am hoping for a good 3 days with the chillenssss. [and some warmer weather!!]

mississippi/new stuff!

2011-03-22T14:24:00.000-04:00

wooo, made a new picture on lunch break today :) check it out! also...

oh hello from meridian, mississippi...yup, what i am doing here i couldn't tell you other than it is 4 hours from mentone and 2 hours from nola... SUPER. i was on my way to nola on friday and well, turns out that my car decided i was not meant to go to nola...and my transmission breaks. after crying hysterically on the side of the road as i was in literally the middle of no where ms. i decided to keep going until i found civilization and landed in meridian, ms which according to wikipedia is the 6th largest city in mississippi. fun fact.
so saturday i spent the entire day and about $500 in trying to fix my car to get about 15 miles away and have the SAME thing happen, not once but twice. SUPER. so i am stuck here until tomorrow morning...when luckily the service shops will open and i will be able to have someone try to fix my poor little merlin baby car :(
thank goodness my sister is in birmingham, al for work thurs-tues. and she actually finishes work today, and was going to be hanging out in birmingham, but since i currently have no way to get anywhere, she is going to get a car and come get me and bring me back to mentone. thank goodness....mississippi is an interesting place, but i am so frustrated/convinced that it was a sign that i should not move to nola, which makes me sad, but i am ok with that..it is just not the time. maybe i wasn't ready for it, regardless, i am shit outta luck because i have no money and bern and my dad think it is the transmission, and being that my car is 7 years old, and has 83,000 miles on it, the value of it and the cost of a new transmission makes this a hard call.... WOOOOOF. so i am looking at cars as well as trying to figure out how much my car is worth. aka, this all sucks a lot.

work is great, i am really loving it a lot. i could not be happier at all with this job/the people i work with...they are fabulous and work is great and it is getting super warm and lovely out and i am just a happy person in alabama. :)

week 2!

2011-03-06T12:49:00.001-05:00

i swear this is a whole different world down here! sometimes we go to the store or something and i feel like i should have used a passport to come here! it is ridiculous...but i LOVE it.

so the actual work thing: we have just been training a lot, there are about 25 classes to learn such as candles-how to make candles, geodome-how to make a sound structure using rope and sticks, fire-how to make a fire [we, as teachers, need to use flint to make them!] and a lot more.. then we need to learn all the trails and everything here, they often intersect and are not marked because of another aspect here: Leave no trace. LNT is a great thing that i have never heard of but am starting to feel very strongly about. it is a program that focuses on making your impression in the woods as little as possible...we do things around camp to enforce it and i think it is just great. we are also doing something at meals which we call "ort" organic recyclable trash aka i pound of ort can feel 4 people in other countries. so, at meals we challenge the students to not take as much food and if their school can be "ortless" they win a paper plate on the ceiling. which i think is also a great tool to teach people about how much food they should take. anyways, we also trained on the high ropes course, which was absolutely terrifying and challenging for me! it was split up into 3 days, day 1-belaying and the climbing wall. day 2- burma bridge, catwalk and the v-swing. day 3-the zip line. so why was this challenging for me? well, i never do high ropes, and not only did i have to do them, but i also had to be trained in how to run them. and the toughest part was getting over my fear of hurting my knee as i climbed the 35 feet up a tree to the zip line...it was walking up towards the platform that i thought i was going to quit my job. haha. we climbed up the staples in the tree and it was just scary. womp womp. haha, but i did it 4 times and each time it was a little bit easier, but still horribly scary. also, actually sending someone off the zipline the first time was a little nerve wrecking BUT i did it 4 times and i feel so accomplished!

i do really like it here. it is super relaxed and i feel very much so in my comfort level. i feel like i have a lot to learn, but that i am also able to contribute a lot as well, which makes me feel better about myself and my abilities to be able to do this job.

on a side note, i got a voice mail on monday after a VERY long day of work and it was from city year. and I GOT THE JOB. bahhh. so basically, i am so confused on what to do with my life after may! this job finishes on may 20 and i am going home after..but then if i take the cy job i will be moving to nola in JULY! which is absolutely amazing...but then i have so many fears/questions/issues both emotionally and economically. see, this job i have now, although it is amazing, i do not get paid a lot, but i dont have to pay for a place to live or for food...also, if i take the job next year, i get a $5 pay increase/day and then a $200 bonus if i decide before the end of the semester if i want to come back. also, at this point i am fairly certain i will be an assistant director this summer at camp, not to mention that i make money on the weekends and then family camp. so i feel pretty stable in being able to say that i would be able to pay the bills and everything until at least December if i want to go that way. but then, if i decide to work in nola, i get paid less than i do here, and have to get an apartment and buy food and wont be able to work at camp/have that extra stability there money wise. [i rarely spend my summer camp money, i spend maybe $30 a week and that is money i usually take from lifeguarding in may/june] so i just feel like i am going to be economically living pay check to pay check and barely being able to get by... BUT i also feel like if i do not take this job it will be something i regret for the rest of my life. for the past 2 years i have felt very strong about a-wanting to move to new orleans and b-trying to work in a situation like that. SO that is my dilema....

and in reality i know i am most likely not going to be able to afford going to new orleans and it legitimately is breaking my heart because it is honestly something i feel so strongly about. i wish more than anything that i would be able to afford it, or that money was not an option...

greetings from alabama

2011-02-26T20:54:00.001-05:00

I feel like I have been down here forever already, in a good way! the drive here was pretty interesting, i left virginia incredibly early and made my way down here, made loads of stops along the way and finally made it to Alabama around 2 and it was gorgeous out. I felt like as soon as I made it to the boarder of Alabama and Georgia, it was instantly sunny and about 70 out :) I am living in a staff cabin with 4 other girls, 2 other new girls and 2 returning staff. the girls are all really cool, this girl Julia [from florida] and I seemed to hit it off right away and she is my new bud. there is a girl Krista [from north carolina] who is also new, and the 3 of us share a bathroom, but we all have our own rooms :) and then Cody [from Virginia] and Ruby [from Tenn] are the 2 returning staff. our building has a kitchen, 2 computers, a tv/dvd/wii, kitchen and table, 2 couches and lots of space for us to hang out. It is super nice living here because the 3 boys, Josh [tenn] Daniel [tenn] and Zach [georgia] live in their own cabins, and I am pretty sure i would HATE that! then Adam, my boss, and Kim, the lead teacher live off site. But we all get along really really well and I really like spending time with them tus far, we have also spent every waking hour together so far, which is nice.
so, tuesday we didn't really do anything, walked around the camp and played frisbee and just hung out. wednesday training started, we have training until March 10, seems like forever, but it is much needed. there are 25 different classes that we need to know how to teach, along with all the different trails and just all the procedures. I feel like I am already learning so so much though. I learned how to tie about a zillion different knots, we hiked to split rock, which is just 2 rocks which made a cave like place that you crawl through and then come out this smallish hole and get pulled through, and this is a very popular thing the students sign up to do and we had to learn how to pull and guide the kids and it was a fun experience. So far, my favorite thing I have done is probably split rock because I had to challenge myself to actually go into this tiny/dark cave. I am also loving all the games we are learning to do.
We went out into "town" which is fort payne, al on thursday night to wal mart, i needed to get an alarm clock and some granola bars and such, but WOW it is an experience here! the wal mart is enormous and just the people are so incredibly interesting. alabama is a good place to people watch. i pretty much was in culture shock i think! the worst part is having no cell phone service. I forgot how much i relied on my phone! it is frustrating because i just feel like i am so disconnected from everyone, but i almost like it because i don't even think about it when we are working.
i am super excited to explore this weekend! we are going to go to a flea market to get some cheap things for our rooms and to just explore a little bit. we are also going back to wal mart and then maybe over to desoto falls, which is a state park not far from camp, we can hike there, which is going to be so nice once it gets a little warmer out.

oh jeez.

2011-02-15T17:44:00.001-05:00

what have i gotten myself into?
i seem to remember packing up and leaving so much easier the last 4-5 times that i did it. this time it is like heart pounding terrifying and just i don't know. i guess i had a huge support the last time i did this with ryan being there for me every single step of the way whether it was going to NAU or Wales or RMC or where ever it was. but this time i feel like i am so alone in this, and i know i am not. i have even more support from my parents and my friends, but i just feel alone.
i guess it is crazy, maybe the valentines day and being alone thing got me going or maybe i just realized that this adventure is one he doesn't know about or one that is completely 100% for me, but it is scarier. i am scared. but in a good way.
this will be good for me. this is what i need to prove to myself that i don't need anyone but myself. because i don't. i love that i can do whatever i want and go wherever i want, i just feel so lost and i am hoping that this kinda helps me find my way in life a little bit. teaches me about myself, adapting to new people and new places.
i have done this a million times i feel like, picked up and left. i am good at that, it is just getting the courage to actually get up and go that seems to scare me.
plus, i hate packing so i am avoiding that at legitimately all costs.
this is going to be a great adventure and hopefully a job that once again i am good at, but i just need the extra nudge that ryan would give me to get my sorry self up and out the house and the comfort to know that if i mess up someone would be there to come pick up the pieces. i think i am just scared that no one is going to be there if it all falls apart because alabama is such a new and different place, but hey--i am pretty good at meeting new people, right? so this should be a breeze....

here is to alabama and new beginnings...

sweet home alabama?

2011-02-15T00:22:00.000-05:00

so i got a job, in Alabama. yup, in good old Alabama. in the Alabama that is 830 miles and 13.5 hours from my house. I need to be there by Feb 22.

crazy considering i only knew about this job a week and a day ago. i am going to be working at an outdoor education camp as a "teacher" so basically when schools go on class trips to camps [mainly 4-7th graders] i am going to be the one taking them on hikes and teaching them about the outdoors and leadership and everything.

CRAZY.

but i am SO incredibly ready for this new adventure to begin. and even more nervous for it to begin.

i am ready to call my home Alabama for a little bit :)

lifeee.

2011-01-21T00:21:00.002-05:00

So..
i have realized that my last post or two have been incredibly down in the dumps, and i am not very upset at all...
i am actually fairly content right now. although i have no job, am living at home, and don't really have many friends around here, i am happy because i am still lucky. i have a great family who is driving be crazy, but i am lucky that i am allowed to live here, i am working a little bit at camp, so i am still making money, and i really needed a time to relax and try and get my life in order.

i cannot believe it is jan 21st! time is just literally flying by. sissy is getting back from europe saturday just in time to start a job where she gets to travel around the country, I AM SO JEALOUS. i don't really know exactly what she is doing, BUT she gets to go to texas, washington state, alabama, and california, all places i want to go to. and i was just talking to someone about how i REALLY want to travel again. i really want to just go to a new place right now. oh well though, i will be able to soon, i hope so.

i really miss summer. the weather has been terrible lately and i just really really want for the snow to stop. it is supposed to be a low of 5 on saturday. WHATTT helllllooo i live in NJ not wisconsin! waaa.

anyways, i am hopefully going to sleep for the whole night, i haven't been able to lately at all between the coughing thing and just not so good dreams. oh well. night!

just a dream..

2011-01-18T00:34:00.002-05:00

for some reason i decided to look back and see what i was doing a year ago on this blog. happens to be that i wrote an entry about people and natural disasters and other things. but then i read the one before and it was all about my winter break, which i wish i didn't read, but i can't erase my past. no one can. and i don't think i would want to, it is just that sometimes i feel like it was only just a dream and it wasn't my real life.
i love looking back and reminiscing. i am a firm believer that you learn from your past and that everything you go through makes you a stronger person and helps you for something you will come across in your future. and i have come to terms with everything that has happened for the most part.
this is going to sound so incredibly stupid, but i am able to live again, go day to day without thinking about him and blaming myself, without feeling completely alone [for the most part] and without wondering what i could have done differently. am i saying i never think about him? no. i do, but it doesn't hurt as bad. it doesn't make me break down. i realized i have dreams still and i am a completely capable person on my own. i realized it is possible that another guy can make me laugh and make me feel special and that i am able to do things in order to make me happy.
but reading that entry just brought everything back to the surface, and i guess it was so hard with the holidays and not seeing him or his family, who were my family for the last 4 years. and i think that i realized that i may never be in that situation again where they will be in my life, and that hurts, but i am going to be okay, i have made it this far and have gotten through things on my own.
i will be ok, even though it still feels like this is all a bad dream, i will be ok. i mean, i am always ok, right?

in other news...
i have been working at camp this weekend and sometimes that place just comes alive with magic and it stuns me how easily i forget about the magic there... i got to see some of my favorites from the summer, they are all applying, which is so exciting for them. but it makes me feel so old! and i had a very fun time with mips and the boss lady :)

i was talking to someone this weekend and it amazed me how much i realized she reminded me of me. except i was a little bit older than she was, but the stuff she is going through and the things she told me, just really stunned me. she would tell me something and i wanted to tell her that i feel like we went through the same stuff. but it is just funny because i started thinking about the people who were there for me then, and how they are barely in my life now. it makes me sad. in a lot of ways. makes me wonder if i just grew out of needing them, or if my constant complaints drove them away..and i wonder if they still care about me and think about how i am doing as much as i think about them. sometimes i think i owe some of them my life because there were days that i don't think i would have made it without them...

i also noticed lately that people from lots of cool places, including nj have been reading! i wish i could be more interesting, but i can't but leave a fun note even if i don't know you cause i am always looking for a new blog to read!

heyy january!

2011-01-13T11:38:00.002-05:00

how is it already january 13th?! so crazy how fast time is going!
happy new year! woo, 2011. jeez, i remember being so excited for 2000, and here we are 11 years later. man, sometimes i feel so old! so new years was fun, went to providence to see devon and dan :) had a nice new years eve. we stayed in and played board games and then the next day we went to newport and had a fabulous day. we went to the mansions and had a nice dinner :) and then went back home and watched Black Swan, sooo good! i just love the 2 of them, and it was so good to see them and spend time with them!
so after new years, i got an email through the nanny website and this lady, who lives locally, has 4 kids and wanted me to come interview to be a nanny, so i met with her on thursday and it went well, i am just waiting to hear back from her...so keep your fingers crossed for me!
i also saw my 2 best friends last weeeek! i saw meg on wednesday and then meg and elaina on thursday. it was so great to just be with them again, jeez it had been since october, that was rough. haha. but i just forget how easy and fun things are when we are together :) i cannot believe elaina moved to pa with the bf though. makes growing up seem super real i guess...YUCK. i hate this growing up stuff!
my sister went to europe again. she is there til the end of the month i think? i am not too sure, but the house is SUPER quiet now. haha. she went to zurich, budapest, prague and i think she is going to amsterdam and ireland and somewhere else, but i don't remember. basically, i am beyond jealous because i would do anything to be back in europe at the moment! i miss my buddy and kp SO much :(
what else is new.. hmm. i am working at camp. i work a bit on saturday and then all day tuesday and now i am working fri-monday this weekend.
well, life is really incredibly boring, just looking for jobs and applying to jobs. incredibly boring stufff....

funny the way it is..

