who are you?

currently, there are people reading my blog from 4 different countries and 4 different states, and in those states, people from different parts. which is interesting to me. some of you i know, some of you i might now, and some of you i don't know. some of you check it everyday while others randomly check it. it makes me smile none the less. that people are reading what i have to say...

recently i was confronted by someone, and they asked me why i don't like it here. and i was somewhat taken back by that comment... because i do like it here, i am just and this point in my life where so many things are changing that it is making it hard for me to focus on the NOW instead of the future. i keep talking about going to school in the fall, and i don't want to give the wrong impression away...i LOVE that i am going to be going to school in VA, but i also am really enjoying my time here. right now nothing exciting is happeneing. i have 3 papers due by the 12/13 of march... and it is just a lot to take in...and i have been really sick lately, i am pretty sure i never fully got over Mono, and it is basically coming back to haunt me. i can't sleep when i am supposed to, aka at night, and when i do i have these weird dreams, but during the day i can sleep forever, weird i know, but anyways--i just want to throw it out there, i like it here..i just havent ben travelling and up to doing a lot of things because i havent been feeling good....

second, its leap year! i dont know why but this always makes me laugh. once every 4 years there is a february the 29th. WEIRD. i don't really get it, but it makes me smile to write that on my papers today when i was in class. hehe..

so, speaking of class--i was in class on Monday, i had a seminar [discussion class, which had 8 people vs the lecture which has about 50] and you talk the whole time with the professor. there was me, a scottish boy, 3 welsh people and 3 people from England, so a very good mixture...i LOVE my american experience class. SO much. it was the best choice taking this class...so the topic of seminar was "What makes American's American..?" like what shaped america into giving it what it is today. and at first i sat there listening to what everyone was saying, one girl said the american revolution, another said the declairation of independence, another said that we were overly patriotic especially when 9/11 happened and she was going off about 9/11 [which i was not happy about with what she was saying, actually i was very put off by her.] now--i sat there, being it the first seminar we all had together, i didnt say anything...i wanted to see what they had to say before they knew i was american..finally the teacher, who knew i was american said that i was being too quiet and needed to speak up. [i also was not really sure what to say, i had never thought of this question before, and was slightly flustered by it...] so i said well, i really liked listening to what everyone else had to say because i am american and i said i feel like the Civil War had a huge part to do with the reasons Americans are the way we are, i wasn't entirely sure why either, other than the fact that it almost broke our country apart, but eventually we were able to come together.
the professor thought that was interesting, and then i responded to him by saying that it just surprises me how in the south the still wave their confederate flags and everything like that, and i had mentioned i was from new jersey, and being a northern state, it is just odd to see that when i go south still....which is where the topic of the flag waving came into play...apparently people over here think we sing our national anthem everyday all the time, and every single house has an american flag, and to them it is odd....well, i was very confused by this-first off, why is it weird to wave a flag outside of your house, and second, no one sings the national anthem unless you are at a sporting event...then the scottish boy said something along the lines of well, in Scottland we have more pride than the English do, and the Welsh girl said the same thing...and they asked if the states have different flags, which we do, but aren't as big as the american flag, unless you live in Texas or California or something...cause who has a New Jersey flag..? i dont, but i am damn proud to be from new jersey. and the boy asked me if it was a big deal what state you are from. and i went on to say that for me, i am proud to say when people ask me where i am from that i am from jers. especially when i was at school in arizona...
anways, we went on to talking and it hit me why americans are so proud to be american...it was because at one time or another our families came over here looking for something, whether it be religious freedom, or to get "the american dream" or to escape famine..everyone came over here looking for something, everyone came from somewhere else and settled in A.M.E.R.I.C.A...they couldnt come over and strictly be german, or irish, or english. they were in america now and had to fall under and believe in this one thing. and the rest of the group just kinda sat there...kinda flustered. but the professor looked at me and was like, that is the exact answer i was looking for, it isn't so much the history and the wars, although they played a role in it...