2010-12-31T09:35:00.002-05:00

i cannot believe that 2010 is over, it completely blows my mind. this was one of the hardest years probably emotionally i have ever been through. well, collectively i would say june 09-june10 was the worst year of my life for many reasons, but 2010 as a whole just sucked. i really thought my life was going to change in so many ways in 2010 and it is funny because here it is, dec 31, 2010 and i feel so completely trapped in this life i am in, and i just need to find that door to open that leads me to something different and something meaningful, but until then, i will get through everything one day at a time, so recap on 2010:

started out with some of my favorite people, jasper cory ryan and brady being very drunk. went back to school in january, ryan visited me at school, a crazy spring semester, lots of health problems with my asthma, black and white party, getting very close to jamie and jessie and just actually loving life, spring break at home, spending a bit of time at camp over break, me and ryan breaking up and literally feeling my life fall apart, friends literally pulling me through the end of spring semester, me and kp becoming closer friends than ever and in may she came to visit--the shore, sunrise, elaina's house and my breakdown, waterfalls, nyc, and milford! best 9 days of the year possibly! working at the gs council and lifeguarding, hanging out with tim and the boys again, hanging out with tommy and justin, precamp starting and meeting Georgia! [finally!] taking friends to meet the boys and the CRAZIEST night of my life, literally.. haha, feeling the magic that camp has and realizing that i will be okay because of this summer and people there. middies, enl, sailing, sailing, birch hollow craziness, a few crazy drunken nights and bad decisions..haha, FLORIDA :) with the cousins and aunt Dee, and georgia and charlie came too! family camp fun, a trip to boston and providence with roo, dev, dan and georgia, and heading back to school for a long final semester, living with kirstin, monica, and mary, turning 23 and a surprise bday party, applying to jobs, ballerinas for halloween, funny decisions before thanksgiving, thanksgiving and family love, actually upset about leaving school [only because of my friends], completing my 30 page paper, and finishing my final semester of school with the best semester at rmc since i got there, being wait-listed from the dream job, moving back home, christmas and a drew brees jersey :) friends and drinks all week long, and now packing to go to providence, ri.

just crazy, those are the things that stand out in my mind as i think back on the year. but the one thing that truly defined this year was my friends who literally picked me up when i fell apart, who were there for me when i legitimately couldn't speak for 3 days because it hurt to, and the ones who this summer made me realize i would get through whatever life dealt me. they are the reason i can look back on this incredibly difficult year and without a doubt realize that life moves on and doesn't wait around for you to get back on your feet. so thanks to all those people out there who taught me more about myself then they would ever know...

so, here is to a happier, healthier, more adventurous 2011, i hope everyone is safe tonight and that they are able to spend it with people who are important to them.

merry christmas

2010-12-25T08:46:00.001-05:00

“And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ‘til his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.”
Merry Christmas everyone and Happy Holidays :)
I hope it is able to be spent with people you love.

five.

2010-12-21T01:47:00.001-05:00

i think i am just far to emotional to deal with my real life sometimes. i should be happy, but i just keep winding up in the same spot with so many thoughts running through my mind.
i don't want to really talk about anything going on because i am not able to really even begin to talk about my mood/feeling with what they are:
1-i finished college
2-i got "wait-listed" for the only job i was remotely excited for.
3-i moved back home.
4-i was cleaning my room and came across literally a huge pile of "ryan" things.
5-it is christmas and i am with my family and going to see so many friends and i just feel completely alone.

twelve.

2010-12-05T16:21:00.003-05:00

12 days until I officially finish college. 12 days, 7 classes, 4 days of class, 2 sit down exams, 1 drawing. then i will be given the title of college graduate. what does that even mean? does it mean i am smart now? does it mean i can endure more things now? does it mean i will get a job now?

all i know is the 17th is when i find out about getting into city year, finish my last exam, pack up my room, and drive home as a grown up. so here's to the last 12 days of knowing how i am suposed to act and being able to screw up.

good luck on finals week college kids.

eleven.

2010-11-22T00:01:00.002-05:00

hello blog world,
sorry i have been so mia the last eleven days. seems weird because SO much has gone on!
1-i had a job interview
2-i kissed a boy and i like it..
3-i have taken 2 exams and worked on my capstone
4-i went shopping and bought an ADORABLE dress!
5-i ordered super cute cowboy boots!
6-i graduate in less than a month!
7-not really important, but the ama's tonight = loved them!
8-not good-my ipod finally broke!

ok ok, so some is not so important as the others, but i had a job interview! which i think went well. i have another one next week sometime. yayy me. it was a 40 minute phone call with the guy i've talked to a few times before.
and i hung out with some friends this weekend and i was very happy with the outcome :)
and i have about 6 pages front and back of notes, so i just need to type it into some pages. wooo.
and i bought these adorable boots which i cannot wait to get when i go home! and i bought a super cute dress that i plan on wearing when i get my drink on with laur and the boys on wednesday night! {speaking of which, OH MY GOD i cannot wait to see roo and tim and everyone!}
and it is official, the countdown is on!!! 27 days. 10 more DAYS of actual going to class. 2 exams. 1 book report. and 1 25ish page paper stand between me and the rest of my life!
and i absolutely loved jbiebs and usher tonight on the ama's! omg, so adorable!!! i was so glad he won those awards :)
andddd, the bad news-my grandpa ipod finally gave in and had a stroke. haha he only turns on the front screen, so just the apple icon and nothing else happens. we had a good run. i've had him since 2005 i believe, a good solid 5 years. but he had to leave me right before my longest drives of school--thanksgiving weekend. womp womp womppp.

too crazy!

i hope everyone is having a fabulous november, which is almost over, GAH! and that they have an even better thanksgiving :o)
i am so incredibly thankful for my loving dysfunctional supportive crazy family and the most amazing friends anyone could want! i am so lucky.

veterans day.

2010-11-11T23:19:00.004-05:00

this weekend i went to Washington dc when my parents came for a visit. the last time i was there was September, but before then was in 96. so much has changed since then, including me growing up and actually understanding the importance of this city and the monuments and memorials there. well, since tomorrow is veterans day, there was a whole bunch of WWII vets there through some program. they were all wearing red jackets and most were in wheel chairs..and it really hit me when i went to the WWII memorial, which was built in 04 i believe was what i read, and it was just absolutely breath taking...the monument, the beautiful weather and the vets. i wanted to go up and talk to all of them being the history geek i am, but i just smiled at all of them and took a picture for one of them. on all of the backs of their jackets it said "every day is a bonus" and i have been thinking about that ever since Saturday when we were there...

so, thank you to all the people who fight for our freedom.

i thank god for my life
and for the stars and stripes
may freedom forever fly, let it ring
salute the ones who died
the ones that give their lives,
so we don't have to sacrifice
all the things we love.....
-zbb <3

"every day is a bonus"

veteran and the lincoln memorial from the ww2 memorial

vietnam

washington monument

korea

korea

<3

wwII memorial

me and brother

fingers crossed.

2010-11-09T16:23:00.003-05:00

i have finished my application for cityyyear. i am so nervous now it is just a waiting game. both my references told me that they have mailed in the papers they filled out. so just waiting to i guess get a phone call from here. i am SO excited and nervous. this job is exactly what i want and i do not really know what i want to do if i do not get this job, so i am beyond nervous about everything from here. i find out dec 17th about the job either way, so i get to have a phone interview and then i suppose i will find out. it is just crazy i guess to me, being done with school so soon...so fingers crossed i get this job...

i have had dreams about will lately, i love them. i don't ever want them to end. sometimes i wake up and i try to fall right back asleep so i keep having the same dream, i know that is silly...but i dont ever see the end of the dream coming and i never get to say goodbye and i hate that...so i always want to go back and do it. i miss him so so much...

life is just weird lately. not a good weird and not a bad one. i guess i am just trying to figure out how to live again and how to feel things again, i feel like i walked around in a blob this summer and i forgot how great it was to really feel until lately. i just cannot wait to get to the point where i am happy about something and have something great to look forward to again...

birthdayy!

2010-10-30T17:10:00.003-04:00

so if you know me, you know how much i absolutely hate my birthday because bad things always happen, ie:
when i was like, 11 i believe, or 12 my great grandpa was really sick and in the hospital and he died two days after my bday which was just a not so great bday. when i was growing up like, middle school and high school i always had a field hockey game or practice on my bday, which was never ever exciting. and then at 18, pretty much all my friends forgot, except my good friend who drove to my house to take me out for dinner. and then when i turned 19, it was right after James had died and i was so depressed and such that i didn't want to celebrate. and thennnnn 21 i was stuck in a basement for the night, and at the time it was terrible, although looking back now, it was a good bday. and finally, last year at 22 my favorite part of school was taken away from me. pm was killed off campus on my bday, worst bday ever. although after the meeting and hours of tears, it ended semi good because we all hung out and got shitty.

well, 23 was amazing. i couldn't have asked for a better birthday or friends :) wednesday night i drank some wine with mar and mon and kirstin and we had a fun night hanging out. i skipped my 8am class, cause i was not going to be sleepy for bday time. and then went to english, which sucks like always, but then i went dress shopping with mary and jessie. although i don't really think dress shopping was the ideal thing i wanted to do on my bday, it ended up being super fun and i got to spend lots of time and mary and jessie :) then we went to dinner to olivegarden and it was so delicious. and we got back to school and were going to jessie's to grab some wine butttt, NOPE, it was a SURPRISE PARTYYY :) i was so surprised, like no joke. kirstin morgan jessie and mary planned it. there was balloons and cake! and it was just so perfect. madison steph morgan justine erica kaitlin jessie mary jenn kwill and kendall were there and it was just perfect. will and his friends came later. then we went because it was serenades, like out of any night it was the one year anniversary of pm leaving. cool, so we jumped into two cars and drove around to the frats and did a little chant or two and we ended up going to ka and having fun there for the rest of the night. but legitimately it was the best birthday i could have asked for. my goal was to not cry at all, and i didn't. first birthday in at least 2 years there were no tears :) [if not longer, i was always not happy on my bday in az] but it was so perfect.

basically, i have amazing friends here and i love them to bits.

morgan, me, kirstin

me, jessie, mary

all my friends <3 pm

avoiding my paper?

2010-10-26T17:48:00.004-04:00

so i am working on my capstone and i cannot focus. me and kirstin did a 10 minute workout from one of those cheesy workout videos. this one is a 10 minute trainer one. it has total body, abs, cardio, upper body and lower body. all are 10 minutes. we did the abs and cardio one today. i can already feel my muscles hating me for it, in particular, my right leg. i hate knowing that it is weaker than my other leg, and i cannot help by favor it still after all these year, it is really annoying and semi embarrassing. but i never really thought highly of these videos, but let me tell you something- i worked up a sweat and was really exhausted after the cardio one. it really reminded me of the stations we used to complete in field hockey pre seasons. oh i would do anything for a pre season practice right now. i loved the feeling of accomplishment after them, crazy i know because at the time i absolutely hated them, but it is alright because i know how good they were for me now.

i am getting my stuff signed tomorrow for graduation. crazy to think that it is finally time for me to be a grown up, whatever that is. i just have to get my papers signed by my advisor and the chair of the history department. then just work hard to get above a C in all my classes, which should not be this hard, right? right. my application for cityyyear is due november 15 and i need to finish that up this weekend. i am rather excited to just get the interview process over and to find out whether or not i will be moving to new orleans in the summer.

i really miss summer. i have been so busy lately, but last night i was laying in bed before kirstin got into bed and closed the blinds and the moon was shining through the window and it made me miss the moon and stars in the summer. georgia messaged me today saying she missed me and summer and traveling with me, which made me smile. she told me she missed me and aunt d and cliffs. oh, i clearly taught her all the good of nj :) she is in italy right now, which makes me so jealous because i am in silly virginia working on a silly paper. oh well...

ok going to get some dinner and then back to working on this paper. i only have 5 pages to do, but i am not sure whether i am going to do the intro and focus on the womens royal naval service first or whether i am going to give a brief description//summary on the rest of the paper....we will see. after that it will only be 15-20 pages to go! haha. oh college, you kill me...

here is me and mary playing with my computer, this is my favorite :)

the dixie chicks always seem to know just what i am feeling... this song just came on and i forgot how much i loved it. and how perfect it is to me right now..
But I'm looking forward to the sun
You have to feel the pain
When you lose the love you gave someone
I thought by now that time
Would take away these lonely tears
I hope you're doing fine all alone
But where do I go from here

Cause without you I'm not okay
And without you I've lost my way
My heart's stuck in second place, ooh
Without you

Well, I never thought I'd be
Lying here without you by my side
It seems unreal to me
That the life you promised was a lie
You made it look so easy
Making love into memories
I guess you got what you wanted
But what about me

Cause without you I'm not okay
And without you I've lost my way
My heart's stuck in second place, ooh
Without you

Somebody tell my head to try to tell my heart
That I'm better off without you
Cause baby, I can't live

Without you I'm not okay
And without you I've lost my way
My heart's stuck in second place, ooh
Without you
Without you

4 years.

2010-10-22T10:44:00.002-04:00

i feel terrible not writing about this on tueday and that is has taken me this long to write about it...there are so many things going on in my head but i didn't know how to write them. it makes me sad that it has been 4 years since James died. i cannot believe that is how long it has been since i was a freshman too. where did the last 4 years go. so much of my life has changed since that day i found out he died. so many ups and so many downs. i wonder all the time what James would be doing with his life if he had never got in his car that night. i wonder if he would have finished school on time or if he would stay an extra semester like me. i wonder if we would still be friends and have seen each other again or if we would have drifted apart like i have with so many people. i wonder if he would have a job and if he would be happy. i miss him so much. i miss his laugh and how he always told me to smile more. i miss his random texts to me and i miss hearing about the stupid shit he did....

i just cannot believe it has been that long. that long since i got the terrible phone call and feeling so alone in arizona... James, i miss you more than words could say. I am so lucky to have you watching over me. i am so lucky to have known you the way i did <3

in other news, i am all set to graduate. fingers crossed i pass all my classes :) i am currently typing this on my brand new macbook :) i could not be happier about getting a new computer and honestly, it could not come at a better time! i needed this. buttt my only dilema now is trying to figure out how to use the stupid thing! grr. but i am hoping to not be technologically challenged and figure everything out on my own!

homecoming is this weekend! woo :) i cannot wait to see my y phi lovies and all my pm ladies!! yay! i think mostly i am excited about big being here cause i miss her millions! and yeah.

i had a dream about Will the other night. i woke up and was smiling. i rarely wake up smiling, but this--this was a good dream. he was at camp with me, weird, but out of all my friends from home, i felt like he was the one who completely understood camp...anyways, we were sitting around the back of the fireplace and he kept giving me hugs and joking around with him, gosh, i miss that boy. but it was the first time he was in my dreams in about 3-4 months. i am so relieved he came back. i needed him there :) after i woke up i was hoping i would fall back asleep and keep dreaming about him, but it didn't happen-but it definitely put me in a super fabulous mood all day :)

ok, i am going to get din din with jessie and then to see the social network! cannot wait! then day drinking tomorrow at the fh game [it is their senior day] and the football game [i dislike our football team though] and then who knows! yay weekendd :)

504

2010-10-14T23:14:00.000-04:00

so i was talking to my mom, she said that she had a dream about ryan and he was telling her that he wanted to date me again, womp womp, and then 2 seconds later i get a phone call from a 504 number, which is a New Orleans number.....literally my heart stopped beating. i pick it up and it was a guy and he was like, hi i am looking for kelly k and i was like, this is her? and i was so scared, legit shaking. he was like, hi i am luke calling from cty year. i was so nervous that something had happened to ryan...that i was so relieved that he was ok then so fast my emotions switched to omg this could be what i am potentially going to be doing come this summer.

anyways, they were just calling because i had started an application and the first deadline is coming up and wanted to know if i had any questions or concerns about the application or about cty year itself. anyways, i am SO excited because if i apply by nov 15 i find out with a definite answer by dec 15. which is crazy fast and would be awesome to know the outcome of where would i be and such before i even graduate, but it wouldn't start until july/aug which is okay, gives me some time to get money saved and such. so good way to start my time home :)

going to shower and then to bed cause i am getting breakfast with falan in the morning and then getting my hair done at 12:30 then best friends tomorrow!!!!!

b

2010-10-14T00:48:00.004-04:00

there is just something about b. he always seems to know just when i need him to swoop in and make me feel good about myself and he makes me feel again. woof, i know i don't have feelings for him, but there is just that spark that makes me smile..

home tomorrow. hopefully seeing b and maybe even t... maybe even going on a date? who knows... i am so thrilled i have emotional issues and one day am a hysterical mess and another day could not be happier.

i cannot wait to see my bests on friday. i need them more than they could know <3

i hate him.

2010-10-11T14:26:00.003-04:00

today i am not okay. and i hate it. i just want to move on. i almost wish i could erase him from every bit of my life. i know i can't but i wish i could with every single piece of my heart right now. i hate what he did to me. i hate him. i hate that he made me into this bitter person who is faking being happy all the time. i hate that he took away my hope and my dreams and my belief in love. i hate that he is happy. i hate that he has a girlfriend. i hate that he has moved on. i hate that i meant nothing to him. i hate that i still have dreams about him. i hate that everything i do in my life reminds me of him. and i hate that i love him so much it makes me sick. all i want to do is punch him in the face. all i want is a fucking phone call or text because i feel like he has completely forgot about me. how do you just move on so fast after three years, and nine months? i hate him for hurting me so bad. i hate him for lying to me. i hate him for making me so happy. i hate him for doing the one thing he promised me he would never do. i hate him. i hate everything about him. i hate that he lied even after we broke up. i hate that he told me he still wanted to be in my life. i hate that he used his job as an excuse because he didn't have the balls to say it was me that he didn't want to be with. i hate that i cannot go a day without wishing i could have changed enough to be what he wanted. i hate him for the words i just typed. i hate him for not wanting me to move down there and try to fix this. i hate him for not waiting the extra 6 months for me to graduate and see if we had a fighting chance. i hate him for ruining the dreams i had. i hate that i cry about him because i promised myself after the first week i wouldn't cry anymore. i hate him because every time my phone rings and it is a number i don't know my heart stops because i hope it is him. and i hate myself for not being over him yet. i don't want to move on. i am not okay. and i don't know how to make sense of any of this because i am so embarrassed that i am not okay and that i can't move on yet. i hate that i did this to myself. i told myself i would never let a boy do this, and there he was, he came into my life and ruined everything, but he didn't ruin anything...he made me see a different side to life, and i am so afraid i will never get that back that i can't see anything except this lonely life i have. i hate this. i hate that is it a beautiful sunny day outside and all i want is for it to be a cloudy day so i have a reason to be mopey. i hate that i have been lying for the past six months to myself that i am okay. i hate that i don't have any dreams anymore because he was a part of all of them. and the thing i hate the most is that all i want is for him to be here for me and to make me feel like i have a purpose in life again.

i feel like i am going to vomit because that is how frustrated i am. how do you just stop talking to someone after 4 years of being in that persons life the way we were? how do you just stop? how do you forget everything that was going on and pretend like it wasn't? how do you live again?

my life is falling apart round 2 just hit me like a ton of bricks. and i am so lost in my life that i can't even tell which way is up anymore...

procrastinating

2010-10-06T10:32:00.002-04:00

so i should be studying for my exam at 2, however i feel like i have a semi good grasp of the subject and there is just a lot on my mind.

i literally cannot seem to keep one thought i my mind for longer than 2 seconds before another one pops in. there is so much i need to be doing, but i am not sure how to accomplish any of it. there is the job applying [for after Dec] there is the school work i should be doing and there is the trying to figure out where i am going to be living, what type of job i want, what i want to do with my life, the wondering if this is real and if i am really going to graduate, the anxiety of the unknown is completely crashing down around me...but i just keep telling myself everything will work out the way it is supposed to.

those words seem to be the only thing i have going for me.. everything will work out the way it is supposed to.... i can only hope that those words are somewhat true, because at this rate-it is all i have holding me together. i had an emotional breakdown two weeks ago and that is why i went home- i couldn't deal with being at school while everyone left to go see their boyfriends. lame, i know. but it is the truth. all of my good friends at school, and most of my friends in general, talk about their boyfriends non stop. and i get it, trust me--they are in love womp womp but do they have to talk about it with me all the time? is that what i was like? i cannot remember him being the topic of almost every conversation i had with people. i love(d) Ryan. with all of my heart, and i still do--whatever is left of my heart anyways, but the thing i seem to be having a hard time grasping is the reality that he is no longer a part of my life. and hearing certain people talk about their bf's all the time just feels like they are breaking the bits and pieces of my heart that were just starting to grow back together. does this make any sense? no. but i did such a good job at being strong most of the summer, that i don't know how to do that anymore. there are stages of loss-i think i am going through the acceptance stage. accepting that this is my reality. that he isn't coming back. that the life we had imagined together will never be. the life we talked about, the life we had planned out, the promises, the dreams-they are all gone. and i know that, it is just coming face to face with them that is tearing me apart on the inside. it took me 18 years to let a boy in completely. 18 years. and after 4 years of getting to know him and him getting to understand where all the trust issues i had, he went and did exactly what i was terrified would happen. he left me completely alone, without an explanation and without looking back. i was reading old entries in here the other day, and one of them had this quote, "It seems like the simplest concept: just push them all away and you’ll never get hurt. However, the simplest isn’t always the most effective. Someday, somebody’s going to find their way in, and they’re going to leave you on your knees." that was my tactic until i met him. that was what worked for me, and here i am-broken and alone trying to put the pieces of my dreams and my life back together.

so here is to finding out how to be me again. to understanding what my dreams and my goals in life are again. i thought i knew what they were, and maybe somewhere in my heart and in my head i do. but for now it seems like i cannot remember what dreams i had for my life. i feel like he took them. and i want to be able to keep living my life, but it is just becoming so hard to remember what i want out of life sometimes because everything just fit so well when we were us i know it sounds crazy, but i was looking forward to that life we had planned. everything made sense and i wanted it so bad. but i guess i have to believe that everything will work out the way it is supposed to...

suicide prevention and will

2010-10-03T15:58:00.004-04:00

i know most of the people who read this are my close friends, and you all know how important Will was to me. next weekend, there is a suicide prevention walk that his ex-girlfriend and cousins are participating in and here is the site: here any bit of money helps to prevent suicides and help raise money for this cause that is the 3rd leading cause of death in the US youth.

also, his ex-girlfriend made this memorial website. i miss him so much there are no words.. the last month i can't stop thinking about him either...
will's website

happy octoberr!!

2010-10-01T11:43:00.002-04:00

October is my favorite month, regardless of the fact that bad things always happen in it, it is just too much of a beautiful month to let the bad things bring it down. and today it even feels and SMELLS like fall outside! mm, October-this is why i love you. i love the smells of fall, the cold coming, the breeze always around making the beautiful leaves fall. the first cold nights and the jeans and long sleeve shirt days, being able to wear scarfs again, the first break from school of the year, field hockey season, pretty colors, good hiking weather, and my birthday. well, that is a lie-i hate my birthday. but, whatever. ha ha. i am just happy that it is a new month, a beautiful month, and a busy month. i need something to keep me busy.

i have realized that the reason i am not writing in here is because in my English class, we write in journals every day for 10-15 minutes in the beginning of class, and that is inevitably where i write everything down, my thoughts, troubles, emotions, and dreams.. so i am slacking, but i am still getting a lot of things out :) which is really what i need to do.

so, silly me--in a fast attempt to pack after all the dilemmas of getting back to school, i did NOT pack much fall clothing-i don't even have a jacket, except for my jean one.. anyways-i forgot all the important things--long sleeve shirts, scarfs, leggings, footwear aside from flip flops, a jacket, and i only brought 2 pairs of jeans to school when i have a LOT more a home [mom kept giving me jeans this summer, she would get for herself and not like them, and hey--they are free jeans. i am not complaining..ha] silly silly me.

October plans- well, this weekend is studying! lots and lots and lots. i have my first 2 exams this week-roman history Tuesday and women in European history on Wednesday. i hate the first exams, although my Wednesday exam, i have had this professor before so i know what her exams are like, but Tuesdays i have never had him before, so i need to really study hard-especially because i need to get a B in that class. and this weekend Sam is coming-i haven't seen her since March so i am really excited to see her for the small amount of time she is willing to hang out with me. then it is a blur of working on my capstone, going home for fall break, and studying. so hopefully it will be a good month..

And I'm worried...I, I'm afraid that he took away my ability to believe. And I hate him for that. Because I always believed before. And now I just feel...lost. And I am, I'm trying to put myself out there, but... I feel hopeless.
^how i am feeling today. womp womp..

2010-09-28T19:39:00.003-04:00

going home this weekend was EXACTLY what i needed. i could not have been any happier than i was at home. i really didn't do much. i saw my Aunt Dee, Grammie, the kids, and went on a hike with Em :) and snuggled with my kitty lion and had some legit family time, which was good. and me and momma had some good chats which i feel like needed to come. we talked about boys and after college life and just everything in life in general :)

haaa

2010-09-23T22:20:00.001-04:00

justttt kidding about that boy.

and i decided to drive home this weekend :) i needed to be at home and see my momma. and i missed my lion. :)

oops...

2010-09-22T16:26:00.002-04:00

i never finished updating about the boys part in the last entry!

okay, so i think i am pretty sure i like a boy. and it makes me happy. we text each other every day for about like 4 hours a day. haha, and we talk about everything and i don't know if i like him or if it is just that i like having a boy i can talk to again...because that is what i really miss. i mean, he is a boy from home so it stinks that he isn't here, but when i was at home we hung out a few times and we kissed...so i don't know, maybe we will hang out when i come home in october and maybe we will see where it goes... =)

dc and boys.

2010-09-22T12:06:00.003-04:00

this week has been pretty good. i have been trying super hard to stay on top of my school work, i am a little behind in the reading because monday, usually the days i read, i went into DC to see sissy and play! but before i go into that, i will talk about the fabulous weekend i had!

so Friday big texts me and asks what i am up to this weekend and she tells me to come to richmondd that night cause kwill and jbo and coop were going to go, so i call kwill and she tells me that there is still room and i get ready and go over to senior apts and we head to R. so i get to jeter and rhone's apt in R and kelcakes is there!! gahh it was SO good to see her! she is in PMu and is currently living in NOLA doing cittyy yearr :) and we talked about how she likes it and everything and i am just wanting to go to Nola more and more to try and change the world! so that was fun! and big was there and i haven't seen her since may! ah, it was so great to see her, i missed her so so much! and spenser bff came later in the night too! i miss all the seniors so much! so that was an excellent Friday night and we got back pretty early and me and Kirstin went to walmart and got some wine and rented a movie..we got very drunk and Mary and Megan ended up coming over and we just had a really fun night :)

and now Saturday: i got ready and went to Jessie and Kaitlin's senior apt and we continued to get ready and went to the field hockey game, where we caught the last 10 minutes or so :) and then we went to the tailgate and were there for like 15 minutes and it was so hot out so we went back to Jessie's apt and just hung out and watched tv and some sae's came over and we all just hung out. then we decided that we were going to go to el az for din din! it is the mexican place right by school and super good for super cheap and some lovely drinks. so me kaitlin morgan jessie carlo and a few other girls went to dinner and i had a delicious pina colada and quesadilla and then we went back to jessie's and got ready cause Wiz Khalifa came to our school that night for a concert! so we were drinking and getting ready and Kwill lived with jessie so we were all hanging out and drinking and the line was super long so me kwill joe and morgan went to get on line and i ran into will! i haven't seen him all semester so far and it was so good to see him! so we were waiting in line and they closed it off right before me and will, everyone else was already in! but then 2 people came out so me and will got to go in and we ran into kirstin :) but it was super awesome! i didn't know who he was before i found out he was coming to school, but i really enjoyed the concert and it was pretty awesome. great music to dance to :) then me and kirstin just came home and passed out!

greatttt weekend!

sunday night i went to DC and hung out with sissy for the night and monday we went into DC. we went to the library of congress, which is unbelievable gorgeous! then to the capitol where we went on a great tour :) then lunch with her friend, to the american history museum which was awesome, i really really enjoyed it! then we went to the Washington monument and then to the ZOOOOO! and i saw panda's and elephants and tigers and LIONS! my favorite favorite favorite animals :) it was a super fun day with sister and it was gorgeous out and i just had a very very fun monday :)

happy and change

2010-09-17T13:11:00.003-04:00

i cannot stop thinking about how quickly everything changes. it just surprises me how you can wake up one day and your entire world is turned upside down....

school is going well i suppose you could say. my classes are alright and fairly interesting, well minus English, but i need it to graduate so i need to take it. i am really enjoying my women's history class, thank goodness. i am writing my capstone in that class. it is women in European history and my paper is focusing on either the rubble women or women in WWII and what they did in the navy, army, aviation, nursing during the war for the UK. i am leaning towards the UK one just because there is so much more information. i need to decide by Wednesday. my roman history class is blah but the reading is not too bad and i only need to do a book report and a film report so no in depth research and then i am in drawing, which is not bad, although i did find out i have no artistic ability what-so-ever.

i am trying to get a job..i tried to get one on campus but everything is work study. i also looked into some day care places and some stores around town. but nothing. so now i am applying for a lifeguard job at the ymca in town...but it isn't good pay at all, but hey money is money i suppose...

i have officially started looking for jobs come graduation. i have looked into citty yearr again and have talked to some people from P Mu that have done it in NYC and in Louisiana and i have decided it is basically what i want to do, minus the fact that you make legit no money. and i am still looking into a teaching program that i want to do as well as looking into being a nanny either in the US or London... so we will see what i decide on.

other than that, not too much to write about. i have a mind that won't stop wondering and daydreaming, but i suppose that it is a good sign cause for a while i wasn't and was just not happy. but i am now...well, most days :)

i also cannot believe it is September 17 right now, the days seem to fly by lately. i am not excited for October though, something bad always happens on//around my birthday and i know if i can handle bad things again..so i am hoping that maybe my luck will change soon? <3

happy?