anyways, that question really made me think. like, what makes me who i am... i dont know, this class just really gets me thinking, and i love that. so who are you? what makes you american? or what makes you you..?

because the things that make me me are: being from new jersey, going to girlscout camp, experiencing this right now, having gone to school in az, my family being so close to me throughout my life, having the friends i have, playing field hockey all through my life...and having people in my life that support me..no matter how crazy my new plans are....

i dont really know or care if this post made any sense..but it just seemed so fascinating to me...

smells of spring.

today is a very windy day. but super sunny. and i like it. i walked outside and it just smelled...like spring. i dont know if that makes sense. but every year, there is one day i walk outside. and it smells like spring. and there is a day i walk outside and it smells like summer. and then there is one where it smells like fall. and quite possibly my favorite is the one i step outside and it smells like winter. i love this smell. where it just smells so intense. and it might be because the air is so cold and crisp, but i am not sure what causes it. but those smells make me remember that there is always a chance for change, and new opportunities, and that if you don't like something change it..when i smelled spring today, it made me smile. because that means summer. and i am excited for summer and fall. not that i am not excited about the next few months here, because i am..it just i talked to mom last night. and she made everything make sense...

i will be attending randolph-macon for the last years of my undergraduate degree. i decided last night. it's not official yet, i still have to send in my papers, but that is where i am going to go. i dont think i was this excited about getting into a school either time i applied to schools, i mean don't get me wrong, i was so excited to get into Lynchburg & NAU, the first time around...and then when i got into Cabrini i danced around my room like a little kid for about 10 minutes and then called roo where we then screamed on the phone for about another 10 minutes about me gettting into a school on the east coast...

i don't know what it is about this school that makes me so happy. i think it might be the endless possibilities of starting over. i mean, there were things i loved about NAU..the mountains, Jessica, being so close to Sedona.. but there are so many things i would have done over in the beginning. and now i feel like i get to start over again, and it is going to be difficult and challenging, but isn't that what adventures are all about.

i feel like i am learning so much about myself lately. i mean, i stood up to my dad and told him i didnt care what i had to do, i was not going back to school in arizona. i just was tired of not being happy. and then i basically didn't even think about studying abroad and went ahead and did it. and i love this opportunity i am getting. and now i am going to school in virginia. i mean, i am such a lucky person to get to experience everything i am. but what i really want is the chance to have that place again..you know, the one i talked about in the last entry. i was reading something about how someone else more or less HAD to leave that place for them, and how they missed it. and i just..i need that again i think. and people like that..i need a new group. and i hope that is what i find at randolph-macon. i really do...and if not, then how great to get to go to school in virginia?! :)

i guess i am just excited cause i know i am in for a big change, and i am very optimistic about it. and i am hoping that this time around college is everything i want it to be. and i am going to do my best to make it that way...

i was talking to someone about the summer last night. and i have very mixed feelings about it...i really want to know who is going to make up the admin team. i really hope it will be people who will be there to make camp the best for the kids. because that is what it is all about..and i feel like staff hasn't been there for the kids, but rather for themselves and their friends. it is just the way i have been seeing it change in the last few years. and i mean, don't get me wrong, i love the fact that my best friends work at camp with me, and that i get to spend 6+ weeks with them, but they aren't the reason i am there. and neither is ryan. and i have had so many people tell me i am only at camp for ryan. and i hate that...because i have been coming to camp since i was 7. and he's only been in my life for a year and a half. so..even though he is there, and i love the fact that he is there, he isn't why i work there. in any way. so i really hope no one ever tells me i am at camp for the wrong reasons ever again. because it has to be one of the most painful things you can ever say to me..

anyways, last night i decided that a)i am going to school at randolph-macon b)i am working at camp again c) i can not wait for this new part of my life to start and d) i am definitely going to new orleans before camp. which also means i will be at home for a small 6 days before i head down to new orleans, and then straight to camp. boooo. but this summer i am spending time at home. with the kids. and the homefries. because i realized how important dev tim and roo are to me. and i need them as more of a constant in my life.

i will update in a bit on when sis came to visit...
but for now, i just wanted to get all this out there. because i have a head full of randomness and thoughts lately..
ok, love from wales..
kellycrumbs.

one tree hill..