2010-09-07T17:45:00.003-04:00

is it okay that sometimes i feel completely normal and i am happy and i don't think about him anymore?
is it okay that sometimes it still hurts and i get so angry i just want to punch someone?
is it okay that i still talk to his mom because she is one of the most amazing women i have ever met?
is it okay that if i saw him right now i don't know whether i would punch him in the face or just want to run up and give him a hug?

summer has come and gone and it was beyond amazing. my friends saved my life this summer. they picked me up when i legitimately hit rock bottom, or kitchen floor status. they honestly are the only reason i am where i am right now. i would be completely lost without them. camp was fabulous as always. my summer was: middies, enl, sailing, sailing, am time off in younger girl [woof] but i lived with one of my faves :) all in all a pretty fabulous summer program wise. i made a few new friends, loved being with the ones who have been there forever, and drank--a lot. i saw the old friends from home-- tim, bry, matt, dave, ang, jon and went to a concert with devon and her bf dan. saw roo a few times. went to florida with the fam [aunt d, bernie, john, jen, kyleigh, aiden and kenz, and then went to providence/boston with georgia and saw dan and dev and roo and even got to see melaney from Wales. and hang out with justin and tommy a bit :) so all in all a pretty awesome summer!

middies was a fabulous. it was me and whim and a girl from sweden and we had AMAZING campers. absolutely nothing went wrong and it was super easy and fun. it poured the first night, so that was a downer, but other than that i absolutely loved it. sailing was a great 2 weeks! i loved getting to sail pretty much everyday too :) enl was ok..i got to live with georgia though! our kids were just beyond terrible! and birch hollow was a blast, the kids were insane but mae mae and maddie and julia were my campers so it made things better!

the concert with devon and dan was a blast! zac brown opened for dave matthews and it was just a super fun time together! dan brought his friend dan and the 4 of us just had a great time...plus the concert was just phenomenal! :)

florida was crazyyy fun! we were in bonita springs and my aunt has a time share so we stayed at the hyatt there. it was beyond amazing. i love the kids so it was great to be there and hang out with them. we went to the gulf and played in the ocean one day! and we had a lazy river and waterslide at the hotel! and about 9 pools which were all fabulous :) it was just so good to be on vacation and with my family for 5 days--especially at the end of camp!

i don't know what i would have done without meg and elaina this summer. they were the greatest, as usual! we had a good summer for sure :) and having allie and meg there didn't hurt at all. we all just had a good summer together. especially during family
camp :) like always. but it was so nice us all being back there and everything..sometimes it just feels like we are still campers and i love that.

i also got a ton of mail and had a few pen-pals this summer which was SUPER!! Jamie, my big, and Janet one of my middies wrote me a bit this summer and so did Kelcakes and some unexpected people like bridget and heather! it was a good summer for letters!

i am back at school now, nothing too great going on. i am living with kirstin and we have a suite with mary and monica :) classes don't seem like they will be too bad at all, so fingers crossed it will be a good semester!

i am trying to be happy and i am pretty sure that i don't have to try most days-although there are some days i need to put a smile on...but most of the time i am just happy. i am hoping that it keeps up through school and it wasn't just a summer thing! so here is to a fabulous summer, being happy and amazing friends :)

update soon...

2010-08-31T09:44:00.001-04:00

i will write an update on summer and the craziness that it was once i get back to school. i am in the middle of cleaning and packing to move back to va on sunday right now.. this is the song that was just playing and i love it...

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

camp.

2010-08-20T11:22:00.001-04:00

last day of camp and i don't think i have ever been so excited for it to be over.. i am semi looking forward to going back to school too. i think i am just ready for new and better things....

2010-08-05T17:22:00.000-04:00

life is rough.

slacking

2010-07-10T18:20:00.003-04:00

here is an update of my life::

camp started.
i kissed another boy.
i love the new internationals.
i went to a dave matthews concert and zac brown band opened for dave <3
its been a year since will died.
i am doing middies again :)
i miss ryan.
life has been insane.
i have amazing amazing friends and i wouldn't change them for anything.

i'll try to post when i have a minute or two of free time <3

thunder

2010-06-16T23:35:00.002-04:00

We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It's easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven't even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you'll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there's still one more tier to all this; there is always one person who you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it always happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of those lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they're often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.
--Chuck Klosterman, Killing Yourself to Live

real fast before i need to turn the comp off cause of the thunder:
-my aunt is trying to set me up on dates. boy #1 lives in Easton is 26 and has a puppy. he is her co-workers son. boy #2 is 24 i think or 23 just graduated from Montclair with a masters or something to be a gym teacher from allamuchy or something.
-i hung out with devy and dan her bf and i had a BLAST at the beach. we are possibly going rafting//camping monday-tuesday and i am beyond excited.
-saw justin [prom boy] and tommy monday night for about 3498 hours. it was awesome. i missed those boys.
-i have been fairly happy for 3 days now :] this is good.

Eat, Pray, Love

2010-06-14T09:32:00.002-04:00

You should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead.
-Elizabeth Gilbert: Eat, Pray, Love

i read eat, pray, love when i was frolicking across Europe in the spring of 2008. i fell in love with the book. for me, this is huge. i do not like to read, especially because it is all i do at school. but being as i was constantly on a train, plane or bus when i was traveling, i needed something to pass the time. it is an amazing book. top 3 i have ever read. and to be honest, this book was pretty much something i would love to do. the traveling to the 3 different countries just because you needed a break from your life.

it is going to be a movie with julia roberts, who is hands down one of my favorite actresses of all times. i just hope that this movie is gooood. here is the trailer for it: http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2840790041/

but back to the quote, i don't think there could be a better example of what i feel in my heart and in my head. aside from the one drunken night and the day it happened, i will not let myself fall apart. i don't want a boy to define me. i don't want him to have this power over me. there will be no more crying. i am trying to not be so upset. and trying to not have this want for him to be in the empty space any more. i am going to fill it with love. love for myself, love for my family and love for my friends.

i've realized there are a lot of things i want to do in my life. and now maybe they will be easier without someone holding me down. i WANT to move to nola and teach there for 2 years or so. i want to help out in a place where there are not as many opportunities and where they need teachers who are willing to go the extra mile and not half ass things. i want to spend more time in Europe, maybe working there for a year or something insane again where i pick up and just leave. i want to live with jessica somewhere in the middle of like texas or who knows where we will be, but i want to spend more time with her. i've missed her and i think we would have so much fun living together and having real people lives. and i want to be happy. i want that so much. and maybe being happy means not being with him anymore, and i am okay with that. i just want to be able to look in the mirror when i am getting ready in the morning and know that nothing about my smile is fake anymore. and to be able to say that i am really happy again. i want to be able to not have the days where everything hurts and all i want to do is stay laying in bed for the whole day because that would be easier than trying to act ok.

i am not angry still. i don't think i could be. the last 12 months have just been extremely hard. just when i was getting over losing one friend, i had to face another one. meg, will, ryan....and losing meg and ryan don't even reach the level of losing Will, but it still is hard to lose people you care about when you don't have ANY control over the matter.

i lost Will 11 months ago. i will never ever get over not having him in my life. there is no way i am ever going to understand anything that happened with him. why he killed himself, why he thought it was the only choice and why it all happened, but i know one thing, he brought a bunch of us closer together. he made me realize how short life is. how important the people in your life are to you. i thought he would be around forever. he has been there since 2nd grade. i cannot believe it has almost been a year. i miss him and think about him every single day. i will love him forever and i know he knew that, i just hope that he can see how much other people did too..

aches

2010-06-13T21:59:00.003-04:00

my whole body is sore right now. i feel like i am a thousand years old right now! ha. lifeguarding this weekend was good, ended up being really sunny, and EXTREMELY windy. and of course the wind was going down the lake, making my job incredibly fun. aka, rowing halfway down the lake to get to the stupid campers/parents who cannot figure out how to boat. funn. i love the feeling of knowing i worked out, but my shoulder is still messed up. ughh. oh well, i think i am going to take a rowboat out tomorrow just because i like the workout. it is like a whole body workout sometimes i feel like. especially when towing a boat full of people.

ha, there is a commercial on for 100+ spf. i DOUBT it is any better than 50 or so. i just think it is funny, i mean, don't get me wrong, i NEED sunscreen and i wear it, but no matter the spf, i still need to reapply every 30 minutes and i feel like anything above 15 is the same and i get just as protected either way.

sorry about the sunscreen rant. haha so i am avoiding my essay for the week. it isn't hard, it is just annoying! but i have gotten two 100's so i suppose i cannot complain.

i talked to jessica today! gosh, i missed that girl! i hope i get to see her soon, i'm even willing to frolic to az to see her, haha. i also got the brilliant idea that we should live together in texas or alabama or somewhere south. haha. she thought it was a good idea too! ha, i just miss her a lot. i mean, after not being together for like, 2.5 years we are able to still be best friends, that is saying a lot :)

i finally went to my first memorable concert. i saw the beach boys when i was 4 or 5 i forget how old i was, but thursday i went to the new medowlands, which is gorgeous, and saw the dixie chicks, keith urban and the eagles! i was AMAZINGGG. i LOVED the dixie chicks, hands down my favorite part, followed closely by being 10 ft away from keith urban for about, 8 seconds. but the dixie chicks are/have been my favorites for a while now, and i knew every single song except for one and sang along obviously! ha but i mean keith was a great performer and the eagles, well they were just awesome. but it was super fun and i loved it. i wanna go to another one with friends next time around!

summer?

2010-06-07T23:52:00.004-04:00

so it appears as though summer is upon me. although i don't feel like it. summer when i was a kid meant 3 things: pool, camp and NO school.
although i now have the lake, i miss the pool. laying on a raft or tube, no lake weed, not having to drive to camp... i just miss it. camp, i KNOW i still have it. it might be the ONLY constant thing in my life at the moment, but it doesn't mean what it used to. it used to mean carefree days of laughing and now it is a tiny bit more stressful and a lot more tiring. i am sure it is just the old age adding to the tiring, that and the children crying/needing something during the night. haha. but i love it. and i would never give it up for anything. and i know it is going to be a...interesting [the best word i can come up with for now..] summer, but i am GOING to stay positive. jasper told me i need to. and i trust her with everything. so here's to a positive summer. and i know it is very very likely to be my last one for a bit. it will be a good run at summers 1998-2010 without stops. haha. so here's to a good last one! and finally, no school...well, although i am taking a class at county, i am still rather annoyed because monday morning rolls around and i am sitting here twiddling my thumbs thinking about what to write. i did get a 20/20 on my last essay, yesss, but it still is just annoying. and i don't want to think about it!

so scotland came! and now she is gone :( it was so weird, seeing her was amazing and i loved it, but it felt like she NEVER left! which is such a great and amazing feeling! i love when it's been a while since you've seen someone and it literally picks up like it never left at all. that is when you truly know you have an amazing friend. absolutely wonderful. anyways, so she got here tuesday and we just came home, ate dinner with the family and then went for a walk/hung out at the park and then came home and went to bed early. wednesday was nyc with reggie. we went to central park :) had a picnic and went to the met [i sat on the steps outside, they went in..] and then we met up with jasper and her friend for dinner and then me and scotland went on the staten island ferry at sunset which just gives a beautiful view of the city and the statue of liberty! also, it was fleet week and OH MY what gorgeous navy boys did we see...haha ;) then we drove to elaina's and had a sleepover! and thursday was BEACH DAY! it was just good to be back with my friends again :) i like it when my friends are together and people who i just feel me with! so we went to point pleasant and it was really cloudy everywhere but GORGEOUS at the beach, not tooo hot and not too cold, but just right! we had another picnic! this time on the beach and the water was way too cold but we stuck our toes in! and i fell asleep and got super bad sunburn on the backs of my legs! but elaina and scotland got sunburnt too so i didn't feel sooo silly. then we went back to elaina's and napped/watched Now and Then, which i haven't seen in years and omg love ittt. haha then we all went back to my house and Friday was SURPRISE DAY! we legit didn't tell kp where we were going and halfway there we made her put a towel over her head in the car! haa, we ended up going to Milford-- first the Milford diner for some pancakes ;) then to milford beach for some fun at the river and then to sunrise mountain where we laughed and took tons of pictures! saturday me and weeg lifeguarded at camp and sunday we went to child's park with roo! it was so gorgeous and sooo much fun! and went to din with aunt d and then monday we went to my uncle's and kp met my whole fam :) and we had a nice bbq on memorial day! and then we went to chris boyd's house for a bit at night, mm weirddd. haha. and tuesday was our girlie day. we got our nails done and then went shopping a bit and then made some awesome tacos for dinner! wednesday we hung out all day and then we went to elaina's house for PORCH SWING NIGHT 2010. well, needless to say we were all drunk. jasper elaina kp and me stayed over and beaker came for a bit. it was AWESOME to have ALL my friends together. i missed us so much. we drank and played with sparklers and it was fun. i may have had a mental breakdown, but i mean we all have our downfalls...haha then thursday we went to pines lake for some fun in the sun/rest before airport :( and then me and kp went to the mall and shopped! and then had a splendid dinner and then we were off to the airport. it was an AWESOME 9 days. absolutely awesome. and i miss her and hate that she is a stupid computer screen now. BOO.

so other than that life has been boring. worked at camp sat and sun and started working out again. and today i went shopping with aunt d in chester, gap and coach. love it. [i am cleaning her entire house pretty much, hand washing all her f-ing china..everything] so she took me out for some shopping :] got a few cute tops and a skirt and shorts. love love. then a wristlet thing from coach :) and then we went to the tavern for some drinks. new favorite drink: FLIRTINI. <3 haha.

now i am still trying to pick up some pieces of my life...one day at a time.

waterfalls, roo me kp :)

me and elaina down the shore

elaina me and weeg!

me, scotland and reg in nyc

me and elaina at sunrise :)

private.

2010-06-06T09:31:00.002-04:00

i finally got so pissed off at people that i made this private. i guess it is for the best really. i am just so frustrated with the world right now.

3:22 am

2010-05-20T03:20:00.003-04:00

i am so itchy. i got really bad sunburn at passdowns on saturday and it was really painful and now really itchy. but i ALSO got lots of bug bites. GRRR.

i am almost done with my last paper until summer school. wooooo. and tomorrow 2-5 is my last final! i cannot waiittt. my car is packed with everything except my silly bed stuff and backpack :] and i am just so excited for being home.

i work all weekend though. lifeguarding both day with elaina! and its dad and me on sunday! awesome. it is our favorite day of lifeguarding. i am just so happy cause i need the money.

kp comes TUESDAY. EEEEEEKKKK. i really cannot wait. i just feel like i have so much to do before she gets here! i wanna try and get my hair done before then..HOPEFULLLLY. if not, oh well. but it would be nice! i love my blonde hair :]

i had dins with big one tonight. i cannot say how much i will miss her nakey butt next year. like, no lies at all!

i am also decorating my room on friday and i am beyond excited about it. i wanna buy some things to hang on the wall maybe and a new light for my room, cause the one i have is like leaning to the side really bad and looks terrible.

ryan's bday is this week and i sent him a present, but it just makes me sad. first big thing to happen since the poo face decided he didnt like me no more. so, we will see. hopefully staying busy this weekend will be good for it? lets hope so.

chin up. keep smiling. cause everyone would love to see me fall. thats what i gotta keep telling myself so i don't fall to pieces.
love love love.

ohh life.

2010-05-16T15:42:00.002-04:00

so today is the last sunday i will be in virginia until AUGUST!
woop woop! so excited. also, today is my momma's birthday! yay i love my momma and wish i was there to cook her dinner or to play today. but, HAPPY BIRTHDAY LADYYY :) also, it is exciting because IT IS MY ROO'S GRADUATION DAY! my little roo is all grown up! oh my roo..we've been through so much since junior year and she is going off to grad school in boston next year. and in 4 years she will be doctor roo. AH CRAZY. congrats roo!

in other news, it hit me that some of my very favorite people on campus are going to be graduating next year =[ mainly jamie. she is pretty much the one person i can absolutely 100% count on here to always be there to pick up the pieces and to make me laugh and to be there no matter what. things have been crazy the last 2 years. and i can absolutely say she is one of the people i know no matter what that she will be there for me. hands down. no matter where i am in my life, and where she is. and i don't know what i will do next semester without her, or when we are far apart. but she is one person i know will ALWAYS be in my life. i am surprisingly sad about a lot of other people too...which is weird...i didn't know how much they all meant to me until the last week probably.

we had passdowns yesterday and i got rid of a lot of my clothing, it was pretty emotional and it was still fun to finally be together as a whole group again. it just stinks that it was probably the last time we will all be together =/

2 papers due tomorrow and on Thursday and then one exam Tuesday and one Thursday and then DONE and HOME. then summer school starts Monday =/ ughh. haha but then my 2 faves are sleeping over/going to the bar the Friday i get home and then Scotland comes on tuesday! [so soon!]

superrr awk.

2010-05-11T23:59:00.003-04:00

i think my hand has an extra amount of lines/cracks in it...interesting.

i have 3 pages of bs done on my arab-israeli paper. womp womp womp.
tonight i went out with a bunchhh of pm's for meredith's 21st bday. loads of fun. we went to BWW. it makes me miss the zone when i go there cause Jessica used to work there and bring home food. probs why i got so large that semester. haha.

the train is bothering me loads. i miss him. a lot. well, i just miss all my friends. you should all listen to Jesse Lees song "itsagirlthing" and jesse james "ilooksogood" both prettty awesome if i do say so. but so is justin beiber. especially because HE SINGS MY LIFEEE.

so i decided this is what i hope:
boy and girl were planning to move in together. boy got scared. boy broke girls life/heart apart. girl cried. girl goes to camp/summertime. boy=stupid. boy decides he was wrong. boy asks girl for her forgiveness and admits to girl he is stupid. girl, already moving to nola for job decides to give him ONE LAST CHANCE. boy doesn't need it because boy and girl live happily ever after.

doubtful, but i like to dreammm.
speaking of dreams, i had a dream i got my friend preggo and we were in high school and in the library going to meetings for something and this guy comes in and touches me and i got preggo. WHATTT? then B comes in and is like, oh heyyy about that, my bad. and buys Plan B for me. hahaha weird, i think so.
i also had a dream that my creeper professor found my teddy and blankie in my backpack [no worries not possible. they are in the dirttty.] and he made fun of me in front of the whole class. and i cried. weird.

James would have turned 22 yesterday. stupid death. stupid boys. they are ALL leaving me. first James, then Will, now Ryan.. i am surprised Tim and Bryan are still around. womp womp womp. I miss James so much though. i will never ever ever forget math class with him sophmore year. i wish i had said yes to going out with him instead of being so awkward. but we had fun the next summer, so i guess that is all that really counts. gosh, high school would have been SO lame without him. i just hope he is laughing up there. [Budddddy, i miss you. everyday. sending you a BIGGG hug, a push up against the locker squeezer. LOVE]

ok, i am done rambling. i believe.
i legit do not know if i will make it through the next week. vomitttt.

thanks!

2010-05-10T20:46:00.002-04:00

i just want you all to know how thankful i am for having you in my life. :] if you are reading this and have commented, it means a lot to get the feedback and to just know you are thinking about me...

it has been rough, but i think it will be okay.. i know it will be okay.
i text him today and asked for some advice and he called back and we talked for a little bit..it was good. i am so proud of how much he has grown up in the last 4 years and i feel lucky that i still have him. but i think we will be okay in the long run. friends.. who knows? i sent his mom an email back after the one she sent me [before knowing..] and i hope that things will be okay.

finished my project, now just paperx2 and just waiting for thursday at 1pm.

ughh.

2010-05-10T01:28:00.003-04:00

it has been a weird weekend...
i just want to be home though. i don't want to have to be worried about school. and i want to see my mom. i think she will be able to fix this. because if she can't then i do not know how to fix me. and that is sad.

i am also so uncomfortable. my bed is about to go down. i think i'd be happier in a camp cot.

i just want to smile and really smile. not because i drank a whole box of wine smile..
and i really want to go swimming in the lake.
and there was a need for some change on the blog. so i changed the colors.
now i will read some winston churchill awesome facts so that maybe i can do this ridiculous paper for tomorrow. ugh. i wish i was graduating so that i would never have to write another paper if i didn't want to.

one week down, a lifetime to go...

2010-05-07T11:55:00.003-04:00

it has been one week. one slow, stressful, hot, tiring week. but i have made it. i think this is supposed to be the hardest week, right?

so i talked to my mom yesterday about everything that happened with ryan on monday. my mom is going through a lot right now and is super emotional about life. i was talking and i can only be optimistic with things i have to say about my future, whatever that will be.. and i can only be optimistic with things i have to say about ryan. i wasn't crying, i am not angry..and we were talking and she started crying. i was like, mom, what are you doing crying!?! [obviously i started to get teary at this point] and she was like, i just literally expected you to fall apart. she was like, i expected to have to come down there to put the pieces back together. she said, you are just being such a grown up about this, i don't know how you are doing this at all. you are stronger than i am... and i was like, well-first of all, my lowest grade on anything all semester is a C [for me, this is super awesome!] and i cannot let this affect school right now because i need to keep up the good grades and by staying busy i am not thinking about it. and 2-i can't fall apart because i don't know if i would be able to ever pick myself up.

i am trying so incredibly hard not to let my life fall apart right now. i can see the sand coming through the holes in some places, but i am trying so incredibly hard to not let it all pour out. i need to stay together for at least 13 more days, preferably until after scotland comes and goes though. literally all i want to do is lay in bed and feel sorry for myself, but i don't want to be there and do that. i can't do that.

i was also talking to my mom about ryan's mom. i think she is such an amazing person and i don't want to lose her in my life. she makes me want to be a better person. she inspires me to want to do great things...and i was talking to her about it and she was like, well uncle scott's ex's are still in touch with grammie, there is no reason why you couldn't still talk to her..and i know some of nick's ex's are still in touch with her because she tells me about them whenever i come to visit... i just, i honestly don't want to lose his mom in my life. it is sad because i haven't just formed a bond with him, but his whole family really. i think i might miss nana the most though. she was always a blast to hang out with. i loved her stories of ww2 and just her funny stories of her life...

i just i don't want to lose his whole family. and that makes me sad, but i know it will happen, little by little. i will. and it stinks, but i promised myself it will only make me stronger as a person and i will learn from this.

i took down some pictures and left some up. i took down some things he has sent me and i plan on making a nice photo album of our almost 4 years together. i never want to forget the way he made me feel or how happy i was to be around him. i never want to forget the way he gave me butterflies or the way he could say one word and it made me laugh..i don't ever want to regret any time we had together or be angry for it either. he has changed my life in so many ways he could never know about because i can't even describe them.

my aunt has called me probably close to 5 times in the last week. and well, i cannot answer the phone. my mom said they haven't told anyone in my family. he was very close with my grammie and my whole family really. i just don't know how i am going to tell them. it makes me sad to think about it. but i don't want to talk to her and i can't lie to her. so i just am not answering the phone. i will make up some excuse when i get home, being in the library or something.. but i don't want to tell them yet. i am afraid that i will fall apart by telling them.

i also don't understand. i mean i know how it is super weird to act around people who are going through tough times, but is to ask "how are you" a good thing? i mean think about it? i just keep saying i am good. because i don't know what else to say. i am out of bed and i am showering. that is as good as i am going to be for now. my mom asked me the other day if i was showering still. ha thanks momma. you the best :) but yes, i am showering and keeping up with school. i am almost done with my project for comp sci!!!!! i actually know a lot more than i thought i did. it might take me 23 minutes to do ONE input because i get flustered, BUT i still got it right. i just need to make a LOT of graphs and then write my paper up on it. but it is FRIDAY and it is due TUESDAY. yay me :)

i just cannot wait to sit on the porch swing with my best friend and drink a LOT of wine. or to see roo and get some sprinks from cliffs with a little bit of orange icecream :) or to snuggle with my lion who love me so much, or to be on the lake forgetting about life.

i just need summer, more than i think i have ever needed one before.
one week down, a lifetime to go. lets just hope i can keep all my pieces together for the long time, and not just for a little bit at a time.

no catchy title

2010-05-05T11:11:00.003-04:00

we talked. he listened. i listened. we will be friends. i have no doubt of this in my mind. to be honest, nothing feels different. i took down the reasons he loved me and put up something jessie made me "if there is anything that i have learned about kelly k. it's that her colors don't fade. no matter what. not even when someone tries to steal them. not even when it rains. because she always brightens up my day" and a card big made me. the pictures are all up, i just feel like taking them down would be a lie because it says that he was never in my life and i don't ever want to think that or feel that.

we had pm roast and toast, the seniors get roasted by someone, usually their littles, and then toasted by their family via letters...seeing as technically i am a senior and since i will be gone next spring, i went this time around. jessie roasted me and it was awesome. since i was not scandalous at school i ended up telling her some funny stories about my life aka sex stories/stupid shit i have done/about the boys at home and it was super good. she did an excellent job. just being with all my sisters for 2 nights was excellent. and actually just what i needed. no matter what i would never trade joining pm over the 3 other sororities. it was hands down the best decision i ever made in my life.

1 huge computer science project and 10 page paper on winston churchill due tuesday, 1 10 page paper on the american influence in the arab israeli conflict due thursday [the 13] 2 take home exams and 2 regular exams away from being able to seeing my best friends. may 20th at 5pm cannot come soon enough..

What is your current state of mind?
curious, anxious, hopeful.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
camp...anything at that place, the feelings it brings, the things it has brought to my life, the way it makes me truly happy, the way that it is the one constant in my life..

What is your most marked characteristic?
that is something i am not too sure of actually..maybe i will find that on my journey i am taking this year...

What do you most value in your friends?
honesty, faithfulness that they won't throw me under the bus any chance they get, and the ability to handle me at not only my best, but when i come into their room and fall on the floor because my life falls apart. not the ones who simply walk away.

What is your greatest extravagance?
probably i'd have to say buying jewelery. i don't wear any of it, but i like to have it.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
"you know what i mean" i don't know how to stop saying it.

When and where were you happiest?
Paris, France March 2008. Hands down the greatest 34 hours of my entire life.

Which talent would you most like to have?
i would love to be more artistic and i hate that i am not at all.

What is it that you most dislike?
not understanding something when it seems so simple to you.

Who are your heroes in real life?
my grandpa...and ryan's mom, i find everything about her life incredibly interesting and the things that she has done absolutely amaze me.

Who are your favorite writers?
jodi picoult and dr. seuss

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
selfishness

Where would you like to live?
new orleans.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
going to Wales for 6 months

What is your motto?
i don't know right now. i lost it a few days ago i think. along with everything else..i'll find it soon enough.

i lost all my color.

2010-05-03T11:05:00.003-04:00

he took all of my color.

that is the only way that i can put any of this into perspective. i have a lime green, neon blue, pink and orange bracelet from Walmart. it is a simple braided bracelet. but my friend told me it was me in bracelet form. i feel like a grey bracelet or a black bracelet. i know it is stupid, but it was the only way i can make any sense of this.

his pictures are still on the wall, the picture he drew me is still up there and so is the reasons why he loves me. i can't take them down. mainly because that will make it real. also because there will just be weird holes in my room and i do not want them there.

i can't take the jewelry off that he gave me. mainly because i feel completely naked without it on. i took it off for maybe 3 minutes and couldn't deal with no wearing it all.

i might be weak and i might not be dealing with this the way i should be.. but i don't care. he took away my dreams and he took away the life i wanted and was ready for and the life i have been working towards since i started school. and i know this is going to sound more insane then anything i have ever said in here, but i WANT to go down there still. it wasn't about him anymore. it was about something i find myself incredibly passionate about. talking about going down there and doing teachNOLA and being able to help the kids who need it, and to be able to help change the schools down there and to be with people who NEED someone who actually cares and isn't just going through the motions of teaching.. it is something i actually want to do. and i know there are other cities. but nola is the only city i have ever felt completely comfortable in. i can see myself in an apartment with kelcakes and i can see me being so happy down there. without him. but i don't want people to think that i am going there to try to follow him. because a while back i said that this job had nothing to do with him. it is something that i WANT to do. i mean, i only know about this job because of him. but it is something i truly want. and i want it for me. not for "us" not for "him" not for anything else, but i want it for a reason that i can't explain.

and you know, maybe something great will come out of this. maybe we can be the friends that i want us to be. he has been the only person i can say has been there for me through the hardest four years of my life. no questions asked. supported every single decision i made and believed in me. he is the one person who flew across the country and to a different continent to see me. he is the one person who knows everything about me. who has seen me at my best and my worst. and i cannot lose another friend like that. the last year has been hard, and it looks like it is only going to get harder. my whole body is aching right now and i find myself unable to breathe at points because taking a deep breath hurts. and i know i will be okay. but i cannot lose other person this year.

i literally will not be able to hold myself together if that happens....

this song is on repeat on my itunes right now. and i feel like it is the only thing that i can relate to.

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street
She thinks, “Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can’t get out of this place”
There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her it might
She says, “I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place”
There’s loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
There’s a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It’d take the work out of the courage
But she says, “Please
There’s a crazy man that’s creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world”
There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It’s more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey

20 minutes can change your life.

2010-05-01T11:41:00.002-04:00

i have never in my entire life felt so lost and broken. every single bit of my body hurts. all i want to do is crawl into a ball and never ever get up.

my whole life fell apart yesterday. and i don't even know how to fix this. or how to live without him next to me.

i had my whole life planned with him. in decemeber he wanted me to move in. now, nothing. 3 years and 9 months gone in a 20 minute phone call....

dreaming of summer.

2010-04-28T01:02:00.002-04:00

all i want right now is to be on elaina's porch swing sipping some beer, wine or soco listening to some music, playing cards, dancing like a fool, double fisting wine and beer anytime that someone says "sussex county" talking about endless nonsense, playing washers, and having the best time ever...

or sitting around a campfire, listening to the sound of the crickets and the songs of the campfire, seeing the fire glow in the eyes of all the kids, looking up at the sky through the holes in the trees and knowing that for that time, everything is perfect in my world...

or to be canoeing down the delaware, having the sun shine down on me, nothing but blue skies, the sound of the river flowing and breathing in the fresh air..

or to be laying on skytop porch laughing endlessly about absolutely anything and everything and being so incredibly tired that walking to the unit to shower seems like a never ending task...

gah, what i wouldn't do for that right now. the summer seems like forever away. school is going to be a crazy few weeks..and then a 3 day break and taking a summer class from may 24-june 24. then june 29 is off to summer camp...so i mean, i really don't have much of a "summer" of relaxation which would be nice, but i am more excited for a sumer or playing and laughing in the woods...i think because it might be my last, but i am longing for these summer days so much right now..

i also miss Ryan so much tonight. i just want to be laying next to him.

terrible blogger.

2010-04-21T11:21:00.003-04:00

I am so bad at this lately, just life has been rather...dull to say the least. haha.