"what happened to us...ya know?
i don't know who i am anymore,
or how i got here.
i miss who i used to be.
i wanna have a home again, ya know.
and real friends ya know the kinda friendships we used to believe in.
i miss that, and i miss you.
i guess i just miss all of it.." -one tree hill

i have been watching one tree hill on itunes, that and LOST are the only two shows i really watch. and they also happen to be new. so every week i buy them on itunes. cause i don't have tv. and it gives me a break and a chance to relax.

anyways, one tree hill has just been really great and full of amazing quotes. like that one. and i just..i absolutely love it. cause it is how i feel. like i am not saying i don't have friends, because i do. i just feel like everything is changing so fast. and i would love to go back to when things weren't so confusing. and to be with those friends. and not have the things that are currently breaking us apart there. i miss it. i miss home too. where i felt like i fit in somewhere. where i admit, i couldn't wait to get out of home, but i fit. and i had those friends. i dont know, this is just me rambling again... but i miss it. and that quote just says it all..

i think really, i miss camp. when it was the place i couldn't wait to go to because i knew nothing bad would ever happen there. and what is has turned into now, isn't that place. and it just..i never thought i would loose that feeling and connection i had with camp and the people i knew from there. and it just is horrible to think that so many bad things in the last year of my life came out of people i met at camp, and through decisions made there..

i miss being a camper. and having that place to go to. to be with the best friends i've ever had. and where nothing would go wrong for the weeks i was there. and i could laugh and not worry about my life. and now it is such a different place to me. it is somewhere where so many politics are involved. and i was afraid to go to over winter break because of what had happened there...

i mean, i used to call camp my home. and now i dont feel like it is sometimes... and it makes me sad that sometimes i cant call it my home. because i feel like i am loosing something so important in my life...and i am loosing people so important in my life too..

i dont know. i just miss having a place where nothing could go wrong. and where the people were genuine and good people. and i could have fun all the time. and laugh all night. and not worry...

love kellycrumbs..

nothing new.

so, i got an email from hook, i have to fill out an application, i guess.? and then she is ganna call..weird. she really wants nems to come back to camp :] i told her to call him or email him and he might, cause he was planning on visiting for at least a week he said. she wants him to be w.d...i would be the happiest girl if she got him to come back to camp.skkj. but i am excited she is ganna call me. haha. i am so lame. i just haven't really talked to anyone from home lately...accept roo. but she doesnt count cause she is like my other side. and if i didnt talk to her, i'd be a lost puppy. haha.

i booked my flight to Italy! eeek! me melaney reagan and janny are going to leave from London on March 26, the day after nems leaves, and head to ROME! eeek! i am super excited! me and nems are going to be hanging out in London-hopefully seeing Sunny Dopey Yorkie and Bumble, and then taking a trip up North to see Kat :) will be nice, but don't know the details yet. and HOPEFULLY going to Paris the weekend of Easter, cause it is Melaney's 21st and she wants me to come celebrate with her. BUT we are deffo going to Paris. :) SO excited! Plus, the ticket to Rome was only $115 [thats american money, super exciting] and then me and melaney are planning weekend trips to Barcelona in May, Germany sometime, hopefully Prague, and then Amsterdam. And i am going to head over to Ireland for my last few nights in Europe to visit with sis. and then Spending my last night in London, hopefully with Bumble and Fidgel..? and then home for a week and then down to New Orleans [and Florida..?] hehe. and then starting camp and thennnnnn finally going to school on the EAST COAST!

i am currently totally avoiding my paper on the Marshall Plan. hollaa. i hate papers. it isn't even getting graded. WTF? but whatever, you gatta do what you gatta do...right? gaggg me.