So, here is just a little bit of an update..
-Will, who died this summer, doesn't have anywhere to visit, and when Maria was texting me one night, we were talking and we are really upset about not being able to go "see" him anywhere, so we decided we wanted to DO something to change this. so we decided we are going to arrange via the town, a memorial for him which will be, hopefully with the donations of some of his friends, a tree in a park by the lake along with either a memorial stone or bench. I immediately feel good thinking about or talking about this event. We made a page on facebook and got excellent response and have 100 "friends" following the progress of everything and I know there is nothing I can do to bring him back, but by doing this we will be able to keep a piece of him here with us. plus, Will would have done something like this for any of us...I just know he would have. Will's cousin also told us that his mother is happy we are doing this and she wants to know details about it when we have things figured out.

-My wonderful family came to visit for Easter and spring break. It was so nice to have them here. I miss them terribly, at times to much to admit I think... We went down to Rich.mond and did some fun things there, I was just happy it was so beautiful out! and then on Easter, we went to Monticello in C-ville and it was absolutely GORGEOUS. The weather was gorgeous, the place was gorgeous, it was a perfect Easter day! When they left on Monday, I guess my dad was worried cause I was in a really blah mood on Monday and so Tuesday when driving back from Longwood going to Fredricksburg, they stopped and we played mini golf and got dinner! It was a great surprise and really made my day!

me and momma <3

Spring has Sprung!!! walking around Monticello

me at Monticello

-school also had a black and white affair, a benefit for Haiti, and it was fun, went and got margaritas before hand at el az with Kirstin Jessie and Kaitlin and then got ready at Jessie's and it was super fun. I got to hang out with Big too! I just liked getting dressed up!

Kirstin, me, Kaitlin and Jessie before we left :]

me and Jessie :]

-Scotland is coming to visit in 34 days! I am beyond excited! I just cannot believe how soon it is! I get out of school in 29 days [thank goodness!] and then she comes that Tuesday! It is the only thing I am looking forward to in the next monthish.

-I am going home tomorrow, I have a doctors appointment with the head doctor, he is my favorite doctor so I suppose that isn't too terrible! Plus, I get to see my family and my baby lion love cat and I am working on Saturday so I can't complain. I am also stopping to see Ryan's mom :] I love visiting with her, she is always just so happy to see me and it makes me happy too! I am just not looking forward to the drive.

-I am going to my first concert that I will be able to remember! When I was like, 6 maybe? I went to see the Beach Boys with momma pops and Erin, but I have no memory of it what-so-ever. So, in June, I will be going to see the Eagles, Keith Urban, and the DIXIE CHICKS!!!! I am beyond excited! I am going with my parents and sister too! I could not be more excited for that! haha.

that is about all, boring I know..but nothing to exciting is going on! just trying to get through the days.. it's the same shit, just a different day...

dreaminggg

2010-03-30T23:40:00.002-04:00

the last 2 weeks I have been having crazyy craze dreams, but last night was just so strange. and I keep talking about this I fee like, but it is getting so weird the dreams that i am having with Will in them. I am not even sure that any of the dreams I have make sense either, which is even weirder. like last night his ex-girlfriend who I had never ever met was there and we were friends, which is weird..I mean, I knew a TON about her and their relationship, but we never met. and then we were at some store where he worked but there was a bunch of other people there. and then the cops came and Will was like, guys don't worry I have the keys and he took us all into the dressing room to hide and we all crawled up into the vents to get away from the cops. and then we ended up getting out without getting caught and we were all so excited. and then we sat and looked at the stars all of us who were there. and we were all just so happy and me and Will went for a walk and he just kept giving me hugs and telling me something and I started to cry and then I woke up...

I love love love seeing him in my dreams, but I just wish they made more sense...
gosh, I miss him so much some days... so so much.

kittyyy

2010-03-29T23:46:00.003-04:00

so being home was absolutely fabulous! i wish i was still there and snuggling with my kitten and just at home!

so i went home thursday and went up to udel to see sam! i got there and had some lunch with her and it was gorgeous out! we sat outside and ate delicious mexican food! yummy! and then we walked around udel and sat on a bench and just chatted! then we went back to her house and hung out with her brothers, it was a TON of fun! i missed her and was so happy to see her!
friday was super gorgeous out too! i went to the doctors because of my asthma which was killing me and breathing is somewhat important! so i was put on all new medicines and it worked! i can breathe! and then i went to get a late lunch with june and we met maria at her work! it was super fun and then we went to cliffs <3 and sat outside and ate our delicious ice cream! then i went and hung out with grammie for a while which was terrific! i loveee her!
saturday was work weekend and it was SOOOO pretty out, warm and perfectly sunny! i got to stack wood in the sheeps cage and then it was lunch time! yummy grilled food! and then i got to paint the trim on the roof! me and jasper, brady, cory and olive! yay it was SO much fun and i loved seeing all my friends! then we went to the bar that night, always a fun time at boomers!
sunday was my spontaneous day! i ended up going to the city with jasper and brady! we took the train from dover and then we went to brooklyn and i got to see brady's super cute apartment and then we went to a park and had a little people watching picnic! it was great and just a super relaxing day! and then we got some delicious ice cream and then i went back to jersey :)
monday i went shopping with my aunt! SUCH a great day! i got 2 cute dresses, one is a sun dress and the other is a shirt dress thing, i dk. haha and then i got a skirt a pair of capri's and then a super cute shirt and 2 pairs of awesome americaneagle flip flops :) then we had a great lunch and i just love love love spending time with her!
tuesday and wednesday were my relaxed days, i didn't do a whole lot.
thursday i went back to the doctors and everything was fineeee and then hung out and then went to din with momma :)
friday was relaxed, went to visit my grandpa :) i love spending time with him. so so much. and then packed and did laundry cause i avoided that all week.
saturday i worked at camp and did ropes and the lifeguarded for boating and it was SO cold, but it was okayy because hobbes and birdie were working there too! so it was a fun day. then i went home and said goodbye to the fam fam and then went to see ruby dooo! yay best friend time. we just hung out at her house and the bf came over. it was nice to see her and hang out with the bf because i never have really hung out with him. then i went back to school. so that was my nice nice nice break :)

my baby buggg :)

me and clyde outside!

cedar ridge counselor cabin! brady cory olive me and jasper!

in brooklyn :)

all dogs go to heaven..

2010-03-17T21:08:00.002-04:00

sighhh, my puppy went to heaven, they all go there right? :(

ohh pupperrooo, you had quite a good good life didn't you? even though i always yelled at you for barking at the wall like a fool, it will make me sad that you won't be there to do it anymore :( and i will miss you begging for food at the din din table. and i will never forget the 2 black eyes and slight concussion you gave me when you were just a puppy pup. ohhh fat stuff, i think mostly i will miss how excited you got when i would come home from school late at night when everyone was in bed and you would be the only person to come see me at the door.

i'll miss you brandy lynn hope you have all the tennis balls in the world up there. love love love you babyyy <3

my doggie and kitty

just talking with pup :)

daddy and pup xmas 09 :(

satc

2010-03-15T22:38:00.002-04:00

my favorite show as most of ya'll know is sex and the city :)
i love the show, the characters, the quotes and the movie!
i am beyond excited about the new movie coming out and you should check out this is an awesome giveaway!

check it out here!

dreams and dogs.

2010-03-10T11:58:00.004-05:00

I had a dream about Will last night. It was so real. We were talking and I told him what happened and he told me there was no way he would ever do that because of how much he loved everyone. And he told me it was all a lie. I just sat there and talked to him and told him how much i missed him and just seeing him really made everything better. He just told me it was all going to be okay. But I didn't understand how I was talking to him. And I just wanted answers to everything. But I didn't get them. He just kept telling me it wasn't true and that it must have been a bad dream. But I am awake, and he isn't here. I think I just want some answers. Getting a hug from him in my dream though was so real. I just want to know he is okay wherever he is. I miss him so incredibly much. It has been 8 months now and it still feels like I am living in a terrible dream. I just want to wake up and for him to be back.
Disney 2006 Senior Trip, plane ride home we sat together and had epic heart to hearts <3

At Graduation, him and Devon gave speeches :]

In other sad news, my puppy, Brandy who is 13 in human years and veryyy old in doggie years, she either has Cancer or something else, which I cannot remember what my mom said, anyways, she isn't eating and having a hard time getting around, so my pupperoo is most likely going to be put to sleep in a the next week or so. I absolutely hate that I cannot be there right now to give her another hug. My poor doggie. I absolutely love her even though she gave me a concussion and 2 black eyes when she was a puppy and i was 9. We've had her for as long as we've had Michael. I feel like they go hand in hand. I got a brother and a dog in one year. It makes me sad. And I talked to my dad on Monday when we found out and he just sounded devastated. =( I guess this just wasn't our year for animals...Alice and Trixie died last Spring, Lillie got attacked by the coyote/ big scary animal, Scarlet is no longer with us, SERIOUSLY, I started 2009 with 6 cats and a dog, and soon I will only have 3 kitties =[ I am just sad about it. I called Ryan like hysterical the other night and he has no idea how to handle me when I am sad over the phone. So he came on the computer and tried to make me smile. And he loved her too, he always wanted to take her on a walk and stuff. I am just sad I won't have a dog anymore. =(

me and my pup just talking with each other, Christmas 2008

pupperoo christmas 2009

waiting on the world to change.

2010-03-07T23:53:00.002-05:00

and by waiting on the world, i think i am waiting for me to change.
i always say i am going to not procrastinate, well SURPRISE, i do. haha.

but anyways, i changed everything around. and am listening to john mayer//watching the oscars//reading a book. i am really bad at updating this and i have no excuse, so i am going to try to do it more.

update::
-i can not believe that it is currently March 7, 2010.
-i leave for New Orleans in 10 days now!
-i am currently living the life of a guido, aka going to the gym and tanning [tanning only for the next 10 days, gym forever.]
-i am SO ready for school to be over, and it is only a month in. hahaha.
-i ADORE ()M more thn anything in the world, even though we are gone, we are STILL here. [school would be terrible without them.]
-and i actually went out this weekend, 3 nights in a row. GASP.

mainly, just getting through the next 10 days and anxiously awaiting drunk fest 2010. aka spring break.

on a lighter note, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELAINA :) love you!

and that is all, i am off to bed.

[i didn't unfortunately take any of the pictures on the new blog thing, BUT i did put them together in the collage. haha. aka, i feel like it is my life in one collage of pictures]

goodnight everywhere.

quote of the day.

2010-02-24T11:35:00.002-05:00

"It seems like the simplest concept: just push them all away and you’ll never get hurt. However, the simplest isn’t always the most effective. Someday, somebody’s going to find their way in, and they’re going to leave you on your knees."

i am sick, yet again UGH, kirstin is sick and she got me sick, just a runny nose and sore throat combo making us both feel like poo. but we are loading up on the meds!
we've been working out everyday the last 2 weeks and i feel GREAT! plus i am eating better and gave up candy for lent, so this is good! we are either running or doing the bike for 30 minutes a day [usually the bike for me, we both tried the elliptical but it hurts my knee/hip too much and her knee too much! booo bad knees!] and then we pump some iron, aka just do some of the machines that work your shoulders and arms and this week we are going to do some more leg things and then we do about 10 minutes of abs. i am loving it, especially because we go in the mid morning, we are going in about 5 minutes now.. and no one is there, except some old people! and i am eating either special k or carnation instant breakfast in the morning before class and then yogurt for lunch and then a salad or something along those lines for dinner. =)

anddd 23 days til we get to NEWORLEANSSS !! and 22 until we leave! yayy, we are leaving after kirstins class on thursday afternoon and getting there about 11-12 on friday morning! we are SOO excited and have $103.24 saved up since the start of fall semester in change! [it is all for gas money] but i am just trying to get through the next 22 days!

procrastination//life?

2010-02-17T11:46:00.002-05:00

soo, i have been a complete slacker in the blogging world. boo for me. update:
i went home and had a BLAST. i LOVE being home. me and clyde obviously snuggled every second of the day aka he is my perfect man, just in cat form. hahaha. [yes, i will be the crazy cat person if i never get married. so so so true.] um, i worked at camp one day from 10am-9pm. LONG day, but it was fun, i got to see hook poly and aj :) they all make me smile and i just love being there. and plus, i desperately needed the money! then i went to providence for the night to see devon! FINALLY, 4 years of wanting to go up there, i did! it is so great to see her and i love that we are still friends after oh, 14 years. and even though we dont see each other/talk a lot, things never change with us, which i absolutely love. we had fun, went to dave&busters and just hung out like we do, the next day we went to mass. cause her bf was having hand surgery so i hung out with her for a bit and we got amazinggg lunch and then i went home..but it was an awesome visit for us, and i was happy to spend time with her! i saw my kids and that was good...kenzie CONVINCED me, yes a 4 year old can convince me to have a sleepover. so i will be this weekend having a sleepover. hahaha. <3 and i saw my grandpa and when i was leaving he told me he loved me, which was SO good to hear, but also kind of made me sad cause it has been so long since that has happened, and it just hurts sometimes... and then i worked at camp another day for a few hours.. but it was a nice break at home.. very relaxing and i just love love love being with my family because i know that soon those family dinners will be far and few between...

so, spring semester started up again. i am taking 2 history classes, England since 1660 and the Arab-Israeli Conflict, a lit class: Walt Disney's America [we legit get to watch disney movies... =) ] and a Computer Science Class.. wooo. i like them all, my schedule is good, i have compsci, and both history classes tues and thurs 8-1 no break and then Disney monday and wed at 2-430. so no friday classes and it is a nice schedule, minus the 8am. haha... but i think i can do really well this semester, as i need to get at least 2 A's. yeahhh, wish me luck!

so Valentine's day usually SUCKS because even though i have Ryan, we don't celebrate and i never get anything, except this year... he sent me my FAVORITE flowers :) i got 12 roses and 6 white Lilies. gorgeous :) and he didn't go out to any mardi gras parades that day and he stayed in and we talked on skype legit all day. it was perfect. only way it could have been better was if i was there. =) and it made things better because we got in a huge fight about everything and how we are both tired of being apart from each other, but it is only 10 more months until I MOVE DOWN THERE. speaking of which, i don't know if i wrote this yet or not, but he legit asked me to move down there. so as of December, after graduation, i will be living in apt 47 in new orleans =) with Ryan and Joe !!! yay! i am beyond excited and i just can not wait to start our lives together. plus, i just want a new adventure, and i know living down there with the 2 of them will be just that.. it just makes me happy to think about it. and we were talking about everything about me moving in and he just seems genuinely excited for it all! but things are perfect now and i go down there in 28 days! woop woop! the boys are super excited for us to come down and Bridget is going to be down there for a few days when i am there so i am excited about possibly seeing her!
my pretty flowers :)

other than that, life is boring. it is recruitment week and with everything going on with PM, i am just incredibly sad about not being able to do anything...we find out this weekend the final verdict to everything and i am just devastated because as much as i am hoping that things will work out, in the back of my heart i know it won't.. but i am still wishing and hoping... so fingers crossed this weekend...

anddd, i am going home this weekend, getting my hair cut hopefully, having a sleepover with kenzie and aiden, and it is my grandpa's bday party. woooo. haha that is why i am really going home. so exited though to go home, especially this weekend cause all kirstin is talking about is recruitment and blahhh. so yay home!

=]

2010-01-27T13:11:00.002-05:00

i am going home either tonight or tomorrow and i am rather excited about it! i don't even feel like i am going home though, which is strange. i guess cause i was home less than a month ago and am going home in less than a month for Pa's birthday.
when at home i am: going to the neurologist, working a day at camp, hopefully seeing beaker[?] possibly heading to Providence to see Devon and going to see the babies =) along with snuggling with Clyde and hanging out with my fam fam.

but i am just excited about not having school work. ha ha, and being home. i just love the feeling i get when i am there. yayy i can not waittt. plus i really need to get my migraines under control, because they have been going insane lately..

now to finish these 5 movie essays and my 2 500 word essays and the packing and depending on how tired i am either home tonight or tomorrow morning =)

i liked this...

2010-01-26T10:09:00.002-05:00

Life sucks in a good way: falling in love, falling in hate, getting hurt, and getting laid; what's one without the other? But when it comes to the ritual of growing up, sometimes you smile because you're happy, and othertimes you smile just because you survived. Yet in the end, a smile is a smile. - Happy Campers

quicky

2010-01-20T20:58:00.003-05:00

"You can erase someone from your mind. Getting them out of your heart is another story." -Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

this is the quote of the day, and i really really like it.

in other news, i am doing really well [for me] in my class right now, i am HOPING for an A in it. all pretty much depends on this speech i have to give tomorrow on a movie i had to watch. it is an 11 minute speech, 3 of which are viewing a scene from the movie and the other 8 are talking about the film. i HATE giving speeches. i can go up in front of kids and i don't get nervous. i can SING in front of kids and i could care less, but i hate going in front of people in school. ugh. but i am fairly confident in this.

i can not wait to go home in a weeeeek!! =) we have a j-term break from whenever our class is out until when classes start on monday. i am SO excited to go home for a bit! just a nice break =)

hope everyone is having a good week so far!

oh, and an update to my training..haha that is what me and kirstin are calling it..i can do a 1.5 miles comfortably now! yay me. haha =) [i dont know if i wrote about this, but me and kirstin are trying to be able to run 5 miles comfortably by the time we finish the semester..]

hearts and stars.

2010-01-18T15:45:00.002-05:00

so i must say natural disasters really amaze me. i mean, i always loved learning about hurricanes and volcanoes and earthquakes in science classes, it was the one thing i actually could grasp and fully understand and really found super interesting. but the other thing that amazes me about them is the media...any time anything terrible happens the media jumps into it with full force and it never ceases to amaze me. i guess there is not really much i have to say, but instead of reporting about it and questioning people don't you think that it would serve a better purpose if they were helping to do things for these people? that is just what i think anyways.. i just always wonder what they do for the other 20 some hours of the day when they are not on air and such...

anyways, i just had the tv on and they had coverage on it and it made me think...

i am yet again not sleeping, weird..i partially think it is my bed, it is just so terrible, but then again i can sleep perfectly fine on the outside ground and it causes no troubles really..so then it leads me to these migraines i am having. i've had them for as long as i can remember, been on many different medicines and right now i've got one that refuses to be defeated by any amount of medicine. i took the legit migraine meds, then some Exce.drin migraine because that is really the only thing that otherwise helps and it has been here since SATURDAY. and it is now MONDAY. ugh, to those of you who don't have migraines, it is something i would never wish upon a person because they are quite simply terrible.

in other news, i was talking to Ryan about the games this weekend and i wanted the Saints, Ravens, Vikings and of course the Jets to win...but i only had the Ravens lose, which for me is pretty exciting because who i want to win usually never does, I would LOVE for the Saints and the Jets to be the ones in the playoffs because ultimately they are the two teams i like best...i HATE the cowboys and always have. but i like football and am excited for the superbowl. especially because last year and the year before both teams i bet with Ryan actually won!

that is really all i have to say, except that i am SOOO excited that weegie is coming to visit in May!! right after we both finish up with exams she is flying out here for a week or so, maybe a little more? we aren't sure yet but before she goes off to Australia for a year she is coming to visit!!!! i am pee my pants excited!

and i am super stoked for New Orleans on spring break yet again!!! it is in 2 months!!! ahhhh! we have $39.21 in our money jar...plus the one at home and the one at kirstin's house. hahaha we are destined to have at least half of this trip paid for! [hopefully] i'm trying to get Ryan to double our money [whatever we save he gives us too...] he didn't like that one so much. but ohhh well..haha....

okayy.

2010-01-12T19:42:00.004-05:00

there has been so much going on, sorry if this is very boring, it is going to be about New Orleans, Christmas break, school, Pa and life... womp womp womp..

so, i went to New Orleans for a little trip, but mainly to drive back north with Ryan and it was fun, i got there on Wednesday at 10:30 am and Ryan was there waiting for me :) it was soooo good to see him and be there. we went back to his apartment and Joe was there and so was Eric, his friend who he kept talking about so i was really happy to be able to meet him. so the 4 of us hung out and played wii and drank and then Joe's girlfriend came over, and we hung out all night. it was fun, i always enjoy a night in with them. and the next day we cleaned Ryan's car and got it ready and went shopping for some food and drinks for the trip :) and then the next day we got his car ready and went to the mall and such and then Saturday we left for up north. I love going down to New Orleans, i just feel happy when i am there. and I really can not wait until I move down there, which will hopefully be when i graduate.

So, then there was the road trip..haha, we left New Orleans around 9am on Saturday morning and it was GORGEOUS outside! about 65 degrees and sunny, i was wearing jeans a tshirt and flip flops and was comfy, well..we drove through New Orleans, hit Mississippi, i saw where Ryan is thinking about buying a house soon, [Picayune, MS] got to Alabama and we stopped to use the bathroom and get gas and it was SO incredibly cold! haha, it was about 45 degrees and we were not even that north! So then we drove through the rest of Alabama and a small bit of Georgia and then Tennessee [i was really excited because i have never been to Tennessee!] and that is where we hit the snow..dun dun dun. there was a huge snowstorm that swept the east coast, there was about 12 inches or so in Tennessee where we stopped for the night. parts of 81 [which we were on for about 700 miles or something crazy!] so the next day we got up and it said about 8 hours cause we did a little over 10 hours the first day and 81 was so incredibly backed up all through Virginia, it was TERRIBLE!! but we eventually made it back to Ryan's house and in all, it was an awesome 2 day trip =)

it was so exciting to see how happy Ryan and his family were to see each other, it had been a year since they had all been together and what made it even better was that Nana was there from England. anyways, it was nice to be sitting in the fireside room that night and catching up with them. and Maggie and Louie were so so so excited to see Ryan. mag went crazy, I've never seen her so happy. haha. we spent a few days at his house and then we went up to jersey to spend some time with my family, but also because i needed to be home on Christmas! but we did end up going out one night which was fun, we went to the pub up the road from my house and we got to see a bunch of my friends from Green and Roo and a few others, and then we went out to Boomers with boss lady and it was veryyy fun that night! we also saw texy haha, it was very fun and in all a pretty fabulous night! My Christmas was nice, got some gift cards, some sorority things and thats about it. but it was a really nice Christmas spent with family, a little sad though but that will be explained in the Pa section of this..anyways, the next day Ryan was supposed to come up, but he ended up not coming, which was annoying. but my aunt and her family came up to drop off my other grandma who lives in Pennsylvania and they came over for a bit, me and brother and our 2 cousins played some wii mario brothers [which may be the most amazing game ever and i now want a wii just because of that one game.] so the next day i ended up driving down to Ryan's house and we went to see Sherlock Holmes that night which was amazing! i loved it! and then we hung around his house a bit and then on Tuesday night a few family friends of his family from church came over to see Ryan and meet me, it was a little nerve racking because i HATE meeting important grown ups. haha, but i knew Lindsay who came so that was nice. but it was in all a fun night. the next day we went up to my house and it was nice to be home, i feel like i didn't spend much time at home though. anyways, we hung out around home and such and then one night we went to the pub with sister and that was funny because we walked there and it was FREEZING out! and we had a few drinks and then frolicked back home. the next night was new years eve and we went to Hoboken to Cory's house, which was awesome and so much fun! Jasper and Brady were there and then the two of us =) a very fun night! played some card games and other games and drank a whole lot and ate some lovely dip. and i just had a superb time playing with my friends! and i had some great heart to hearts with Jasper and Cory =) i missed them after this summer! the next day we were super hung over and went to go snow tubbing with Maddie Toby and Jon but we got there like 5 minutes too late and they were all sold out! so we ended up sitting outside making fun of all the people wiping out as the were coming down the mountain! then we went to dinner with them and it was nice =) we also visited Pa before we left to head back to Ryan's house and saw Grammie and Scott while we were there which was nice and then we headed back to cville to Ryan's house. Didn't do much while we were there again, only there for the night because i was headed back to school the next day...

So i am back in school now, ugh. taking an Australian Film class, which is actually kind of exciting. but it is 4 hours a day and kind of boring at times, but we have seen some films i really like...

Ryan came to visit on Tuesday the day he was headed back to New Orleans =( i very much enjoyed having him here for the night. we went to dinner and then came back and watched a movie and went to bed early so that he would be awake to drive the next day and around 11 he left on Wednesday right before my class. i was so so sad. we had to say goodbye because we had been together almost everyday since the 16th of December. so to say the least it is weird with him not being here. everything felt awesome when we were together. i really can not describe how happy i am when i am with him. i just feel like i am able to completely be myself and have fun and i don't know, i love waking up in his arms and seeing him so much. it is terrible not having him around sometimes i can't stand it. it isn't that i only want to move down to NOLA because of him, because after being there the week in march i WANT to go down there and teach. i know, it probably sounds crazy but i really and truly want to. i want to do teach for america or something like it. and i want to be with Ryan too. so it basically works out perfectly. anyways, i miss him terribly now. i miss the way he makes me smile and not being able to get a hug when i want one. but only a few more months really...right? anyways, i couldn't have asked for a better time with him, NOLA, road trip, Christmas, visiting VA.. and on top of all that i got an awesome Christmas present--a ring from tiffany's =) and he got an ipod. good Christmas for both of us =)

so, my Grandpa [Pa] has been really sick for a long time now, seems like i can't remember a time when he was doing well, but it's been since 10th grade i think.. and it got really bad after Thanksgiving. not only is his Alzheimer's bad, but he was in the hospital and to be honest, i didn't know if i would be able to see him again before I got home that is how worried I was. I don't really get much info because I am at school and i don't think my parents want me to worry, but he has always been important in my life. when i was little i was ALWAYS at my grandparents house. i would ask to go there and off i would go, they only lived down the road and when we moved they only lives 15 minutes away, so they have been a huge part in my life. especially Pa. him and i have been buddies since i was little. it is just so hard now because he doesn't know who I am anymore. he used to know, he used to know who Ryan was too. and it is terrible now. i look at him and he just blankly stares back at me. it hurts my heart a little bit. especially because now he is in a nursing home and he cannot walk anymore so he is in a wheel chair. i hadn't seen him since Thanksgiving and he was okay then, but spending time in the hospital wasn't good for him, he lost muscle in his legs and just can't walk so seeing him on Christmas was horrible. i wasn't expecting what i saw. i mean, he can barely feed himself. and it just was so incredibly sad. i don't know. i spent the first like half an hour at my aunts house on Christmas trying to hide from people because i was crying and then at the end of the night when Pa was leaving, i was holding Makenzie [she is my love bucket and is 4] and she was like, kel why are your eyes leaking and i said because i was just happy to be home and we went and gave Pa a kiss and a hug and Kenz goes, I hope Pa gets better because i love him a lot. and it literally broke my heart. it was just really sad and everybody knows that this was one of the last times we will all be together and it just hurts so bad because my family is so close and we are screwed up and nothing is ever going smoothly, but my family is still super close and i love them and i love us all being together. my heart just hurts knowing that Pa isn't going to be around for much longer. and seeing my grandma makes me sad because i can see it in her eyes and she talked to me about it on Christmas and it makes me sad.

anyways, that is all i have to say right now. sorry it was so long and sad at the end. but i can say that i had a great holiday season and i feel so lucky to have a great family and an amazing boyfriend....

me and ryan <3

sister, pa, brother and me =)

fam[ily]<3

me and kenzadoo

me and aiden

snow in tennessee before we left.

where the boys live =)

scooter, the boys snake..haha we are friends now ;)

our start of the road trip!

me and ryan at the delaware water gap

best of 09 so mad i didn't keep up!

2010-01-02T12:48:00.001-05:00

December 13 What's the best change you made to the place you live?
um, my room at home-->everything i changed. literally my whole room
my room at school--> i just love this one a lot more than last year.

December 14 Rush. When did you get your best rush of the year?
hmm, this is a hard one.. i'd say when i found out i got middies with kp and flick er doodle. i had a really lame year. but that was a fantastic day in my life.

December 15 Best packaging. Did your headphones come in a sweet case? See a bottle of tea in another country that stood off the shelves?
umm, i got some candies for my birthday in a clear container and i am in the middle of decorating it and then using it for my hair stuff or make up.

December 16 Tea of the year. I can taste my favorite tea right now. What's yours?
ohh, definitely whatever tea ryan's mom and dad drink all xmas break i drank it this year and last!

December 17 Word or phrase. A word that encapsulates your year. "2009 was _____."
interesting.

December 18 Shop. Online or offline, where did you spend most of your mad money this year? (+ Room 6 'Keep Calm & Carry On' giveaway)
i never shop online, and i spent all my money in either wal mart or target. thats like the only 2 places i shop.

December 19 Car ride. What did you see? How did it smell? Did you eat anything as you drove there? Who were you with?
va->nola. best drive everr. me and kirstin drove through virginia, north carolina, south carolina, georgia, alabama, mississippi, and louisiana. we ate trail mix and threw nasty things out the window. and we just saw new places and had a blast.

December 20 New person. She came into your life and turned it upside down. He went out of his way to provide incredible customer service. Who is your unsung hero of 2009?
weegie. this summer would not have been as fun without her there. she is one of the coolest people i've ever met, i mean, she is from scotland. but i can honestly say, i don't know where i'd be without her this year.

December 21 Project. What did you start this year that you're proud of?
none. haha, i guess printing out pictures and trying harder to keep up with pictures i've taken because i've been so terrible with that since digital cameras..

December 24 Learning experience. What was a lesson you learned this year that changed you?
to just be myself and my true friends will love me, and to not do something just for the approval/to make someone else happy unless it makes yourself happy too.

December 27 Social web moment. Did you meet someone you used to only know from her blog? Did you discover Twitter?
i did in fact discover twitter this year. and i love it.

December 28 Stationery. When you touch the paper, your heart melts. The ink flows from the pen. What was your stationery find of the year?
cards that i got last christmas from someone and they are black and white on the front with a K on them. i love them, and only use them for really special people.

December 29 Laugh. What was your biggest belly laugh of the year?
oh my god, all summer long with my friends =) i've never laughed so much in one summer. especially in wildwood//in the crib. but i just feel like all summer we laughed. it was amazing.

December 31 Resolution you wish you'd stuck with. (You know, there's always next year...)
i don't usually make resolutions because i NEVER stick them out, so i can't say i made one at all. but i made one this year and i really hope i can keep up with it!

dreams...