am so excited sis is ganna be here soon. =] can't wait to just see someone i know. ya know? blehhh. oh, super cool news: i bought a duvet/duvet cover yesterday cause i had been getting super cold at night, right? so i was in the store-wigmans or something like that, its kinda like walmart but nothing will EVER be as cool as wally...and i had this pretty lame duvet cover. and then we are looking at pillows and thats when i see it...

the COOLEST THING EVER! i mean, look at it. and the last picture, its my pillow. hahahahahha. i LOVE it. i am totally bringing this shit home to the us of a. and being the coolest kid IN THE WORLD. omg, it makes me giggle. so so much. haha.

but yeah, thats all the news here, i am sure you will be getting more exciting stuff when sis is here.
oh, i do have something exciting for me, nems is done with his job by texas and is going home today =[ but he is ganna buy an internet card! eeek! so that means i get to talk to him all the time! yippiee!
love everwhere,
kellycrumbs

i am in!

i got accepted to Randolph-Macon in Virginia!
i am SO SO EXCITED! and they are giving me $9,500 a year.
oehfjghdslk! yay! i am 95% sure i am going to go to school here!
yayyy! =] =] =]
AND RYAN BOOKED HIS FLIGHT AND IS COMING HERE MARCH 14-25!!!
I AM SO FRREAKIN EXCITEDDDDD =D

uncertain.

In the last week the weather has been nothing but perfect. Literally, 50-55 and sunny with no clouds in the sky. I absolutely love it. Because in London it did nothing but rain. And seeing the sun makes me happy.

In the last week i went to Mumbles, Stonehenge, cooked a legit dinner, went to classes, got a chance to talk to Ryan every single night, and am getting more serious with school work. But I have also, had a panic attack, got lost, and almost called home in tears.

I love it here, I love the adventures, I love the not knowing what I am doing half the time, I love the fact that I can see the beach when I go outside. I love being able to go on this trip and not really have to worry about certain things from home. And I love that I am going to be travelling Europe in a month. But at times I get so overwhelmed but simple things. I feel more alone than I have ever felt in my life. And I feel so completely lost.

Mumbles was super fun. Me and Melaney left at about 11 to head over there. it was super fun. The weather wasn't exactly the nicest when we were there, but you know it was ok. We walked along the beach, saw legit waves in the water, walked along these rocks, split open some clam shells, ate at this super cute little resturant overlooking the water, and went on a little hike. It was gorgeous. When sis comes we are going to go back there. Which will be fun.

Stonehenge was really cool. We went to Stonehenge and Avebury. Both were really cool, it was just a super long day. We left the school at 8 and didnt get home until 7. It was about a 3 hour bus ride or so. But It was totally worth it. And we couldn't have asked for a better day to be completely honest. Absolutely gorgeous out. And I don't know, seeing them kinda makes you wonder why. Just why. Like they took these enormous rocks from over 100 miles away and they built these things. And it is just like I dont know. how to explain it. But at Avebury there was this super cute old church, I really liked it..avebury rock'sStonehengeStonehengeAvebury Rock CircleMe and Melaney in AveburyStonehenge

The super cute church.

Well, I guess that is that for now. I need to head to the library, which is the most confusing place I have ever been in my entire life. Cool. Peace out girlscouts.

Love from Wales,
kellycrumbs

did you used to have big dreams too..?

i dont know why, but today i can not stop thinking about james. i really miss him. i was thinking about high school, i think that might be why..i mean, really-high school was so good. it was actually pretty amazing. aside from the knee surgery and fights with my dad. but honestly, i had the greatest friends..played hockey, was a part of something big..and even though it didn't seem like it at the time, it was big. i lived in this great place, and i had SO many dreams...

and now i feel like i dont have any of that. i am not a part of something, and i don't feel like i have many friends. and i don't have dreams anymore.. i mean, dont get me wrong. i would die without the friends. but i feel like i can't make friends anymore. i feel like i am so weird these days that i can't be myself. and if i can't be myself with my friends, then what is the sense of having friends.. and i am afraid to open up to people. because i am tired of getting hurt...but i can't let the past stop me from moving on. i am just scared.

i guess in high school i couldnt wait to get out and experience this great life i saw on the tv...this amazing thing called college, well i am here, have been for a year and a half..its not all it's cracked up to be..i want to go back, just to one day in high school, and change it all...and see where i would be right now if i made different decisions...

i just really, i have no more dreams. i mean, my one dream in life is to be happy, completely content with every aspect of my life...but i used to want to change the world, i used to want todo something with my life. now i feel like itis the same shit, different day. and i hate that. maybe it was part of growing up...to realize that those were unrealistic goals, and to just deal with the fact that i am going to be a teacher for the next 40 years. and to be happy with that. i used to want to play field hockey in college so bad. i wanted to get a scholarship. i haven't even picked up a stick since senior year...i used to want to change people's lives. now i know that it won't happen in the capacity i wanted it to. i just feel like, i am loosing things that i have absolutely no control over...and i dont like it. i want to have dreams, but how do you try to make yourself believe in things that you know won't happen...

whenever i get upset like this though i start to think of james. and really, i just still dont understand how he isnt here. i want more than anything to still wake up and him be here. i need him to be. and its been a year a half almost, and it still hurts that he isnt here. i've been having dreams with him in them. and he doesnt talk, or anything..he is just in the background...watching. and i dont know, he made me want to do something amazing with my life. he made me happy, just by smiling at me. and most people wouldnt expect that to happen, if you knew me and you knew him--hell most people didnt even know we were friends, but honestly, i can't imagine high school without him..i just, i miss him. and i want him to be here and to tell me everything is going to be ok. and tell me that i am going to do great things with my life. and give me one more hug. and let me know that you are ok. and that you are happy. cause you know, when things were shitty, you were there, without questions, with a smile, a hug, and you'd tell me things would be ok. i just really miss him. a lot..

a thought..

so, there isn't much new to say from me..just been hanging out. went shopping with melaney, bought sunglasses, jeans, and a purse, for under ₤ 10 which is like $20 [super good! i love love love Primark :) ] then we went food shopping, watched LOST on friday, and made some taco's and slept over her flat on friday night. we bought LOST on itunes, cause we are THAT cool. and then saturday we got up and went to Mumbles, but it started to rain, so we just got food and then came back cause she needed to pick up her computer from the computer fixing store. it was broked =[ and then we went to the movies with Jon, and his 2 friends. we saw Over my dead body, with Eva Longoria. it was super cute. i really liked it. and i can not wait for 27 dresses to come out here! i wanna see it SUPER bad.

so, i've had a lot of time to think since i've been on this journey so far. tomorrow is a month since i've left the States, and it is kinda hard to believe it has ONLY been a month, i feel like i've been gone for ages upon ages. and it is JUST a month since i've seen Ryan, and it literally feels like forever. but at the same time, i am like--OH MY GOSH! it is already february! ahhh. so it is like a huge mix of emotions. i mean, don't get me wrong, i LOVE this experience, it is amazing, and wouldn't trade it for the world, it is just super hard, cause in Arizona i at least had the ability to call everyone whenever i wanted. now, not so much. and the time difference is killing me! haha. but i love it. and i am happy...

a while ago a friend sent me this...and told me that no matter what she loves me. and hopes everything will be ok..

so, i was going through my email earlier today looking for an email address, and came across the email which contained this picture. and i sat there, even though i know this song, and i read ever word of it. and it brought tears to my eyes. because me and this friend went through a tough time in the last 2 years. and i thought it was because of some things, then i found other things out, and wonder if it was because of other things...
but no matter what was the reasons for things being super weird and awkward, i realized i miss having certain people in my life. especially this person. and in a way i wish i could go back 3 years ago, and done it all over again...because there are so many things i would have done differently. but what are you ganna do, ya know. you learn from your mistakes, and hope that people can do the same. and if not, then i feel like that person was in your life for a reason. and they helped you for that part...and it just hurts when sometimes people don't make it to the next stage of your life..
but i know things will be ok.

love you no matter where you live..
kelly.crumbs