2009-12-30T11:43:00.003-05:00

so i am at ryan's house spending time with him and his family, being a good girlfriend and last night i had the worst dream and i can't get it off my mind. i mean, i woke up with tears running down my face and i was basically sobbing. i had a dream that Will was still alive and we were hanging out and it was all of us again, jeremy was there, maria, june...it was like 8th grade again except we were all 22 and drinking and having a blast at the pub... and then i went to bed in my dream and i woke up and it happened all over again. he died again. and i was at his funeral and i couldn't do anything again. i felt so helpless all over again. but everything was so vivid about it. it was all so incredibly real. i absolutely love having dreams about him when he is alive and it is always so real in my dreams, him being alive and walking and talking. i love having those dreams because it is always good to see him walking around, but i just don't even have a word for how terrible this dream was. i am crying now just writing about it. and the worst part is, that in reality, it wasn't a dream..this is real life, he died and i am never getting him back. which is the part i dislike the most.

i will write more about it and finish up the best of '09 when i am home tonigh..

until then, wishing everyone a safe and good last bit of 2009 and a fabulous 2010.

=)

2009-12-25T10:03:00.002-05:00

merry christmas!! :)

pissed offfffff.

2009-12-22T22:55:00.000-05:00

just get the f.ck out of my life already.

slaking in best of 09...

2009-12-13T14:34:00.002-05:00

i've been crazy busy since i've been home and even before that, but it is so nice to be DONE with school for a little bit. i went to aiden's christmas concert on friday and then out to breakfast with kenzie and my aunt d, then got my hair highlighted..hahaha. then saturday i went out and got a christmas tree with my daddy and brudder. and then went to camp and saw bailey and squid! yayy. and then spent the day in milford with my grandma and momma. =) and now i am cleaning the house//decorating for christmas and took a break and well, here i am! haha sorry i've been slaking on these, so here is an update on all of them....

#best09
the best of 09 for the last few days...

December 10 Album of the year. What's rocking your world?
taylor swiftttt. and my summer mix including: chicken fried, all the above, knocks you down, wagon wheel, right round, i know you want me, 1,2,3,4 and many more. these 2 cds=my life this year.

December 11 The best place. A coffee shop? A pub? A retreat center? A cubicle? A nook?
i'd have to say the porch swing. or camp, for obvious reasons..but the porch swing was most definitely where i spent some of the greatest times this year. =)

December 12 New food. You're now in love with Lebanese food and you didn't even know what it was in January of this year.
chili. i had never had it until this summer at camp. and i love it. haha. it is one of my new favorites out there. mmm, i want some right now.!!

challenge in 09

2009-12-09T17:42:00.002-05:00

2 finals down, 1 to go and 6 pages done on the paper!

so here is the #best09 for today:

December 9 Challenge. Something that really made you grow this year. That made you go to your edge and then some. What made it the best challenge of the year for you?

so...my challenge of 2009 was Will dying. i mean it is completely terrible and devastating, but it really and truly made me grow as a person. it made me realize that people you love are incredibly important to your life and that you never know when they are going to not be there anymore. it was one of the hardest things i've ever experienced in my life. but it really made me step back and look at my life and the people in it and try to let them know at every chance i get how much i love them and how much they mean to me. he has been in my life since 2nd grade. that was 15 years ago. and he isn't here anymore. and there are some days i just want to have our legendary 3 hour talks at 1 in the morning about everything big and small. and it breaks my heart still to think that he did everything he did. but it has taught me so much and has also brought me closer to friends from Green who know how life feels like something is missing now...

solitude.

2009-12-08T18:53:00.002-05:00

tadaaaa. the #best09 today is :
December 8 Moment of peace. What was the quality of your breath? The state of your mind? How did you get there?

easy peasyy. i know this one no doubt. well, there are 2 things which is my answer, but they both involve summer time. and they both involve my favorite things.
the very very first one which is my all time favorite thing in the whole world where i feel like i dont have a care, like i am the only one there, like nothing could ever go wrong and there is not a bad thing in the world....canoeing on the delaware. but more specific would be when i wake up and get out of the tent and see the fog on the river and you know that the sun is there, but you just can't see it yet and the fog is rolling down the river and all you can hear is birds chirping and the sound of the river flowing over the rocks. sighhh. that is where i want to be right now. i mean, if you know me, you know things can go wrong on this trip, but it is the one time during the day when i know everything is okay. and all i care about is that moment. i just feel so peaceful. like i can not even describe this feeling to anyone. it is just my favorite moment. and my moment of peace. and i get to experience it 3 mornings in a row one time a year.

then the second one is when i am sitting in a sailboat, maybe even the new baby..haha, all by myself and there is just so much wind and you are tacking across the lake and there are no other boats and no other worries. it is just you and the boat. it is perfect. those are the two moments where i am just in complete peace. and yeah, when i am doing both i am usually not totally alone, but at the river in the morning i always get away for a few minutes and take it all in. and when i am sailing, i just feel so at peace with myself. and i feel so calm. and i just i don't know...

i dont know if i really answered that question the way other people do, but to me those are the two most peaceful moments.

best of 09 & a quote.

2009-12-07T23:11:00.002-05:00

Dreams aren't meant to be understood any more than tragedies can be avoided. Life happens to us... the only certainty in all of it is that it just keeps happening..

i reallllly like that quote...

ok, so #best09 today and yesterday (i was doing work/was a sad&bad day..):
December 6 Workshop or conference. Was there a conference or workshop you attended that was especially beneficial? Where was it? What did you learn?

December 7 Blog find of the year. That gem of a blog you can't believe you didn't know about until this year.

ok, so the conference//workshop one...
well, i am not all that important and don't have an important job. so i didn't really go to a conference or workshop really, but at camp we had a few awesome new workshops and i really decided i enjoyed running them and being in charge of them. this summer, during pre pre camp when all the UL's were there, we did a workshop and we had to make a poster to display how camp was good for kids, and we drew one with a compass on it and had a catchy slogan on it about how no matter what direction we came from camp is good because it brings in people from everywhere and such, and i really enjoyed doing that because sometimes things get really monotonous at camp during training for us and it was something new!

ok and for blog find of the year, well i really don't read any except for my friends because i am weird, although i'd love to start reading more...so i am going to do website of the year because that isn't a question...
website of the year: sporacle. hands down the best website i've ever come along. this semester in my politics class we needed to know all the countries of South America, Europe, Africa, and Asia and without it i would have failed! i love that in sporacle you need to know how to spell because we would get it wrong if it was spelled wrong. and i just like seeing how much i know. like, i can name all 50 states in 2:37 second. and i know 38/44 presidents the majority of the time. and i can name all the NFL teams. haha. i just love it..plus i feel smart when i get them all right and it is SO fun!

in other news: first exam tomorrow in politics! eeeeeeekkkkk. i am so nervous! and i am working on my paper. but me and kirstin had a fabulous study date in Panera tonight! oh and SO jealous because it is snowing TONS in Flagstaff and i miss it when it snows there. it was always such a fun time and i just loved it. ok, need to study more! home in 3 and new orleans in 8!!!

happy birthday will..

2009-12-06T00:50:00.003-05:00

Dear Will,
Happy Birthday!
it's been really hard lately. really really hard. i literally think about you at least seven times a day. all i need right now is to talk to you about everything going on in my life. it's been really hard. i finally got more pictures of us printed out. since having a digital camera I've been terrible at printing out pictures. i have one from graduation, one from Disney, one from the plane home [do you remember sitting with me and we talked the whole plane ride and we snuggled?] every single time i think of your birthday, i inevitably think of the one birthday when we were little, it was at your house and you had fruit punch and my silly mother dressed me in something white and someone spilled fruit punch ALL over me and i cried and you took me into your room and gave me a new shirt. that is when i knew you were the greatest guy in the world. or the birthday parties at the hackettstwon roller rink! ha, we thought we were so cool. and we would "slow skate" with who we liked. gosh, we were so weird when we were little! and we always played in that like crazy jungle gym thing inside the roller rink! haha, i would do absolutely anything to be back there with you right now. it's been really hard down here without you. i check in on your facebook all the time and see who has been talking to you. so many people have been too. did i tell you me and june and maria got together in october? we want to get people together around christmas or in may after school is out again. like everyone from green and a few from high school and do something fun. the 3 of us talk a bit and we all really miss you. i wonder what you are doing up there on your birthday..i hope it is more fun than mine was! haha :) i want so badly to talk to you about so many things. i talk to you a lot when i drive... but you already knew that. i miss you more than i ever knew i would miss someone. i feel so old being 22. no more exciting birthdays. you know, i even got told i was old the other night!! how crazy is that. i just hope you know that i love you more that i was ever able to tell you. you were always the best person i knew and i think you always will be. i hope you have the best birthday ever. and i miss you more and more every day. i can't believe it's been 5 months either. just know that you are with me in everything i do.
Love forever and ever,
Kelly.
ps, thanks for telling me i'd be okay when i cried at your birthday party. you always knew how to make me feel better. love you buddy :)

best book!

2009-12-04T20:29:00.002-05:00

best of 09!

ok, so best of 09 today::
December 4 Book. What book - fiction or non - touched you? Where were you when you read it? Have you bought and given away multiple copies?

umm, i would have to say it was: Change of Heart by Jodi Picoult. my sister gave it to me this summer to read when i asked for a boook, and it has to be the best book everrrrr. i hate hate hate to read. i usually only read when i am tanning outside, at the beach, or in the pool. or when it is really snowy and cold outside and i sit by the xmas tree :) i read this book at camp this summer and at WILDWOOD! haha. <3 and then when i was supposed to be working at camp but didn't have anything to do! haha

on another note, tonight was the pm christmas party at jeter's house! yayyy. it is always fun. i love my sisters so so much. for the present thingy i got a blanket [PINKKK one!!!!] and some ferrero rocher candy! mmm my favorite! and yayyy for another blanket! haha. :)
all i have between me and freedom:: tuesday-politics exam 2-5 wednesday-geography exam 2-5 thursday-Econ exam 3:45-5 and then my egypt paper is due whenever between now and friday at 11:30 but i am leaving thursday so I NEED to finish by then! eeeep. i can not wait for break and new orleans!! only 11 days left! :) yippieeee!

best restaurant..best of 09

2009-12-03T13:16:00.003-05:00

Share the best restaurant experience you had this year. Who was there? What made it amazing? What taste stands out in your mind? best of 09

hmm, this questions would be 10x easier if it was last year! haha. being in america again i feel like there isn't anything like the foods i had in Europe. so trying to pinpoint a good restaurant experience is kinda blahh. but i will say that i went to a few good places...and had a few good/new meals.

first is the cheesecake factory. i had never been and me and kirstin and her mom went shopping, literally all day long and it was for her mom, and she took us out to dinner. it was in early September and it was still warm out and we got to sit outside. i had a fabbb glass of wine and we just had a really good time. i love her mom and obvi i like her a lot, she is my roommate. the food was amazing i had some sort of pasta with shrimp in it. so good. and then cheesecake, mmmmm...delicious. it was just a great end to a good day too.

the second would be to a mexican restaurant at school. i went with my pledge sisters the beginning of the school year and it was just so good to be with them again. the 5 of us can't seem to get together very often, so it was good to just be together and have delicious mexican food :) [although not as good as la fonda's in az....] but it was just being with them good food and sitting there for like 2 hours. :)

best trip of 09

2009-12-01T22:08:00.005-05:00

so i saw this on my sister's blog
-- best of 09 and i think this is super cool...plus, i am definitely trying to avoid all my work which i NEED to be doing, but things much much better appear to be popping up...so here we go :

best trip of 2009...

i would definitely have to say my adventure to New Orleans! : ) [i am pretty sure anyone would have guessed that one! hehe]

the trip was just awesome, between the 16+ hour car rides with kirstin, being with Ryan all week and seeing his life down there! a drunk day at the zoo, drive through drinks, bourbon street, joe, earl, guns, beer, video games at 4am, thursday nights...and just having an actual spring break...i couldn't ask for a better group of people or a better 8 days : )

about 1/4 way into thursday night..aka joe branded kirstin. haaha <3 themmm

me and kirstin, imma STOMP youuu... : )

best picture of the trippp <3

kirstin and joe on bourbon street.. "tonight, you are getting on my shoulders.."

me and ryan on the ferry, going to bourbon street!

fa la la

2009-11-30T19:21:00.002-05:00

Studies have shown that people convince themselves that they're acting rationally when making major decisions-- where to go to college, what to major in, who to kiss or not kiss--when they're really acting on unconscious impulses. The human brain simply can't handle all the complexities that life offers, so emotions kick in and end up making the call. And when that call blows, people don't understand why.

quote of the day...i really liked it.

now going to do some more work. only 10 more days... :)

what i am thankful for.

2009-11-29T16:18:00.002-05:00

being as i haven't written in here since i went home, let me just say this: i had an amazing break, saw A TON of people from high school, and only have 11 days to plug and chug through before i go home again..
i am currently trying to update my computer in pan era being as my internet isn't working on campus because it isn't updated enough. COOL. woof. anyways...
so here is a list of things which i am thankful for:
1-my family they are crazyy. they are funny. they are annoying as hell, but they are mine and i would never ever change a single thing about them. yesterday pa was put in the hospital again, and it felt like everything that happened with gram a few years back..right after thanksgiving..not doing well..really sudden..thankfully he is doing better. but i am just SO incredibly thankful to have them here, even if they do not fully support my life and the choices i make, they are always behind me 150%.
2-ryan. he has been there for me so much throughout the 3 + years we have known each other and i honestly can say i have no idea where my life would be without him. he is just such a constant support for me. all the time. and i feel so blessed that i have someone like him here for me. and that he is the person i dream about spending the rest of my life with. i don't ever want to imagine a day without him in my life.
3-my friends. the few and true who i have here for e are absolutely fantastic and i would not want to trade them in for anyone. i've lost a lot of friends and it is always hard, but the truth is over the last 4 years i've learned who is really there and who isn't. and i've cut people out and it has made me stronger as a person. i am just lucky to have those true friends stand by me through everything.. and i just wish that those who are up in heaven know how much they still mean to me..
4-pm. even though we aren't still here, we are. and stronger than ever. these girls have changed my life. i would not still be in virginia without them. they are the strongest girls i have ever met. i would do anything for any of them. and i honestly feel like my life has changed for the better just knowing each and every one of them.
5- field hockey. this sport changed my life. i would do anything to play it again. after going to the alumni game, it just honestly made me realize how much i absolutely miss the sport and want to keep it in my life more than it is now. yeah, i go to games...but i want to play. i want to feel the way i feel when i am on that field. i feel like i am accomplished when i am on that field. and the girls i played with, we had a special bond which nothing could take away. we bled sweat cried laughed and won together. i miss that sport so much and am really hoping we get some sort of summer league together because it would be so amazing to play again.
6- camp. it has done nothing but changed my life for the better. i am so much stronger and more confident in life because of it. i feel like i would not be so certain that i want to be a teacher without it. it let me be ME and love ME and i dont think i would have be able to accomplish that anywhere else.

ok..so things are done downloading now. yayy. hopefully when i go back to school there will in fact be working internet on my computer. the good thing though was i got delicious pane ra out of this. haha. =)

i hope everyone had a wonderful thanksgiving !!